From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, November 03, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1998 to 3 Nov 1998 There are 11 messages totalling 561 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Glenn's Mission 2. Money 3. Have'n a Bad day???????????? 4. Dilbertisms 5. Humor - Weird Business News #9 (2nd of 3) 6. ETHNIC JOKES > 7. Flippant comments and questions about contemporary life 8. Politically INcorrect Clean Bible Humor 9. differences (adult, pun) 10. Repainting (Pun) 11. Following The Doc's Advice? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 01:21:08 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: Glenn's Mission The media attention given John Glenn's mission has convinced NASA to give more celebrities a shuttle ride in the name of science. Who should be next, and why? (_) George Michael - "Friction in a Weightless Environment." (_) Hanson - "Analysis of the *_Mmmmm-Bop_* Comet." (_) Dan Quayle - "Vacuum vs. Vacuum: Which is Emptier?" (_) Pamela Anderson Lee - "Survey of Heavenly Bodies." (original source unknown) -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Raneboux~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 04:22:02 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Money * There are lots of things in life more important than money. Problem is... they all end-up costing ya money too. - - - - - * It's better to give than to lend -- besides, most times it ends-up costing ya about the same anyway. - - - - - * I never had a problem with the old adage "You can't take it with ya." I don't have enuff to get me there anyway. - - - - - * The next time a salesman tells ya that something costs roughly $1100, ask him how much is it when he smoothes it out. - - - - - * Personally, I'd gladly participate in any experiment which tests the effect of sudden wealth. - - - - - * OK, so money can't buy happiness. But the way I see it, it'll take ya more places to look. - - - - - * In the 50's banks used to put their pens on chains... these days it's the bank Presidents who are chained in pens. - - - - - * Speaking of banks (I was) they have two things I love -- money and holidays - - - - - * In western Howard County folks still live in envy when the other guy's grass is greener. In Columbia, they worry about whether the other guy's wallet is greener. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 07:38:03 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Have'n a Bad day???????????? Next time you think you're having a bad day read this...... 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the capper....... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting that it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Here's hoping your day is better than any of these! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 16:04:42 GMT From: Catweasel Subject: Dilbertisms A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) 4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) 5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) 6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3MCorp.) 7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) 10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) 13.As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 14.This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo >from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!" Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Where would you like Bill Gates to go today? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 11:13:18 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #9 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Say that again, if you can. Our News From Hollywood Section contains the following: "An autographed photograph of Academy Award Actress Miss Shirley MacLaine that she presented to Jamaican Futurist Dr. Ernesto Montgomery that has been observed shedding tears, together with a painting of the Angel of Peace at the headquarters of the Beta Israel Temple/Black Jewish Synagogue of Hollywood is now available for viewing by members of the public. ... " Headline of the Month: "Straight Talk. Vanna White Embraces Orthodontic Health Month." The Say Where? Award to Scandinavian Naturals, "the company that brought women the anti-wrinkle pill, Sincera. Scandinavian Naturals has introduced an anti-wrinkle pill for men, Samson Protein Plus." Scandinavian Naturals is headquartered in Perkasie, Pa. The P.T. Barnum Just May Have Been Right Award to QVC, which reported that four seconds after Mark McGwire hit his 62nd home run, the pitch person's network broke into its regular programming to offer "commemorative 62nd Home Run Baseball merchandise. Before the day was over, customers had ordered over 100,000 items totaling more than $2.6 million." Our Ambiguous News Release Headline Award to the Electronic Retailing Association for: "Gennifer Flowers to Show Off Her Talents at the 1998 Electronic Retailing Association Convention." The State the Obvious Award to the Travel Industry Association of America, which proclaimed, "National Parks are Popular with Travelers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 12:18:51 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: ETHNIC JOKES > Q. What's the fastest animal on earth? A. A chicken running through Ethiopia!! ------------------------------- When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, he started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there. "When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere." Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of theroad. She pointed this out. Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!" The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car. "Sir, I can't shoot that man... he's the Indian ambassador." ------------------------------- Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamese cookbook? A. 100 way to wok your dog. ------------------------------- A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab Sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime... now, it's like a silver dollar." Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?" ------------------------------- How can you tell if there is an Irishman at a cockfight? He enters a duck. How can you tell if there is a Polishman there? He bets on the duck. How can you tell if there is an Italian there as well? The duck wins. ------------------------------- Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident one was shot by the other. His worried comp- anion got him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital. "Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?" "It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first." ------------------------------- I went for a Lebanese curry the other night..... It was OK, but left my stomach with a bad case of the Shiites. ------------------------------- Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ------------------------------- Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME". A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said than done. But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch. Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME." ************************************************************** "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." -- Homer Simpson ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 13:27:11 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Flippant comments and questions about contemporary life I lost my heart, my love, my house and my credit cards to love. Boy, I sure miss my credit cards. I see Guy Millner will do away with the tenure for college professors. Will he replace them with temporary help from his company. Boy will that be great! When will a law be passed making driving and the use of car phones illegal? Wonder what will happen first, finding Eric Rudolph, impeaching Clinton or a comet hitting the earth? Why can't joggers and couch potatoes just get along? I need help studying for my Georgia drivers license test - can four cars go through a light that has turned red, or is it only three? I don't know about being a husband emeritus, but if your ex gets married again, you and the new groom will be husbands-in-law. Heard on Monday Night Football: "That's a decision a coach has to make on a daily basis every week." If you eat a bowl of pasta and a bowl of antipasto, do the calories cancel out? Warhol's prediction obviously needs to be revised: "In the future, everyone's sex life will be famous for 15 minutes." In a recent issue of the Atlanta Constitution there was a headline: "Study: Monkeys are able to count." To the left of this headline was a picture of Newt holding his hand up displaying five fingers. It must be true. Speaking of Quayleisms, Dan Quayle recently told a CNN reporter, "You can be sure that in 2000 the Republicans will come up with a candidate who can beat Clinton." Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 13:47:02 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Politically INcorrect Clean Bible Humor This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and ask them if th th, and ask them, and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 23:00:15 +0200 From: Leo Heler Subject: differences (adult, pun) Q. What's the difference between the snowman and the snowwoman? A. Snowballs!!! -- Leo Heler ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 19:11:58 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Repainting (Pun) It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. It said, ... "For best results, put on two coats." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 09:36:57 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Following The Doc's Advice? Time after time, night after night Paul just couldn't last long while having sex with his wife. He felt horrible, he felt like he was disappointing her. She constantly gave him support saying, "Honey, dont worry about it. It's alright." He decided that it wasnt 'alright' and that he was going to do whatever he could to remedy the problem. After a day or two of thought Paul finally came to the conclusion that he would try asking the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "Believe it or not it's not an uncommon problem, have you ever tried masturbating before you have sex with your wife?" Paul replied with a 'no'. "Well," the doctor continued, "if you do, it will take you longer to cum when you're having sex with your wife." Paul smiled and said, "Thanks doc, I'll give it a try" The next day while Paul was at work, he received a call from his wife, she was warning him that she was EXTREMELY horny and that she was going to attack him the moment he walked through the door. This got him excited, but then he realized, "Wait, if she 'attacks' me when I walk through the door, then I wont be able to try the doc's suggestion." Paul tried to think of somewhere he could go to try his new technique, "Well, I cant do it at my desk. mail room? no, too risky. restroom? too risky there too. I know, I'll just pull over on my way home, get under my truck and act like I'm working on it, nobody will know. Paul leaves work and gets about half way home before he decides he's found just as good a place as any to do what he must do. He pulls over, gets under his truck and starts masturbating, eyes closed imaging that it's his wife giving him a hand job. After a few minutes he fells someone hit him on the leg. Startled Paul yells out, "What? Who's there?" A reply came sharply, "I'm the sheriff, mind if I ask what you're doin'?" Paul had to think fast, "Oh, there's nothing majorly wrong, it appears I have an oil leak or something, I'm just checking it out." The sheriff replied, "Oh ok, you might want to check your parking brake while you're down there, you're truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1998 to 3 Nov 1998 **********************************************