From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 2000 to 7 Feb 2000 (#2000-38) Date: Monday, February 07, 2000 2:00 AM There are 3 messages totalling 205 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Top 20 Homicides (Part 1 - 20 to 11) 2. 5...A....M... 3. Sexual Consent Form - Part 1/2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 6 Feb 2000 09:32:53 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Top 20 Homicides (Part 1 - 20 to 11) Every year the US FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicide. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit publishes its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year". 20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged bout of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. 19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. 18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. She was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later. 17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a double barrelled shot gun Carla's (the girlfriend) father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case. 16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes, 8 years). The landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent. 15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1-year-old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her. 14. Megan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Megan had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." one of the toppers stated in his report. 13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised $500,000 for the task. The "Hit Man" also killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady, didn't have access to $500,000. 12 Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly. 11. Mummod Foli was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too soon as the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 liters of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 6 Feb 2000 20:07:00 -0600 From: RANEBOUXshesaid Subject: 5...A....M... A guy was telling his friend at a bar of a hotel they were staying at: "You know, I had a woman beating on my door 'til 5 A.M. last night!" "Oh," said his friend, "what did you do at 5 A.M. then?" The guy sighed and replied: "Well, I let her out then..." "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." RANEBOUX accept no other *^* http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/ *^*^ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2000 10:23:47 +0530 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Sexual Consent Form - Part 1/2 [M Kegel is the original author of S&M posted last week. Any groaning, hair-falling et al may be attributed to him. The shoot-at-sight? Pray, we'll see how you target your prey, M Rowe :)] In lieu of the above err, heated context, individuals who would like to conjugate without any sortsa problems are requested to use the following consent form...C ;-) Form# 69 Version 1.0.2 Sexual Consent Form for two individuals Whereas _________________, hereafter known as the first party, and ______________, hereafter known as the second party, being of consenting age and sound mind, hereby consent to the following sexual acts, under the conditions and limitations listed below within the time period between _______ and _______ For more then two parties, see form 271828, a multi-party version of this form. Part 1: Sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy prevention. This form assumes that both parties are in good health and free of known sexually transmitted diseases. If either party consents to any sexual acts while knowingly carrying a STD, that party agrees to any costs incurred as a result of transmission of that STD, and to furthermore pay punitive damages amounting to $_____. Furthermore, each party agrees to acquire and properly use the following methods of contraception and agrees to be liable for failure of these contraceptive devices (check the appropriate forms of contraception) The first party agrees to obtain and use these forms of contraception: __ Condom ( __ with spermicidal lubricant) __ Female condom (experimental. No liability is assumed for pregnancy or STD transmission if this device fails). __ Intrauterine device __ Cervical Cap (__ with spermicide) __ Diaphram ( __ with spermicide) __ Birth control pill (Specify type:________) __ Contraceptive sponge ( __ with spermicidal lubricant) __ Spermicidal jelly or foam __ Surgical sterilization ( __ Vasectomy __ Tubal ligation) __ Norplant __ RU 486 (Not legally available in the United States. Only for use where legal) The second party agrees to obtain and use these forms of contraception: __ Condom ( __ with spermicidal lubricant) __ Female condom (experimental. No liability is assumed for pregnancy or STD transmission if this device fails). __ Intrauterine device __ Cervical Cap (__ with spermicide) __ Diaphram ( __ with spermicide) __ Birth control pill (Specify type:________) __ Contraceptive sponge ( __ with spermicidal lubricant) __ Spermicidal jelly or foam __ Surgical sterilization ( __ Vasectomy __ Tubal ligation) __ Norplant __ RU 486 (Not legally available in the United States. Only for use where legal) Part 2: Pregnancy clause If both the party of the first part and the party of the second part agree that pregnancy is a goal of the sexual acts they wish to engage in, check here: __. If pregnancy is anatomically impossible, check here: __. If either of the previous two conditions don't apply, the following clause applies. In case of unwanted pregnancy, the parties agree to the following actions: (Check all that apply) __ Marriage __ Abortion. Paid for by ____________ __ Adoption __ DNA testing of fetus and both parties to insure that both parties are the parents. Paid for by ____________ __ Single parentood by the following party:_________. In this case, both parties are still financially responsible for the offspring. __ Single parenthood by the following party:________. This party assumes sole fiscal responsibility. [To be concluded morrow] Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 2000 to 7 Feb 2000 (#2000-38) *********************************************************