From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, September 27, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1998 to 27 Sep 1998 There are 11 messages totalling 428 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 1993 Humor Digest 2. Curiosity < adult > 3. India jokes 4. Back To School 5. Bumper Stickers 6. English 7. CLINTON & MONICA (ADULT) 8. HUMOR: Kenneth Starr and Larry Flynt 9. Whale Tale 10. Jerry Seinfeld on Homophobia... 11. Two Old Yankees (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 03:32:02 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: 1993 Humor Digest As y'all know, I've been collecting old Digests for a Web Archive. I happened upon an early post by our List's Founder and thought y'all might enjoy seeing it. The Humor List had approximately 850 members at the time this post was written. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:09:04 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Ethnic humor from a Norwegian source Special note: Sara Pummelhart posted the 1000th post last Thursday -- that's an important milestone for this young list. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Two Norwegians, two Swedes, and two Danes were stranded on a desert island. When the rescue party arrived two months later, the Norwegians were fighting, the Danes had formed a cooperative, and the Swedes were still waiting to be introduced. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A citizen of Oxford, England, moved to London, where he soon found himself a little bit too superior to the rest of the population. So in order to fit in to the environment, he had to do a surgery to remove half of his brain. Very well, he went to a hospital to get it done. The surgeon, however, made a mistake during the operation, and instead of removing _half_ of the brain, he removed the whole thing. When the patient woke up, his first word was "Howdy! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Dane, the Swede, and the Norwegian were arguing about which country was most advanced in medicine. "Well, in our hospitals," the Dane bragged, "we had a lady who had lost her arm. We put in a mechanical arm, and now it works just as if it was her own!" "Hah, that's nothing," said the Swede. "In our hospitals, we had a person without a heart. We put in an artificial one, and now he is running for the olympics!" "Hahaha," said the Norwegian. "We had a person who had gotten his head chopped off. We put on a cabbage, and now he is in the parliament!" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998: (text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr (zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 14:44:11 +0530 From: Dilip Nathani Subject: Curiosity < adult > A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?" "Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain. "Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 06:17:24 PDT From: r s Subject: India jokes A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A Hindu newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort , he started shouting loudly, " Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A huge and big sized Hindu gets on a train in India , shouts " I am the son of a lion !" and manhandles a weak and sickly Muslim by pushing him out of his seat. The meek Muslim stands for the whole journey for the better part of a day. Finally the Hindu gets up and leaves the train. As the train starts off the Muslim looks out of the window and yells at the bullying Hindu , " Did your mother go into the jungle or did the lion come to your house?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Indian film star Jeetendra recalls a time when his phone rings and he picks it up. " Is your refrigerator running ?" the voice at the other end asks. Taken aback, Jeetendra replies , " Yes, it is." " Then why don't you run after it." comes the retort. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read about the adventures of a Singaporean in India at: http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 10:06:30 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Back To School A few weeks late, but oh well! 'Twas the night before school started! 'Twas the night before school started When all through the town The parents were cheering. It was a riotous sound. By eight the kids were washed And tucked into bed When memories of homework Filled them with dread New pencils, new folders, New notebooks, too, New teachers, new friends- Their anxiety grew. The parents just giggled When they learned of this fright And shouted, "Upstairs! GO TO BED! IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 10:40:49 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Bumper Stickers Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Editing is a rewording activity. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. My reality check just bounced. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo! My other wife is beautiful. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 17:26:25 +0100 From: Catweasel Subject: English Here is a report regarding the preferred language for european communications. ====================================================== The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels-based hack The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Catweasel http://www.catweasel.org Today isn't going to be as good as you'll think it was in the future. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 11:27:19 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: CLINTON & MONICA (ADULT) Q. What's the difference between Clinton and Lewinsky? A. Clinton doesn't know how to come clean. Monica doesn't know how to clean cum. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 15:23:43 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: HUMOR: Kenneth Starr and Larry Flynt This news just in from a friend: > >In a final bit of irony, Reuters says Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler >magazine, offered Kenneth Starr a job yesterday. > >"After a reading of the Starr report I am impressed by the salacious >and voyeuristic nature of your work," Flynt wrote in a letter to the >Special Prosecutor. ***"I congratulate you for having opened the >doors of libraries and schools to pornographic literature."*** > >Flynt noted in his letter that the Starr report contains 50 references >to genitalia, while this month's Hustler only has 44. > >To be fair to the report -- not to mention those who've waded through >that massive tome in search of the naughty parts -- we're talking a >mere 50 mentions in 445 pages of dense, unillustrated text. > >Mostly boring text, I might add. > >Flynt may want to reconsider the notion of hiring a lawyer to write >porn for him. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 18:52:14 EDT From: J e n Subject: Whale Tale A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore". At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen". "We were given the right to the pursuit of happiness. It's up to us to catch it." talkloud@juno.com Jen ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 19:09:34 EDT From: Sue Sevin Subject: Jerry Seinfeld on Homophobia... From the book SeinLauguage, by Jerry Seinfeld... What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wanter into some sort of homosexual store thinking its a shoe store and the salesman says, 'Just hold this guys hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'" ================================================== Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin ================================================== ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 17:17:49 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Two Old Yankees (Pun) In the days preceding the Civil War, the Union Army sensed that trouble was brewing just south of the Mason-Dixon line. A request for bids for Army uniforms was circulated, and the winning bid was submitted by an established garment manufacturer just north of that famous boundary. The Confederates attacked Fort Sumter, and the Northern army issued a call for volunteers. Included among those eager to serve the North were two elderly gentlemen of such an advanced age that their offer to fight was politely declined. They persisted in their patriotic efforts to such an extent that General Sherman heard of their loyalty and patriotism. He summoned them, commended them for their devotion to Duty, Honor and Country, and then offered them the opportunity to serve in the war effort by working in the plant that supplied uniforms to the Army. They accepted the offer with mixed emotions - happy to serve on one hand, but dejected that they were considered too old to fight. They reported to the factory, and were given the responsibility of coloring the fabric that was to be cut and sewn into Union Army uniforms. Day in, day out, they mixed the blue dye and added it to the vats where the fabric was soaking... The tide of battle waxed and waned, the Yankees pushed south, the Rebels pushed north, and eventually the Confederate forces crossed the Mason-Dixon line and captured, among other facilities, the garment manufacturing plant. The order was given to convert all Union manufacturing to Confederate specifications - the personnel in the garment plant were provided with appropriate buttons, braid and insignia of rank, and the existing fabric was to be faded from Union blue to Confederate gray. Those chosen for the task were our elderly heroes who had diligently dyed the fabric in the first place. These patriots steadfastly refused to reverse the coloring process, and were given the choice of fading the fabric or being incarcerated in a nearby prison camp. They chose to be imprisoned rather than serve their Rebel captors. The tide of battle waxed and waned, the Yankees pushed south, the Rebels pushed north, the Yankees pushed south and eventually the Yankee forces recaptured the garment manufacturing plant and, among other facilities, the Prisoner-Of-War camp. After the prisoners had been liberated, news of the defiance of the soldier-wannabes reached General Grant. General Grant summoned the two patriots, awarded them medals for their bravery and advised them that if they still wanted to fight, they could suit up, get their weapons and join the next sortie against the Rebels. They tearfully accepted the offer and went forth to join the fray, and to this day it is still said that ... old dyers never fade -- they just soldier away. (By Jim Arnett ) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1998 to 27 Sep 1998 ************************************************