There are 11 messages totalling 501 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Pun: Menopause 2. Dilbert s Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business 3. Spoiled child and mother...(true story, language) 4. maybe offensive to computer geeks (sexual innuendo)! 5. what lucky charms marshmallows mean in the bedroom - adult langua ge 6. College Finals--true story 7. Say What You Mean 8. FW: calvin and hobbes 9. Frivolous comments & questions about contemporary life 10. Adam and Eve 11. really getting screwed! (suggestive) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 7 May 1998 23:34:54 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Pun: Menopause A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, ... you're just going through your change!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 07:20:03 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Dilbert s Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work Power = ----Time Since, as everyone knows (postulated above) , Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have: Work Knowledge = ----- Money Solving for Money, we get: Work Money = --------- Knowledge Q.E.D.! Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the amount of Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make. Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 06:53:58 -0500 From: Jennifer Walker Subject: Spoiled child and mother...(true story, language) Thanks to JD STONE'S entry yesterday, I remembered this event when I read his clean version of a similar experience... this is a TRUE recount of my experience at a grocery store... My mother and I were shopping together at the local grocery store, and from the moment we entered, we were stuck behind this woman with her son. I say stuck because the boy was a brat, and the mother had absolutely NO discipline system. Since I am a teacher, I abhor being around this sort of situation, but I find that I can muster up the courage to say something to the parent once I have had enough. As luck would have it, just when we thought that we were away from them, we would go to the next aisle and again have to put up with them there. As we went through the store, this boy would grab items and throw them into the cart without permission. Anything he liked, in it would go. He was about 3 or 4, and the mother had such a horrible time keeping him under control. As we got to the cereal aisle, he grabbed a box of cereal, threw it into the cart, and the mother took it back out saying "you just wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!" The boy was terrible. We went on to the candy aisle, and again, here's this mother and son, and he's throwing candy into the cart. Again, the mother says "you just wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!" I had had enough. I told my mother that it was time to go. She agreed. We went to the checkout line, and guess who shows up right behind us? You guessed it--this mother and son arrive. She looks as if she has been through World War III, and the boy begins to pick up candy from the display and throw it into the cart. Again, the mother says "you just wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!" Immediately the boy shouts, "If you tell my Daddy, I'm gonna tell grandma that you put Daddy's peepee in your mouth!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 08:51:37 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: maybe offensive to computer geeks (sexual innuendo)! >From the BLAGUES-L (a bilingual joke list) Two programming students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!!" "Good choice," said the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway." k ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 14:01:41 -0400 From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: what lucky charms marshmallows mean in the bedroom - adult langua ge i haven't seen this one recently... an oldie but a goodie. and it works! [well, it did for me, anyway. :)] Don't cheat! Before you read on . . .choose your favorite marshmallow from Lucky Charms from the list below . . . Pink hearts Yellow moons Orange stars Green clovers Blue diamonds Purple horseshoes Those icky oat bits Ok. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it! - Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true-just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up. BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love. ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love. PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor. PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding.. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes-she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next? YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box. Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 12:14:58 -0600 From: Noelle Umback Subject: College Finals--true story If anyone out there thinks teaching is easy.... I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! Wednesday at 2:30 pm I was recording final grades after grading my Chemistry 120 exam which was given Monday at 2:00 pm. I got a phone call from a guy who asked, "Can I take the final?" I asked Rwhat final?S RThe final in 120.S RThat was MONDAY at 2. Why are you calling now?!S RWell, I had car trouble and I had to get back to ColmanS (about 20 miles south of here.) RAnd you couldn't call me before NOW?S RWell, I got back late.S RWhy didn't you call yesterday?S RI was in court all day.S (He probably only got one phone call on Monday and he didn't want to use it on me. I have a feeling that the car trouble was more than mechanical.) Looking up his grades I find that he has only passed (with a very low D) one test/quiz all semester. I told him that the only way I'd let him take it was right NOW. RNo, I'm suppose to be in another final now. So, you don't think it is worth my while to take it?S RNo, I don't think you'll get the 150+ points (out of 200) that you'll need to get a D in the class.S ROk. I had to ask.S So, HE SHOWS UP IN 45 MIN!!! RSo, can I take the final?S RNO!!! I'VE HAD IT POSTED FOR OVER AN HOUR!!!!S RYou mean this stuff is the final?S (Pointing to 20+ pieces of paper labeled KEY TO FINAL all over my wall.) RIf you can't figure that out, I'm sure you can't get the points you need on the final. I'm sorry but NO.S He also went on to tell me about 300 acres of corn he has to get in.... I'm going to go borrow some high blood pressure meds. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 14:41:49 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Say What You Mean Say What You Mean I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" Bill Stebbins Live well, Laugh often, Love much... http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 13:25:10 +0200 From: Soni Satish * Datavia Subject: FW: calvin and hobbes > For those Calvin and Hobbes fans out there. > > Calvin's (c) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanations. > > C: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad? > D: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it > breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. > > C: Why does the sun set? > D: It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of > the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools > down and > sets. > > C: Why does it go from east to west? > D: Solar wind. > > C: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? > D: That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. > > C: Where does the sun go when it sets? > D: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near > Flagstaff. > > C: Oh. > D: That's why the rocks there are so red. > C: Don't the people get burned up? > D: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at > night. > > C: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? > D: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just > about the same size. > > C: I thought I read that the sun was really big. > D: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. > > C: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona > each night? > D: Well, time for bed. > > C: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? > Didn't they have color film back then? > D: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. > It's just the WORLD was black and white then. > > C: Really? > D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, > and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. > > C: That's really weird. > D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction. > > C: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was > black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? > D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. > > C: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? > Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? > D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the > '30s. > > C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? > D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, > remember? > > C: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't > understand why time goes slower at greater speed. > D: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to > California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? > So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because > it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of > relativity > only works if you're going west. > > > ___________________________ > Satish Soni > E-mail : SatishSo@transnet.co.za > "Fighting for peace is like *$#@ing for virginity" > ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 15:54:58 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Frivolous comments & questions about contemporary life Now that I'm retired and don't have the weekend to look forward to, some of the thrill has gone out of life. Now we know the truth about Clinton. He had access to Viagra before the FDA released it. We smokers throw our cigarette butts on the ground because moron nonsmokers fillup our ashtrays with trash, and we don't want to start a fire. Do tobacco companies have no-smoking areas? What do you do if you work in a fast-food restaurant and a naked couple pays for their order at the drive-through window? Dear Jane (Fonda): Me and my seven starving children are sitting here in our tar paper shack in North Georgia. We are hungry, but we are happy because we are watching wrestling on cable TV. To the person wondering how many white people were considered for the airport manager position (Hartsfield, Atlanta): Now you know how we black people feel and how we have to live each and every day. When a tornado downs trees, it's called devastation. When a developer does it, it's called necessary. Heard on an Alive News Flash: "This woman's lifeless body was found on the side of the road. Do you have the missing pieces?" I don't care how "Seinfeld" ends, I didn't like "Titanic," and I don't have an answering machine or call waiting! Source: recent issue's of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's the Vent. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 03:51:45 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Adam and Eve * God made Adam & He rested. Then he made Eve. Since then -- No one's rested ! - - - - - * Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married. - - - - - * A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he was doing. He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife." - - - - - * Speaking of ribs (I was). Guys, the next time your wife bests you in an argument. Look at her evenly & calmly say, "Ya know... sometimes I think I'd rather have my rib back. - - - - - * God was wise in making Adam first. Had He made Eve first, He'd still be "fixing things" Eve wanted changed in man. - - - - - * Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground. - - - - - * Just think. When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear -- She meant it ! - - - - - * Could it be that God's not perfect after all ? The Jury's still out on whether Eve was God's second mistake. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= JimJr's Classy Classic Collectible Jokes Page and last month's UGA Humor Digests [zip format]: http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") JimJr's Daily Posts to the UGA HumorList and complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998: http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 8 May 1998 20:10:09 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: really getting screwed! (suggestive) [Thanks to Katie Andrews] Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!" Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1998 to 9 May 1998 **********************************************