From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, December 25, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 24 Dec 1998 to 25 Dec 1998 There are 7 messages totalling 322 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Merry Christmas 2. Politically Correct Santa 3. A Christmas Present for your Friends 4. Virgins (adult) 5. Fw: Brothel discounts sex for politicos 6. Kriss Mist punz 7. Letter from Santa. <48 lines> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 04:10:22 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Merry Christmas * Every year, you read in the papers at the start of the shopping season how all of the merchants feel this is going to be the "Greatest Christmas ever !". Odd... I thought the first one was. - - - - - * I love Christmas -- the festive spirit; the gathering of friends & family; the foods, cookies & candies; and especially getting to play with the Grandchildren's new toys. - - - - - * I'm afraid I'm longer so sure about Santa Claus being able to deliver what everyone asks for. This year when I told him what I wanted, and he replied, "Me too !!!" - - - - - * The spirit of Christmas lives on in the US, even in such places as Las Vegas, gambling mecca of the west coast. Of course there, Santa gives all the boys and girls the odds on receiving the gifts they ask for. - - - - - * We've hosted a couple of Holiday Parties already at the Moore residence. The other nite I told Mrs JimJr that the eggnog needed some more alcohol, & she suggested that I just breathe on it a while. - - - - - * We got my one Grandson (lil' Laine) a complete Marine's combat outfit. It even had all the necessary weapons including a toy mortar. I noticed that Mrs JimJr wrapped the present in paper that said: "Peace on Earth". - - - - - * When our kids were growing up, Mrs JimJr and I loved to watch them hang up their stockings on the fireplace mantle. Mostly because it was the only time either of them ever hung up anything. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 06:58:28 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Politically Correct Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." (c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays Everyone! Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 09:39:35 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A Christmas Present for your Friends Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write "Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!" Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 12:52:46 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Virgins (adult) There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." Ten o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 15:39:43 -0500 From: =?iso-8859-1?Q?Aditya=2C_the_=5D-=5Bindu_=A7keptic?= Subject: Fw: Brothel discounts sex for politicos > CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) -- A legal brothel outside Carson >City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent >discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill >Clinton the presidency. > Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime >clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen >``who don't want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital >sex with women who blab.'' The brothel promises strict confidentiality. > Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent >contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clinton's >Senate impeachment trial ends. > He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher >Larry Flynt. > The ``Hustler'' publisher announced last week that he had uncovered >evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned >to publish it. > Hof said, ``What's this world come to when Larry Flynt is now the >congressional morality policeman? I mean, I love Larry, but come on.'' > Hof, a self-described staunch Republican, said, ``I didn't vote for >Bill Clinton, but the right-wing Republicans are going to such extremes, >it's making me crazy. Larry did the right thing.'' > Since the discount offer was made public last week, Hof said he had >fielded ``seven or eight'' calls a day from reporters and has received a >few calls from people claiming to represent unnamed elected officials. > ``But they have been very cautious not to identify themselves, so we >don't know whether they are playing around or are people from the state >Legislature.'' > > ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 16:32:19 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Kriss Mist punz From: Cynthia MacGregor Via: P. U. N. Y. Didja know . . . that although there's a C in CHRISTMAS, and an H, and an R . . . there's NOEL? Once upon a time, my child, seeing grey clouds, asked, "Is it snowing?" and I replied, "It isn't snow, it's reindeer." (my apologies to readers of the bad pun of the day list, to which I sent a longer form of the same pun recently and to whom this will therefore be groaningly familiar already.) Some people follow the Christmas story according to one or another of the gospels, but I prefer the Round Yon Version. Did you hear Prez Clinton's latest strategy? He's planning to recycle Xmas trees as a weapon to use against Saddam. Yep, he's gonna drop a tannen bomb. Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed up at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a suit of armor. But he didn't have as good a publicity agent as those other guys, so he never got as famous. In fact, only one Xmas song celebrates his part in the proceedings: "O Holy Knight." The participants in a Xmas pageant forgot their lines, tripped on their floor- length costumes, and otherwise totally botched up the performance. All the same, they were foolish enough to show up for a curtain call, at which they promptly were pelted with whatever the audience had on hand, rather than being applauded. As they retreated backstage to clean up, the lead player remarked to the others, "Well, those were certainly bows of folly." Don't forget to leave out cookies and milk for Santa. If you don't, he'll put coal in your stocking and Yule be sorry! CYNthetic ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 21:05:35 -0500 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Letter from Santa. <48 lines> Dear ya'll: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as: * There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." * Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy. * Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace. * You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." * "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!" * As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a bumper sticker for non-traditional vehicles: "If you are close enough to read this... you ain't gettin' no presents!" * The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says "You scumbum!" a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. * Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. "Plumber's cleavage" is NOT a pretty sight. * Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle." Sincerely Yours, Santa ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Dec 1998 to 25 Dec 1998 ************************************************