From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 2000 to 29 Apr 2000 (#2000-120) Date: Saturday, April 29, 2000 2:00 AM There are 4 messages totalling 187 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Rednecks 2. Happy baby (sexual, offensive to gays) 3. Having Sex when you Get Old ("f" word) 4. Surprise birthday party ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 07:42:53 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Rednecks A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law." The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!" ++++++++++++++++ My Aunt Velveeta lets that stupid dog of hers sit right next to her in the dining room. And when she gets done eating, she will take her plate and let that dog lick it clean right at the table! Then she'll put some Poli-Grip on it and slip it right back in her mouth. -- Heywood Banks ++++++++++++++++ ANOTHER BUNCH OF SOUTHERNERS DEAD THE SOUTH -- Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet another bunch of Southerners dead in its wake. The disaster -- which overturned yet another 2,700 mobile homes, submerged yet another 1,500 cars, and left yet another 55,000 people without electricity and water -- is said to be the worst in Texas, Florida, Tennessee or some other place down South since last Friday. (c) Onion, Inc. ++++++++++++++++ As someone once observed, Southerners will be polite until they are angry enough to kill you. -- John Shelton Reed ++++++++++++++++ STUDY FINDS SOUTHERNERS, HUMANS "CLOSELY RELATED" NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Results of a recent study have concluded that, surprisingly, humans and Southerners could be much more closely related than previously thought. "I was in Atlanta," stated research director and life-long New Yorker Harry Smetlinger, "and was surprised to find that Southerners are surprisingly human-like. It's kind of eerie." Dr. Smetlinger's work could transform the way people think of Southerners, believed to be our closest living relatives after chimps, dolphins and Californians. "Most New Yorkers formed their opinion of Southerners from visiting professional athletes," stated Smetlinger, "and, admittedly, some southern relief pitchers do tend to elicit a strong hooting, hopping, dung-throwing response from even the more evolved humans." Smetlinger concluded by saying that he hoped this study would help us to understand and even grow close to Southerners. "But not too close - there's a limit to this sort of thing." Subtle non-human Southerner traits observed include speaking at a leisurely pace, helping people out just to be friendly and -- most surprising -- a tendency to stay married to the same spouse. "That's just not human," stated Smetlinger - Reported by Ishmael Alighieri The Daily Probe The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication Copyright 2000, Chris White ++++++++++++++++ Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do some- thing... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This *is* a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...." ++++++++++++++++ What is FOREPLAY? 1. The lovin' before the shovin'. 2. The pettin' before the gettin'. 3. BULLSHIT! 4. The lickin' before the prickin'. 5. The strokin' before the pokin'. 6. The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration. [damn yankee... git outa mah list!] 7. The lingerin' and the fingerin'. 8. A premature ejaculator's nightmare! [HEY!! I said OUTA HERE!!] 9. Unnecessary with barn animals. *************************** Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 09:31:45 -0400 From: "Taylor, Chris" Subject: Happy baby (sexual, offensive to gays) Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 10:11:57 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Having Sex when you Get Old ("f" word) A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 13:55:29 -0700 From: Terry Tubman Subject: Surprise birthday party I once worked for a small startup with about 25 employees. After a month I noticed they looked out for each other and made the company a great to work at. One day during lunch break I was talking to a small group of my coworkers. I remarked there must be a very low turnover rate because of the friendly work environment. They nodded their heads in agreement and said only one employee has left in the past three years. I asked why and one of them sheepishly recounted the reason. Half of the company decided to throw their popular young female coworker a surprise birthday party. They entered her home with a spare key and hid in the basement waiting for her to come home from work. One of them had previously dog-sat for her while the woman was away on vacation so she had no difficulty keeping the woman's German shepherd quiet while they waited. The young woman was heard to arrive home and go into the shower. Her friends waited patiently for her to turn off the water. Finally they heard her come out of the shower, and she went to the basement door calling her dog, "Willy, Willy. Come here, Willy. Momma's got a treat for you." The dog rushed up the stairs, and the coworkers sneaked up quietly, then burst into the kitchen shouting "Surprise!" The surprise was on them. The young woman was stark naked and had smeared peanut butter all over her body. Willy was eagerly licking it off. Angelfire for your free web-based e-mail. http://www.angelfire.com ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 2000 to 29 Apr 2000 (#2000-120) ************************************************************