There are 5 messages totalling 205 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Puns: The Party Invitation and The Surfer 2. Golf 3. Contemporary Aphorisms 4. Winning the lottery (offensive to men) 5. Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 23:25:06 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Puns: The Party Invitation and The Surfer My best friend recently was divorced by her husband of twenty years. He had been having an affair with his secretary. She had become pregnant and he wanted to marry her. My friend was very depressed and refused to go out into the world to try to meet someone new. When she received a formal engraved invitation from Janet and Samuel Rosen to attend their gala fiftieth wedding anniversary party, I had to almost force her to go. Finally she agreed after I told her that at a ... "Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger." (By Stan Kegel) My teen-aged son, Robbie had long bored every one of his acquaintances with long tales of his surfing prowess. It was decided at last to call his bluff. When all were at the beach, with the waves curling in perfectly, a surfboard was suddenly thrust into his hand, and he was told, "Show us, Robbie. Show us what you can do with a surfboard." Robbie did not hesitate. He took the board, marched toward the water line, but then stopped ten feet short of the highest reach of the waves. Holding his surfboard vertically beside him, he stood as though graven in stone. His companions finally lost their patience. "Come on Robbie," they yelled, "get into the water." "I don't have to," he yelled back. "Why not?" And, Robbie shouted, "Because ... they also surf who only stand and wait." (By Isaac Asimov) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 04:02:39 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Golf * Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a lot more exercise. They both took up golf and became partners. On their first time out, the one man said to the other, "I don't have the energy to play too long today." The second shook his head in agreement and said, "OK, We'll quit as soon as either of us makes a hole in one." - - - - - * One little girl was bragging about her Father: "He must be one of the best golfers ever. He gets to hit the ball more than any of the other men." - - - - - * The duffer swung saying, "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break a hundred and twenty." His companion watching the ball said, "Better work on Heaven. You've moved enough earth already." - - - - - * The golf pro walked over to a trio of ladies sitting in the clubhouse and asked, "Would any of you like to learn to play good golf ?" One woman said, "Maybe my friends would. I learned yesterday." - - - - - * Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot." The first player looked at him and replied, "I don't have any old balls." =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe, Send an e-mail to: listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 07:17:45 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Contemporary Aphorisms Here's a little info that should be right down your modem: 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.. 5. Great groups from little icons grow.. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.. 10. The modem is the message.. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.. 13. A chat has nine lives.. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.. 15. FAX is stranger than fiction.. 16. What boots up must come down.. 17. Windows will never cease.. 18. In Gates we trust.. 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.. 20. Modulation in all things.. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect.. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice... 25. Speed thrills.. And, finally... 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Web and he won't bother you for weeks. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 14:00:42 -0700 From: "Roger E. Taranto" Subject: Winning the lottery (offensive to men) A woman comes running into her house and shouts to her husband, "Honey! Pack your bags! I've won the lottery!" He replies, "Great! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" "I don't care -- as long as you're out of here in an hour." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1998 18:27:28 -0700 From: Reza Banikazemi Subject: Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support Top 12 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support 12 "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 11 "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." 10 "So -- what are you wearing?" 9 "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 8 "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." 7 "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 6 "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." 5 "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 4 "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 3 "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 2 "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... 1 "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Apr 1998 to 14 Apr 1998 ************************************************