From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 2000 to 10 Mar 2000 (#2000-70) Date: Friday, March 10, 2000 2:00 AM There are 9 messages totalling 518 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Ad Of The Week 2. Smiles (adult) 3. Top5 - 3/9/00 - Signs Your Cat is Getting Old 4. Muff Diva 5. HIV Test Results 6. Gifts [Adultish] 7. English as a Second Language 8. Corporate Terminology 9. Painting (Puns) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 06:02:06 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Ad Of The Week The Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for the best Personal Ad, and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue. I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda, what difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the movie). If there is a man out there who: isn't a crackhead or crack dealer, isn't an alcoholic, doesn't have any kids, doesn't smoke, doesn't beat women, isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad, isn't a liar, isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back, isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex, doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex, likes having sex, CAN have sex, is not in jail, on probation, has a court date pending, isn't a misogynist, racist, classist, elitist, lawyer, politician, member of the military, policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King), bible boy, or a pompous ass. Call me!! What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 07:04:40 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles (adult) Blonde Coffee A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out and get coffee for everyone. Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos so that the counterman could view it and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!", the blonde sighed in relief, "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf." ============================================================================ Questions & Ansers Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling. Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you? A: Shorten her chain. Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in. Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end you lose your house. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: Why do women have two sets of lips? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. ============================================================================ Toilet Paper An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name." So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?" The clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home. The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from indians." +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ QUOTE OF THE DAY Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. .........Joey Bishop ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 07:18:03 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 3/9/00 - Signs Your Cat is Getting Old T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Baked, not fried. ================================================================== March 9, 2000 NOTE FROM CHRIS: Eighteen years and nearly $400 million in ticket sales after opening on Broadway, "Cats" -- the longest-running production in Broadway history -- will close on June 25. The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Getting Old [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16> Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day. 15> All he wants to do is watch "Catlock." 14> Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip. 13> Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead." This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole. 12> Bitches non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days." 11> Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas. 10> "You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..." 9> Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job. 8> Writes "Put me to sleep" in its litter box with pee. 7> When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip. 6> Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards. 5> Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard. 4> Occasionally forgets to ignore you. 3> Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag. 2> Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Getting Old... 1> While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny. ================================================================== Rumination of the Day I try to pattern myself after Robin Hood. You know, stealing from the rich and giv-- well, nobody's perfect. (Ram Kurup) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 08:09:05 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Muff Diva Q. What do you call a lesbian opera singer? A. A muff diva. ----------- I think they invented the hospital johnny for the benefit of the male orderlies at old folks homes. You have to be quick if you want to do a geezer before they piss in their diapers. ----------- There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare? ----------- You know, if I were gay, I'd get a colostomy bag so that I could keep my asshole minty fresh without having to enema every day. ----------- Have you ever considered anal sex as an alternative to Ex-lax when you're constipated? ----------- A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers." ----------- Q. Have you heard of the new Lesbian Radio Network? A. National PubeLick Radio. ************************ Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus! [Fool! That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 10:31:01 -0500 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: HIV Test Results Dear Student: You may pick up your HIV Test Results at the Farber Student Health Center on Friday, March 10, 2000 from 9am - 12 noon. These results are from the February 17, 2000 testing. Any test results not picked up before noon will be mailed to your mother. x ___________________ College Physician ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 20:58:22 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Gifts [Adultish] "God's Gifts To Adam" One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 21:12:44 -0800 From: Sue Birkenseer Subject: English as a Second Language Original source unknown. Enjoy these gems from around the world: TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. JAPANESE HOTEL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, pleas control yourself. TOKYO CAR RENTAL SHOP: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking. Here speeching American. LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk. ATHENS HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9 and 1l. a.m.daily. YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read not is. BUCHAREST HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. -- Susan Birkenseer Sue@CircusPrepress.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:11:03 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Corporate Terminology Street-wise translation of corporate terminology... COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 21:17:30 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Painting (Puns) This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said. "For best results, put on two coats." There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock -- of course-who was very interested in making a pound where he could ... so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will-erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 2000 to 10 Mar 2000 (#2000-70) **********************************************************