From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Thursday, September 17, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1998 to 17 Sep 1998 There are 10 messages totalling 467 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Younger Set 2. Two Smiles 3. Russian leaders and the train 4. The Piano Man 5. The Duct Tape controversy rages on... 6. alien's point of vue: TV 7. Donald Trump's Advice 8. Sinking library 9. Chief 10. The Will (Pun) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 03:58:56 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Younger Set * A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !" - - - - - * Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ? Well, if we were speeding, so were you !" - - - - - * Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue." - - - - - * When Mrs JimJr & I voted in the Primary Tuesday, we had a Grandson along. Planted outside the school is a Magnolia tree. Lil' Jimmy took great delight in walking on the leaves that had fallen from it. I asked him if he knew what kind of leaves they were. Without a pause, he replied, "Crunchy." - - - - - * I guess you can get too health conscious. Mrs JimJr and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?" - - - - - * My oldest Granddaughter Christina, loves to play lil' Mommie with the Grandkids younger than her. She even "fixed" breakfast for her brother and her cousin. When Jimmy was not eating his toast, and Laine was not eating his Rice Krispies, she admonished them with, "Jimmy ! Eat your toast, it's almost cold. And Laine ! Eat your cereal, it's almost quiet." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 07:03:57 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Two Smiles Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself in to a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first. " --------------------------------------------------------- New Computer Viruses Ellen Degeneres virus.........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Monica Lewinsky virus.........Sucks all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus.................Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus..................Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus..............Quits after one byte Prozac virus..................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there. Lorena Bobbit virus...........Turns your hard disk into a floppy Tim Allen virus...............Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Woody Allen virus.............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Saddam Hussein virus..........Won't let Jews into any of their programs Tonya Harding virus...........Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons George Michaels virus.........Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Joey Buttafuoco virus.........Only attacks minor files X-files virus.................All your Icons start shape shifting Spice Girl virus..............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop Ronald Reagan virus...........Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus......Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Sony Bono virus...............Just when you get surfing the Web, a firewall appears out of no where Martha Stewart virus..........Takes all your files, sorts them by category, folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop Oprah Winfrey virus...........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...Terminates and stays resident. But it will be back ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 13:23:12 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Russian leaders and the train Imagine that each leader of the USSR (and now Russia) finds himself on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have come to an end. What instructions would he give to his entourage? Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward! Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the train and we shall ride over them. Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set them down in front and we shall continue our journey. Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and forth and make clicking noises. Gorbachev: We have glasnost now. Run outside and shout at the top of your lungs: "There are no rails!" Yeltsin: Privatise he tracks, the train, and send the passengers back to their original homelands! (From a list owned by Nelson Moy) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 11:46:54 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: The Piano Man (via Dvlwitch) This piano player goes out on an audition for a job. The manager asks him to play a sample of his music. He plays a song that's so beautiful, everyone in the place cheers and the manager says to him, "That was great! What is the name of that song?" The man replies "That one's called 'I'm gonna fuck your wife all night'." The manager is shocked! He can't believe it. He asks the man to play another song for him. He does and this one is more beautiful than the last one! The manager, expecting the worst, calls him over and asks the name of this song..... The piano man replies, "That was 'Your momma gives great blow jobs'." The manager tells him, "Look, you play great but those names you have for the songs are shocking... you can have the job, but please, *just play* and don't tell anyone the titles, OK??" The man at the piano agrees, accepting the job. Well, it's opening night and he is standing by the piano, a bit nervous, when a beautiful lady walks up to him. She looks him over and says "Do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" He replies "DO I KNOW IT? HELL, I WROTE IT!!!! ***************************************** Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 14:39:14 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: The Duct Tape controversy rages on... Those who worry about the "size" of HUMOR list can take some consolation in the fact that quality of the readership is truly amazing. Case in point: a recent posting on the infamous "Duct Tape" controversy drew a response from THE WIFE OF the scientist who is at the center of it all. The original posting read, in part: Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:01:28 -0400 Subject: If you can't believe in Duct Tape... This week's TIME magazine (dated Sept. 7) reports that DUCT TAPE is not good for sealing DUCTS! I saw the quote right there in the front-end section of the magazine. "It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically." --Max Sherman What are we to make of this? Will Sherman be challenged by the Duct Tape Council? Is it possible he's just not a 'guy' and can't use the stuff? Will therebe further tests? Is it a result of Clinton's lack of moral fiber? Will the Dilemmacrats blame it on the Repelicans? Ontological foundations are shaking all around us. *** Dr. Sherman's wife responded as follows: 1) We are to make of it that the general population is much more emotionally attached to duct tape than was EVER imagined 2) I'm sure that if there IS a Duct Tape council he will be challenged by it - let's just hope that they're not based in Montana 3) Yes, he's a real guy - and we have two lovely children to prove it 4) Yes, he can use the stuff, and did just this last weekend to repair a leaky garden hose - he just doesn't use it for ducts 5) I'm sure that there will be further tests - possibly by the tape manufacturers in self defense, possibly as an experiment by the American Psychological Society to explore the further effects of challenging widely held assumptions (see #1) 6) No, it's not a result of Clinton's lack of moral fiber - but if Hillary had used it more often, Clinton would probably not be in the fix he's currently in 7) No, it won't be blamed on the Republicans - it lends itself better to generalized alien invasion paranoia 8) I don't know about the ontological foundations, but the Alaskan population is distinctly rattled - it seems that Max has cast doubt on a state icon. I hope this clears up your confusion. Regards, Jan Sherman (Mrs. Duct Tape) *** Those who may wish to pursue this issue in further detail should see the online version of the Sunday (Sept. 13th) Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPlate/1998-09/13/134l-091398-idx.html This piece is written by Dr. Sherman rather than by Mrs. Duct Tape, but there is a family resemblance in the writing styles. (By the way, Jan Sherman assures me that she is not a reincarnation of Erma Bombeck.) HUMOR uber Alles! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 23:10:35 +0300 From: Leo Heler Subject: alien's point of vue: TV One of the most frightening things that I discovered on Earth was TV.= We have it. It was forbidden way before biological weapons. We just keep a f= ew in showrooms and military museums. If you shot a guy in his shoulder with a bullet big enough, his arm i= s gone. If you shoot him in the head, he'll probably loose his life in an instant. But, if you give him a TV set, he'll become a ruin. He becomes addicted. He'll "gotta" see that show. He'll just "gotta". He'll do anything. He'll leave from his job earlier, he'll cancel having sex. He just gotta see his show. Come on, human, be honest: how much time= a day do you spend with the TV? And how much with your wife/mistress/fianc=E9e/kids/SO? The time spent in front of TV increases. Not only the shows, but the news come in sight. I am not willing to discuss sports. Instead of playin= g ball with the kids, the husband will rather buy a pack of six and watch t= he White Sox. Mothers tell their children one thing, in order to scare them: "If yo= u spend too much time in front of the telly, your brains will rot!" They do= n't know how right they are. Besides the actual time lost during the show, more time goes to nowhe= re the next day. "Hi! Have you seen yesterday... bla bla bla". Communication also ceases during the show. "Dear, would you help me w= ith that? Dear! Dear! DEAR! HEY! Are you there? Hellllo!" It seems that sever hearing impediments appear while watching the game! Also memory is affect= ed. Due to "Young and restless" hundreds of meals remain unprepared each day. The TV is also associated with the social status: "Haven't you got HBO?!" or "he's such a freak, keeps looking to Discovery channel". No offense to the Discovery! Addiction is acquired by all the ages, sexes, ethnical groups, religi= on groups, etc. Kids become addicted to cartoons. Than they grow into Playbo= y channel. Then... forget about it, I am not advertising XXX rated! For girls, they have got those maple syrup-love-stories-heart-breaking channels. For old maids, as well. They even invented Tele-evangelism! TV really is pushy. Some disgustingly rich friend of mine removed an original painting from his living room and put in that place the TV! Not being all the day at home, people buy VCR's in order to record th= ose shows. Of course, programming the VCR is the second hardest thing in the universe. Ok, Ok, I'm gonna tell ya. I knew that you couldn't figure it out all by yourself. For women, the hardest thing is not to envy another women, whil= e for men, the hardest thing is to raise (and lower!) the toilet seat. -- Leo Heler Four lines is not enough ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 16:08:21 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Donald Trump's Advice I heard that Donald Trump had this advice for Clinton: Leave Hillary now - before she leaves YOU; resign; go out and have some fun! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 09:19:51 +0800 From: Mike Robertshaw Subject: Sinking library From the Mezzenger News The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, the engineers failed to take into account the weight of the books that would occupy the building. (The engineers responsible for this were actually graduates of Purdue University, Indiana University's most hated rival.) Mike R ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 20:00:16 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: Chief FROM THE JOKER An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in and, as he was waiting for his cab, decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'Ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that "How" was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'Ello mate.") On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How!" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the chief. Steven ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 22:35:11 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: The Will (Pun) As you all know, American millionaires have a tendency to become avid collectors, often of the strangest things. This was certainly true of one particular millionaire whom I shall call John. John collected impressionist paintings, but not the ones you might think. He specialized in Eastern Bloc artists, being especially fond of those from Czechoslovakia. Over the years, he accumulated hundreds of such paintings. Individually they weren't that valuable, but as a collection they were of considerable interest to art historians. Realizing this, he many years ago altered his will so that all of his collection was to be presented to the museum in the town where he had grown up. Also included was a quite handsome sum to cover security and display costs. Time passed, as it always does, and last year, John died peacefully in his sleep. What John hadn't foreseen was the breakup of the Soviet Union, and the opening up of the former communist countries to Western eyes. The value of John's collection had shot through the roof, in comparison with what he had considered its monetary value, and his surviving relatives began to cast envious eyes on the artwork. The situation was made considerably worse when, during cataloguing, it was discovered that the collection included a long lost work by a famous French impressionist, with a value commensurate with its creators fame. All the relatives screamed loudly, and demanded that the will be contested in court. Some of them wanted all the paintings for themselves, but most were willing to allow the museum to have all except the French example and maybe even that one, as long as the museum was willing to pay a "reasonable price" for them. As with all such cases, the more money involved, the faster the case is heard, and the longer it takes to hear it. Thus, it was only last week that the judge handed down his decision. He found that the provision in the will was clearly stated, and perfectly reasonable. He therefor awarded the paintings to the museum, doing so in the clearest terms he could find. Indeed, his summation is a masterpiece of clarity. " From the terms of this will it is plain to see.... You get your Monet for nothing, and your Czech's for free." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1998 to 17 Sep 1998 ************************************************