There are 9 messages totalling 538 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. JimJr's Musings 2. Chicken Quotes: Monte Python 3. re-run (4y) Top 10 reasons to smile 4. Dear Paul from Susie (satirical Am political humor) 5. Corporate Structure 6. In the Eye of the Beholder 7. Clinton's Diary entry part 1 8. Blonde's first flight 9. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 02:56:15 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: JimJr's Musings Final Report: During the month of April, we obtained 371 new subscribers. A special thanks to all who helped in this effort. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * Since retirement, I've considered becoming a sex fiend... Now that I'm 55 however, I can't pass the physical * Fellows, it's often easier to just give in to your wife... I mean, what's your word against thousands of hers * The next time, words pass between you and your wife... Make sure she's not about to throw a book at ya * Priests should really be allowed to marry... Until then, they'll never know what hell is really like * The Yuppies in Columbia just don't get Catholicism... Most take their lawyers to confession * They should call the Clinton WhiteHouse the "New Left"... I mean, they're so far from being right about anything * I once went to a "conscience raising" session... Damn near got a double hernia * No one ever had to tell me not to drink and drive... I mean, I sure don't wantta spill any * Next time you see someone "acting stupid"... Consider the possibility it might be the real thing * God is amazing. Ancient man had no idea we'd need glasses... And yet look where God put our ears for when we had to * When you dine out and all the waiters are wearing gloves... Ever wonder what's in the food that they're afraid of * They say it's better to give than to receive... Maybe -- depends mostly on the gift I would think =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 23:19:32 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Chicken Quotes: Monte Python WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? 25. Monty Python and The Holy Grail King Arthur: What do you mean? The European or the African variety?? Bedevere: To prove that it was lighter than a duck. Black Beast of Aaaaurghh: Aaaarghh!!! Bridgekeeper: What is its favourite colour? Dennis: To elect a better government. Dingo: Naughty Naughty chicken! It deserves a spanking. Knight of Ecky-ecky: To get us a ..... shrubbery . Herbert's Father: It's ~not~ to cross the road, understand? Galahad: It was sworn to chastity.... but I think I can stay a bit.. God: To find the Grail! The Guards: So... even if you come can get it, we're not to cross the road... Prince Herbert: It didn't want to cross the road, it wanted to....sing.. Historian: Ahhhh!!! The Black Knight: None shall pass! Lancelot: To perform a dashing and heroic rescue! Brother Maynard: You would too if you saw me holding the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch . Knights of Ni: Because we threatened to say `Ni!' to it! Robin: Whatever the reason, it was definitely not running away! Minstrel: The chicken ran away, the chicken ran away.. Tim the Enchanter: It had such big, nasty, pointy teeth!!! Villagers: Burn it! Zoot: Because we are eight score blonds and brunettes and we ~are~ so lonely... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 13:59:42 +0200 From: Alar ''The Joker'' Subject: re-run (4y) Top 10 reasons to smile Originally Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 12:51:09 EDT From: Jack Beckwith TOP 10 REASONS TO SMILE 10. Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 9. Really rich people are much more likely to drown in yacht accidents. 8. Mechanics' cars break down too. 7. If your first grade teacher was real mean and real old, she's probably dead now. (ed. comment: That's for those of us close to turning 50-actually I liked my 1st grade teacher, but she is dead so I can't smile) 6. Thin people are not really happy. 5. Cheesecake! Cheesecake! Cheesecake! 4. Everyone you work with is naked at least once a day. 3. Contract disputes with Squiggy make a Laverne and Shirley reunion almost impossible. (ed. comment: That's another one for us older folks) 2. Choose favorites from #4 1. You have a friend who was thoughtful, generous , and concerned enough to send you this card. ------------------------------------------------------------------ | Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994 | | Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/ | | Random joke from "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/random.pl | ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 12:53:02 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Dear Paul from Susie (satirical Am political humor) (Fan mail to Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed by Congressman Dan Burton based a tip provided by Kenneth Starr for the purposes of destroying their political enemies) My dear cute little Paula, Perhaps it would be better if you not call me anymore. Please call my secretary if you need to talk to me. Be prepared to state specifically what you need and tell us why it is so important. I probably will not have time to call you back. I am now the spokeswoman for a group of Christian women who want to repeat child molesters chemically castrated. We are winner and losers aren't welcomed. I simply don't see what I can do for you anymore. In the unlikely event that the appeals court overturns the judge's decision to throw your sexual harassment lawsuit out of court, I will not be available to help me. You are a loser. Paula, I wish you had not shown me your diary. I cannot believe that you have exposed the Rutherford Institution and me to potential ridicule should your diary be subpoenaed. I urge you to destroy it. Should those Moonies at the Washington Times discovered the real reason Bill Clinton invited you to meet with him privately, their editorial board probably would endorse President Clinton for a third term. The idea that he encouraged you to stop living in sin and marry your live-in boyfriend is cockeyed. I hope you don't think anyone will believe that it was you who started doing a stripteased while shouting filthy words. You will be committed if you confirm that Bill Clinton immediately demanded that you leave and as you left he said he would pray for you. Who is paying you off. Please turn in your leased Mercedes-Benz. I'd promised you that you could have any of the balance from the deposit. Well, I don't think you'll get any. In fact you may be charged extra. I strongly recommend that you have your husband's beer can collection removed from the boot. Steam-cleaning might help with the tobacco and baby-poop stains. And please tell your husband not to replace the CD system with a $39.95 system. The dealer will notice. Also, please carefully remove the "Elvis Lives in My Heart" sticker from the dashboard. I have received notice that your apartment lease will not be renewed. The deposit has already been forfeited. The management will not sue us, if you will leave by May 15. There are double-wide pre-manufactured homes available on scenic lots overlooking the a beautiful water treatment plant. The owner of the property has donated to your support in the past and has some interest in meeting you. Your rented evening gown was trash when you returned it. The designer was concerned as to whether you were raped. Your husband's evening clothes were never returned. We were forced to forfeit the deposit. Insight magazine has declined to publish your interview. They were curious whether you had ever attended eight grade. Since they will not be publishing the interview, they refuse to pay the $5,000 honorarium. Your family's membership to the country and boating club has been declined. They returned the Institute's $25,000 check. They will use the money now to support a lawsuit to fire an agnostic first grade teacher who read a story about the Dove of Peace. Please don't call Maurice for another appointment. He read what your husband said about gay hair artists. He said you can keep the panties he loaned you. Is it true that Vernon Jordan has been in contact with your husband offering to help him find new work. Don't believe him, Opryland will never hire him and Kenneth Starr we will destroy you if he takes the job. Your friend, Susie Carpenter-McMillan ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 13:17:05 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Corporate Structure CORPORATE STRUCTURE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Discusses policy with God PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals MANAGER: Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can't stay afloat with a life preserver Talks to walls TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building Says "look at the choo-choo" Wets him/herself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to him/herself SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth Freezes water with a single glance Is the closest being to God ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 11:22:27 -0700 From: Reza Banikazemi Subject: In the Eye of the Beholder Morality Is in the (CBS) Eye of the Beholder ************************************************ Reprinted from the Las Angeles Downtown News ************************************************ By Tomm Looney Suddenly the country's two top-rated radio hosts-Howard Stern (KLSX 97.1 FM) and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (KFI 640 AM)-are at war. The reason? Reportedly, while negotiating a deal with CBS television, Dr. Laura recently took what she calls "a moral stand" and notified CBS that she didn't want to do business with the same network that pays Stern. (The L.A. Downtown News first reported the national story that Stern will host a late Saturday night show in cooperation with CBS.) But when you think of moral leaders, do you think of Dr. Laura or Howard Stern? Whom would you rather have as your boss, parent, co-worker or friend? A few Looney thoughts. Howard Stern has been married to his one and only wife Alison for over 20 years. Dr. Laura browbeats anybody who gets married too young and then divorces... although, according to several published profiles, that is exactly what she did! Howard has three children from his one and only wife Alison. Dr. Laura has one son from her second husband, former USC professor Lew Bishop, 64. Bishop has his own offspring from a previous marriage... another Dr. Laura no-no. Howard Stern's loyalty is undying. His core radio staff remains virtually unchanged after 15 years. During this time, he could have brought in the hottest producer from radio or television to transform his show, yet he stays with a former intern, Gary "Baba Booey" Dell'Abate. He's also remained loyal to Fred Norris, Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling and, of course, co-host Robin Quivers since the early '80s. If you listen to Dr. Laura, pay attention to who the engineer is. These days it's Dan. Is used to be Larry. (If you wait long enough, it'll be Curly or Moe!) Also, she started out at KABC where she learned the ropes, then abruptly left for cross-town rival KFI! Even though Howard Stern plays actual tapes of his father screaming, "Shut up, sit down!" and blames his mother for his hemorrhoids and for not teaching him how to wipe properly, he actually adores his parents. He dedicated his best-selling book Private Parts to them, and features them as guests on his show habitually. He also has a sister whom he cherishes. Dr.Laura hasn't spoken to her mother Yolanda Schlessinger, or her sister Cindy Harris, in years. (Harris, like Dr. Laura, is also a marriage and family counselor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist.) She also had a tumultuous relationship with her father Monte Schlessinger before he passed away. Howard Stern, his wife and three daughters live near their grandparents, Ben and Ray Stern, and have a very close relationship with them. Dr. Laura's son Derek has never met his Grandma Yolanda. Howard Stern spends his weekends watching COPS and jokes to his wife that "any one of these losers getting arrested on COPS is most likely one of my callers or listeners." Dr. Laura could easily be one of her own callers. ............................................................................ ............................. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 00:50:40 -0600 From: Brandon P Ruckdashel Subject: Clinton's Diary entry part 1 My good friend Billy boy is sick of Paula's fan mail and wants you to see his point of view. Dear Diary, My life blows, how can a guy have any fun if he's got the Secret service looking over his shoulder in all that he does. They're every where there in the dining hall, the family room, the pool, my bedroom, and even in my bed. Thank the lord Chelsea's in that wonderful College. They're so nice to her they're, unlike me, she hasn't gotten in trouble for screwing the college staff. I hope that that hunk of steal Bubba (that's what she calls him) hasn't found out about that other teacher in her life. Monica, that evil intern, can't keep her trap shut. Even when she worked for me she always had something in her mouth. I should never have let her and Paula BLOW my career away. I have no idea what I ever saw in that Paula except for her big NOSE, I always did like the sound of her BLOWING with her nose. Tootaloo until I write again, BENT BILLY (Semen first class) Brandon: I'd love to have feed back on this article Write me at BPRuck@juno.com (Please keep it short) _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 19:20:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Blonde's first flight From: "Judy Lococo" First time on a Boeing A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'. She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'. There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 May 1998 23:06:33 -0400 From: "Dexter E. Gulledge" Subject: Questions and Answers for the Med Student's Quiz Anti-Body.....................Against Everyone Artery........................The Study Of Fine Painting Barium........................What You Do When CPR Fails Benign........................What You Are After You Be Eight Bowel.........................What You Do After A Good Performance Cardiac Arrest................To Be Taken Into Custody,For-Stealing A Coupe Deville Cardiology....................Advanced Study Of Poker Playing Charlie Horse.................A 10 To 1 Long Shot In The Kentucky Derby Cesarean Section..............A District In Rome Coma..........................A Punctuation Mark Colic.........................A Sheep Dog Congenital....................Friendly Dilate........................To Live Longer Fester........................Quicker Genes.........................What Your Wear When You Cut The Grass G. I. Series..................Baseball Games Between Teams Of Soldiers Hangnail......................A Coat Hook Hemorrhoid....................A Male Alien From Outer Space Herpes........................What The Little Woman Does When We Stop At A Rest Area Hormones......................What A Prostitute Does When She Doesn't Get Paid Medical Staff.................A Doctors Cane Minor Operation...............Coal Digging Morbid........................A Higher Offer Nitrate Lower.................Than The Day Rate Node..........................Was Aware Of Organic.......................Organ Repairman Outpatient....................A Person Who Has Fainted Paralyze......................Two Far-Fetched Stories Post-Operative................A Letter Carrier Protein.......................In Favor Qf Young People Rectum........................What Our Neighbor Has Done With All The Vehicles He Ever Owned Scalpel.......................What You Stand On To Clean Windows In Hi-Rise Apartments Secretion.....................Hiding Anything Serology......................Study Of English Knighthood Tablet........................A Small Table Tumor.........................An Extra Pair Urine.........................Opposite Of You're Out Varicose Veins................Veins Which Are Very Close Together ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1998 to 3 May 1998 **********************************************