From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, December 04, 1998 2:00 AM To: harter.douglas@dep.state.pa.us Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1998 to 4 Dec 1998 There are 13 messages totalling 514 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Two Smiles (clean) 2. Conceit 3. A Canadian is someone who..... 4. The Joys of Modern Technology 5. Santa is a man, Part 2. 6. Aural humor (not offensive - I hope) 7. Ethnic Jokes 8. Laugh Time 9. The Night Before Xmas (Microsoft ver.) 10. Santa & System Admistrators 11. Weird Business News #10 (1st of 3) 12. ThE JoYs Of ChRiStMaS 13. The Puritan (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 09:34:31 +0100 From: "Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)" Subject: Two Smiles (clean) A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!" ------------------- Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?" =================== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 03:50:06 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Conceit Admin Note: The post on Tue, 1 Dec 1998 from Paul Benoit entitled "Tobacco Settlement" was originally from the Dave Barry column of August 10, 1997, "Blowing Smoke in Front of a Fan" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - An extra challenge to any jokester is composing humor in a subject he/she isn't familiar with. Being the intelligent, witty, sensitive, super-macho, incredibly funny guy I am though, I shall try to write some jokes about conceit: - After she leaves for work, the mirror stays warm for hours - He'd gain twenty pounds if he ever swallowed his pride - She volunteered to pose for a wall at the PlayBoy Mansion - On his birthday, he sends his parents a congratulations card - She has the only head in town with stretch marks - His AOL not only sez "You've Got Mail", it applauds - Her head is so swollen it actually has a waist - Under extreme duress, he'll admit he's only wonderful - She may not be a Goddess, but she speaketh unto her suitors - He's a humble man, he figures he's got a lot to be humble for - The only way she'd ever get pregnant is if mirrors had sperm - He never takes ego trips; figures there'd be too much baggage - She calls the glamour magazines to see if there are messages - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 07:11:57 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: A Canadian is someone who..... --Thinks an income tax refund is a gift from the government. --On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, assumes it is a train. --When given a compliment, always looks behind to see for whom it is intended. --Knows the difference between the Northern Lights and a Northern Lite. --Doesn't know anyone who owns a flag. --Finds Kentucky Fried Chicken "a bit too spicy". --Holds the world's record for telephone use, probably listening to "Don't hang up. Your call is important to us". --Is constantly pulling himself up by the roots to see whether he is still growing. --Will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota. --Is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself. --In a restaurant, apologizes for not being ready to order at the waiter's convenience. --Will travel across the border to buy cigarettes and return home for subsidized cancer therapy. --Says "sorry" when you accidently bump into him. --Waits for the light to change before crossing a deserted intersection at 3 a.m. --Takes as a signal for a standing ovation any two people who happen to be leaving during curtain calls. --Believes the Free Trade Agreement is an agreement about free trade. --Says "no big deal" to a sidewalk cyclist who's just knocked him down. --Considers turning up the thermostat an integral part of foreplay. --Says "no thanks" to a telemarketing tape. --Never sits in someone else's seat, even if the ticket holder doesn't show. --Says hi to anyone walking a dog. --Goes to hot-tub parties where people wear bathing suits. --Finds himself thinking about sending off to "Hinterland: Who's Who" for further information on the loon. --Carries travelers cheques in a money belt. --Heartily proclaims, "Sure it's 38 below, but it's a dry cold". --When he musters enough courage to buy a Rolex watch, wears it hidden under a long-sleeve shirt and an Eaton's suit. --Spends an inordinate amount of time trying to define what an Canadian is. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:14:43 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The Joys of Modern Technology In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 09:44:14 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Santa is a man, Part 2. In reference to: Old St. Nicki? I think Santa Claus is a woman.... Santa is a man, Part 2. Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would: Be really generous once a year, Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months, And 29 days, (we'll give him Christmas Eve & Day), And yet think he was a saint? Happy Holidays to one and all! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 10:13:25 -0600 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Aural humor (not offensive - I hope) OK, this is an auditory joke. You need to engage someone with the topic of vegetarians at Thanksgiving. It goes something like this: "Did you see all the reports about vegetarians and Thanksgiving. Tofu turkeys? You know, these are the people who don't want to kill anything alive and eat it. And yet these same people think nothing of eating melon balls leaving those poor melons talking like this forever." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 14:34:53 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Ethnic Jokes Q: Have you seen the new Polish porn flick? A: It's called "Deep Hand." ------------------------------ Q: Did you hear about the bridge that the Jews built in the desert? A: They had to tear it down because the Palestinians kept trying to fish off of it! ------------------------------ Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. ------------------------------ TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ 1. Husseinfeld 2. Mad About Everything 3. Allah McBeal 4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror 5. Achmed's Creek 6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right 7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest 8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs 10. Suddenly Sanctions ------------------------------ Q: Where was toothpaste invented? A: Arkansas. Otherwise it would be called teethpaste. ------------------------------ Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China? A: You never leave home. ------------------------------ Q: Why don't Scotsmen count sheep to fall asleep? A: Because they want to sleep, not have a wet dream. ------------------------------ A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p - l - a - y , so we can fuck." ************************************************* The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. --George Bernard Shaw ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 16:38:58 EST From: Neil Rigby Subject: Laugh Time How do you make a billiard ( pool ) table laugh? Put you hands in its pockets and tickle it's balls ! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 16:43:46 -0500 From: "William E. Grover" Subject: The Night Before Xmas (Microsoft ver.) Fwd. message Author unknown 'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping. The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads. Page Maker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle. After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue. No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. And don't you be late, From now on Christmas runs only on Win98. More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through, It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself. Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!" And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound. And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 18:51:20 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Santa & System Admistrators I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. Consider: 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 18:59:20 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Weird Business News #10 (1st of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tis the season for turkey and dressing, Santa and that reindeer with the nose which betrays the drinking problem. And it's also the prime season for Weird Business News as companies scramble for the holiday sale -- all the while humming, "What a friend we have in Jesus." People with something to sell reach far to link it to a holiday -- so far they often stumble. Some examples: * "With the gift-giving season in full swing, sales for an all-natural, European breast enhancement tablet used to develop firmer, fuller breasts have increased over 40 percent, according to figures calculated by Busting Out, Inc." * "id Software, Activision Inc. and Diamond Multimedia systems, Inc., are kicking off this holiday season with a QUAKE Wrecks the Halls promotion ... " * "On Thanksgiving, Celebrate Turkey Day the 7-Eleven Way -- In your car." * "WWW.Speedingticket.Net just in time for holiday traffic." * "Gold coins from a sunken Spanish vessel, the world's first postage stamp, the valuable Morgan Silver Dollar and other collectibles are being offered by Amway through its new Amway Historic Treasures Catalog." * "Ties do it. Perfume does it. Now mutual funds do it -- make a good holiday gift, that is." And my absolute favorite is from the Humane Society of the United States, which announces it has commissioned a new costume for Santa Claus which does not contain any fur. It's described as a full-length red coat and cap trimmed in green and accentuated with gold stars -- designed by Oleg Cassini ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 20:10:35 EST From: Michael Gaines Subject: ThE JoYs Of ChRiStMaS Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest. This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess ! Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with total regret, says "Whats taking so long....arent you through in here yet ??" As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life ! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!" Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ? Oh shit it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ?? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesnt work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 17:15:05 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Puritan (Pun) There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret. The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1998 to 4 Dec 1998 **********************************************