From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU] Sent: Monday, August 24, 1998 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 23 Aug 1998 to 24 Aug 1998 There are 12 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Mrs JimJr - Chef Unaware 2. bullying, not always an option 3. Hot Diggety Dog 4. +++ THE CHURCH of APATHY +++ 5. ^^ Who are you calling colored ? ^^ 6. ^^^ SAM'S SHACK ^^^ 7. ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++ 8. Americans with no Abilities Act (political parody) 9. Amish Ass(Adult) 10. Visit to the Dentist (Pun) 11. At the Vets 12. THE MOURNFUL MAN ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 03:26:26 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Mrs JimJr - Chef Unaware A few "fans" wrote to say I was unduly harsh on Mrs JimJr in my recent post regarding her alleged cooking abilities. Let me give y'all a few more facts and you be the Judge: * She was so inexperienced when we were first married... Instead of cracking eggs, she opened them with a can opener. * Just last month, "Bon Appetit" tried to buy her subscription back for double the value. * Her homemade soup is a little tough though. We're the only family I know who uses soup knives. * Her coffee is a bit strong too... You have to be careful not to cut your lip. * I'll admit she does come-up with some interesting combos though. How many of you have ever had chili a la mode ? * Thanksgiving JimJr Jr asked what kind of turkey it was. I said, "Wait and I'll see if we have the dental records". * Since my heart attack, she's been feeding me a lot of fish. Once in a while, I find myself breathing thru my cheeks. * And since I've retired she's tried to economize a lot. Just last week, we had ankle of veal. * When we have spaghetti, it's always without meatballs. You see, her meatballs explode on impact. * Once at a Ouija party, she served an interesting tray of snacks. The Ouija Board spelled out, "Don't eat the snacks." * I will admit though a lot of people say no one cooks like her. The Vietnam Vets we know all say it reminds them of POW camp. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 To subscribe: Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 22 Aug 1998 18:59:16 +0300 From: Leo Heler Subject: bullying, not always an option There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..." (thanx to DanC) -- Leo Heler ...Mouse not found. Click here to continue ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 10:30:36 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Hot Diggety Dog A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:04:31 -0500 From: rubin Subject: +++ THE CHURCH of APATHY +++ +++ THE CHURCH of APATHY +++ ( just satire folks.....) Join our Church of Apathy when you get good and ready, or around-to-it. This is the official church for those that don't wish to identify with a specific religion. For those that feel that atheism and agnosticism are just too much damm work. Others who believe that their religion solves all their problems, need not apply. We are a relatively New Religion with new attitudes. We are Apathists. We seek no converts. We distribute no pamphlets. We ring no door bells. The Church of Apathy was thought about by its Founders for several years, before they decided to organize on December 26th, 1968, they decided not to become tax exempt, nor claim any guidance from any divine source. In 1979 they decided to look around for a suitable church site, but that effort proved to be too much trouble, and besides they really didn't care where they met anyway. The founders thought they should have a clergy person, but so far all that applied were rejected. They asked stupid questions about our not having a prayer book with writing in it. Some complained that we didn't have a Symbol or a Logo identifying our religion. Some wanted us to light candles, bless wine, chant, sway. kneel, pray or in general "carry on " like mainstream religions....all of these candidates for the clergy person were rejected. We soon will be celebrating the 30th year of our founding. We Apathists encourage those that share our deeply rooted apathy to think about joining our church as non-active members. We seek no donations nor offerings.... you keep your money, and we'll keep ours. As we have no mother church, postal address, telephone number, or website, we are sometimes difficult to locate. However if you have faith, and are not in any big rush to join our Church of Apathy, you are the type of person that could benefit by being an Apathist. We are happy to say that in almost 30 years, not one of our members has been called "a dirty Apathist " to their face, they have demanded, and received "apple fritters" as their religious rights, in prisons and university cafeterias, and our Religion is not part of any college course on "Comparative Religions ", and as far as we know, none of our faithful have been healed, saved, or converted. Some have rented from Avis but we consider that as free will. Someday we would like to sponsor our own TV ministry, but we haven't figured out as yet what to preach about. We strongly believe that one should not take YES for an answer.....but if they do, they do. We do have a motto: Don't Bother Us...and We Won't Bother You. ------ writ by rubin....reluctantly. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:05:27 -0500 From: rubin Subject: ^^ Who are you calling colored ? ^^ Negro, colored, black.... Nicole Burkes, 12, Southwook Junior High. When I was born, I was black. When I grew up, I was black. When I am sick, I am black. When I go out in the sun, I am black. When I am cold, I am black. When I die, I will be black. But you...when you are born, your are pink. When you grow up, you are white. When you are sick, you are green. When you go out in the sun, you turn red. When you are cold, you turn blue. When you die, you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored? ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:06:26 -0500 From: rubin Subject: ^^^ SAM'S SHACK ^^^ ^^^^ SAM'S SHACK ^^^^ A man's off road vehicle breaks down in the middle of the Mojave desert. Its the middle of summer and the area is not named "Death Valley" for nothing, so he decides to hike out. By the time he finally reaches even a dirt road, he is on his last legs and dying of thirst. Up ahead he spots a roadside stand and a shack. He gets to his feet and stumbles up to the stand. "Water!" he croaks. Morris, the owner of the stand smiles. "Hey, I don't sell water. My brother Sam, he sells bottled water in the shack next door. I sell ties...... Wanna buy a tie?" "No, I need water," the dying man says. So he drags himself over to the door of Sam's shack, hauls himself up on his feet, and starts to walk in, when Sam, the shack owner, stops him. "Sorry, can't get in without a tie!" oyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy....Oy ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 11:07:34 -0500 From: rubin Subject: ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++ ++ BIRTHDAYS OF LITTLE KNOWN PEOPLE ++ May 22nd....Emanuel B. Elfenbein....discovered club soda August 8th...Dennis Edward Dolfi....wrote Beethoven's 10th symphony January 31st....Gerry Beaudoin....refills BIC pens for illiterate people October 9th....Isabella Barsky....lead singer with the "G Spots " March 13th....Saul William Foos....sentenced to 9 months, for stealing milk from a nursing mother. September 17th....Richard B. Nava....ate seven eggs, still in hens December 26th....Max Linda Bacon...had sex with an armadillo April 23rd....Mary Carol Nerdrum....changed her name from Mary Esther Nerdrum February 3rd....Robert Woody Sprick....keeps a record of every Atheist holiday November 19th....Wade Campbell Cohen....invented alphabet soup June 30th....Evelyn Iris Shuman....has world's largest collection of Tampon strings July 5th....Marilyn Monroe....does Janet Reno look-A-like routine at conventions October 28th....Ralph S. Mothner....has just received a patent for F-Mail ---researched by rubin ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 14:08:12 -0700 From: Susan Birkenseer Subject: Americans with no Abilities Act (political parody) > Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act > August 7, 1998 WASHINGTON, DC, UPI, AP Wire > > On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No > Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and > protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. > > The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly > after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the > millions > upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses. > > Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of > their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a > meaningful > role for themselves in society,- said Clinton, a longtime ANA > supporter. > > Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of > unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, > > fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and > processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for > these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working > hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.- > > Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than > 25 million important-sounding-middle-man positions will be created > in > the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with > an > illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance > based > raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of > upward > mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable > employees. > > The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire > non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one > non-germane worker for every two talented new hires. > > Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains > tough > new measures to preventdiscrimination against the non-abled by > banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview > questions > as, -What can you bring to this organization?- and -Do you have any > special skills that would make you an asset to this company?- > > "As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep > up > with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou > Gertz, > who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a > Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of > notable > skills. "This new law should really help people like me." > > With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz > and > millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see > a > light at the end of the tunnel. > > Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as > human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless > of > his or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in > this > great nation." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 17:56:08 -0500 From: RAINYBOW Subject: Amish Ass(Adult) What do you call an Amish with his arm up a horses' ass? ........ .... .. A mechanic. -- If u cannot find the pot of gold....... Just enjoy the Rainbow~ RAINY ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 17:50:14 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Visit to the Dentist (Pun) He was still a novice. His goal was to become an Arahat, a worthy person. He had given up all his possessions, his family and his friends. He had studied Tripikita night and day and had strove to follow the Noble Eightfold Path, but it was not enough. He had not reached the inner peace, the perfection, the Nirvana necessary to finally become a lama. Then the toothache came. It would not stop no matter how much he tried to meditate. Yoga failed. He had to visit the dentist who found caries extending down to the root. He would need a root canal operation. He readily agreed. Anything to stop the pain. The dentist offered Novacaine or Nitrous Oxide. He refused. He had the entire root canal done without any type of anesthesia. And when the operation was finished he knew that he had reached his goal in life. He was finally able to ... transcend dental medication. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 19:13:00 -0700 From: "Keith E. Sullivan" Subject: At the Vets AT THE VETS One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?" Viviane Huestis ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 23:45:03 EDT From: Sandy Sibert Subject: THE MOURNFUL MAN A friend reminded me about the time he was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again. Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Aug 1998 to 24 Aug 1998 ************************************************