From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 28 May 2000 to 29 May 2000 (#2000-150) Date: Monday, May 29, 2000 2:01 AM There are 5 messages totalling 354 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Cat Miracle Diet 2. Backing Up 3. Smiles 4. Predictions 5. The Scientific Method (Not a Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 07:06:56 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Cat Miracle Diet Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it costs more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. [Thanks to Mary Campbell] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 07:24:27 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Backing Up A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, LOOK HOW BIG AND FAT THAT LADY IS!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 11:45:03 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles Drinks of the New Millenium ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Absolute Zero............Absolute vodka over frozen nitrogen Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao and sweet cream over Cornflakes American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice and Jell-O Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs and sand Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice and ammonia George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth and carbon tetrachloride Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice and a spoonful of sugar Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine and tomato juice Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka and Bailey's Irish Cream Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch and nitrous oxide Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup and pomegranate Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice and ice cream Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birdseed ============================================================================= A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice. So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colours and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack. ============================================================================= It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not well with her attractive daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching and that a close friend of the family was responsible. With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house and confronted him. The man readily admitted his guilt. "But I have a very good reason." the soon-to-be dad said. "I doubt that I'll ever get married and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $500,000. If she bears me a son, I'll make it a million." Hearing this our distraught Mother was silent for a while. Then, finally, she gave her reply. "Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable. If it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance?" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 16:40:55 -0400 From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Predictions Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY/MIS: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo-dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... FINANCE: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Just three little numbers... 666. -- Have a peaceful and joyous day. Aditya Mishra Primary e-mail: a018967t@bc.seflin.org Primary homepage: http://www.smart1.net/aditya ICQ # 1131674 Phone #: (954)746-0442 Fax # (209)315-8571 Random thought of the day: Sorry, but "inalienable rights" are only for humans. Next please. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 18:41:29 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Scientific Method (Not a Pun) From: Bruce W. and "Arizona Humor" Via: Lee Daniel Quinn The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer." "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper." "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g)." "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up." "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building." "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'." The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 28 May 2000 to 29 May 2000 (#2000-150) ************************************************************