From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, December 24, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 23 Dec 1998 to 24 Dec 1998 There are 5 messages totalling 270 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Religion 2. Political cows 3. Letter From Santa 4. How To Catch A Lion 5. Convent Wear (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 03:44:14 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Religion * On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy ! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last nite, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired ?" "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them." - - - - - * Although I've been a Lutheran all my life, ideas and concepts are continually evolving within the Church. Several years ago, it was determined to call the worshipers "Saints". Personally, I found this term disturbing and discussed it with my Pastor. He said, "Don't forget Jim, the greater the sinner, the greater the Saint." I couldn't help thinking, "Damn ! Now he tells me." - - - - - * At a non-denominational Church in Columbia Maryland a Yuppette in charge of education asked, "Has anyone seen Maynard ?" Another Yuppette answered, "Haven't you heard ? He absconded with all of his company's funds and left town with his secretary." "Oh my good Heavens." the first Yuppette moaned. "Whomever am I going to get to teach his Sunday School class this morning ?" - - - - - * As she was exiting the Church, a woman saw a friend of hers approaching, grinning from ear-to-ear. "Why are you so happy Gail; shouldn't you be remorseful preparing for confession ?" "Yeah. I know." Gail responded, grinning even wider. "But I just can't help it. BOY ! Do I ever have a sin to hit the Father with today !!!" - - - - - * An astronomer had been an agnostic all of his adult life. A good friend who happened to be a minister was always after him to at least acknowledge God's existence. "You place entirely too much emphasis on man and his limited achievements." said the minister. "We are but an infinitesimal speck in God's universe." "Ahhhh..." countered the astronomer, "but if it weren't for me, you'd have no knowledge that the Earth was but a small dot." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 14:11:21 GMT From: Catweasel Subject: Political cows FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Politicians are like diapers. They both should be changed often and for the same reason. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 11:45:55 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Letter From Santa Dear ___________, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have had a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February. Sincerely, Santa Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 09:25:22 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: How To Catch A Lion 1. Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you... For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction... Implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive)... 2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion... Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon... Now you can trap it easily... 3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that the lion should be in the cage... So set the trap, sit down and wait... 4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it... Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion... Lion's in and we are out! 5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass in it except the lions... Then sweep the entire forest with it... 6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire the area... The lion is some where in the result... So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion to trace out the lion... 7. The Sardar's Method: Don't try. You'll get caught by the lion... __________________________________________________________________________ "Chalapathi,what use is a signature line if you can't change it anyway?":) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 22:06:12 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Convent Wear (Pun) It seems that when the Holy Angels Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that . . . Everybody knows that old habits dye hard." (By Rick Sapir in The Pundit) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Dec 1998 to 24 Dec 1998 ************************************************