There are 14 messages totalling 809 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. With Justice for All 2. Jokes Clean: Spoonerisms 3. Dedicated to Women (off. to men) 4. Humor - Weird Business News (Part 2 of 3) 5. Learn the school's Alma Mater 6. Redneck Valentine 7. Uh oh... (AKA I've had days like this) (Bathroom humor) 8. A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients 9. Tarzan Sexually Explicit language 10. Top5 - 2/10/98 - Olympic Opening Ceremonies Surprises 11. The Anti-chain Letter 12. Holy Scandal (off. to hyper-sensitive Christians) 13. Where are you from (all time favorite) 14. Rubber Squabble ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 02:57:44 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: With Justice for All * Well, y'all can't say I didn't warn ya about those Columbia Maryland Yuppettes. Now, Mz. Linda Tripp (aka "wired lady") really put the place on the map with her Monica tapes. It's not fair though to think the Howard County Judicial system is soft just because they're not prosecuting her yet. Why just last week a Judge here sentenced a 78 year old man to twenty years in prison. The fellow stood up and wailed, "Twenty years ??? Your honor I'm a sick man. I'll never do twenty years, I'll be dead way before then. How about a little mercy ?" The Judge replied, "Well... do the best you can." At that, he rapped his gavel on the bench, got up, and left. - - - - - * A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up." - - - - - * I really liked Ken Starr's TV appearance the other day. He jumped up and down, tore off his coat & threw it to the ground, waved his arms, pounded the podium with both fists, and stomped his feet, for a full minute, all without saying a single word. Then he said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, now that I have fully and completely answered the arguments of both the Clintons and their learned counsels, I'll discuss the facts of this case with you." - - - - - * The Yuppie was on the stand for cheating thousands of people out of their savings with an elaborate bond scheme. The District Attorney asked him how many people he had cheated, and the defendant replied, "None." Surprised at the answer, the DA said, "Do you know the penalty for perjury sir ?" "As a matter of fact, yes I do. And it's far more amicable than the ones I'm currently facing." said the Yuppie smiling. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET") (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 00:41:29 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Jokes Clean: Spoonerisms The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time. In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away. They believed that: "PEAS WOULD RULE THE PLANETS, AND LOVE WOULD CLEAR THE BARS. IT WAS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF ASPARAGUS". A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 A. M. but was caught by the Chief Petty Officier. Upon hearing the sailor's lame excuse for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you! The sailor picked up the broom, As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the gull off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. It left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted gull returned. When morning came, the chief petty officer returned to check his wayward sailor's progress.. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I TOSSED A TERN ALL NIGHT AND COULDN'T SWEEP A LINK!" This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager goes, "I'M SORRY, BUT BAGGERS CAN'T BE JUICERS." The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts. He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date. Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 07:43:53 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Dedicated to Women (off. to men) Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, men will screw anything. Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner. Q: What is a man's idea of foreplay? A: A half hour of begging. Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? A: He's breathing. Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds? A: Bonds mature. Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common? A; They are both empty from the neck up. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: Who knows, it's never happened. Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Q: What is a man's idea of helping with housework? A: Lifting a leg while you vacuum. Q: What's the difference between men and E.T.? A: E.T. phones home. Q: What do you call a man with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What are the reasons men don't mind their own business? A: No mind, no business. Q: What is gross stupidity? A: 144 men in one room. Q: What do men think Rowe vs. Wade is? A: Two ways to cross a river. Q: How do men sort laundry? A: Dirty, and dirty but wearable. Q: How stupid are men about money? A: Only a man would buy a $500 car and a $4000 stereo. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 09:01:43 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Weird Business News (Part 2 of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle's Business Columnist, Jim Barlow: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs of silliness A popular recurring item in the Weird Biz column is Fractured English, strange signs found in foreign climes. Now reader Helmut Behrend of Houston sends us some Unfractured English -- signs he's collected over the years in this country that don't quite make the point intended. Some samples: * At a gas station -- "We will not sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." * A hospital maternity ward -- "No children allowed." * A loan company -- "Ask about our plans for owning your home." * On a shopping mall marquee -- "Archery Tournament. Ears pierced." * A restaurant -- "Open seven days a week and weekends." * In a New England church -- "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished" The Best Directions Award to South Texas Wood Connection. It's a supplier for the world's most expensive firewood -- you know the few sticks you buy at a convenience store or supermarket when the need to stoke up your fireplace overcomes your common sense. On its bundle of mixed hardwood and oak, the company advises, "Use and prepare natural firewood as you would use ordinary firewood." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 10:56:35 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Learn the school's Alma Mater The Alma Mater: Oral History as told to Jim Mica It is my privilege to call two elementary school teachers friends. These two women have spent years in the trenches, toe to toe with the younger generation, passing along aaWestern Civilization and urging their charges to improve upon it. They have many tales to tell of the ongoing battle. Bev S. (let's give her some privacy, shall we) recently told me this story about the Newfield Otters and their Alma Mater. Newfield is a typical Upstate New York burg located a half dozen miles south of the metropolis of Ithaca. Once upon a time their school nickname was a politically infelicitous term for the autochthonous people of the area. I shant even repeat it here. This became unacceptable. So the Word came from on high that a change was to be initiated. A full-blown campaign was instituted. School Spirit was to be enhanced and Newfield was to become the proud home of the Otters. All teachers were told to work this reformation into their lesson plans. Banners were created. An official logo cum t-shirt was inaugurated: "We Otter be proud of Newfield". A stuffed otter was brought to the elementary school and ended up on display in a corner of the school's Music Room. To cap things off, the head of the School District decreed that all students should learn the school's Alma Mater. Now Bev S. and the other music teachers cringed at this last point because the Alma Mater is, shall we say, somewhat inferior. The melody was borrowed from Cornell University's famous song. But, instead of beginning with "High above Cayuga's Waters" the Newfield Alma Mater begins "Far below the tall green mountains." Oxymoronically, it goes down hill from there. Bev S dutifully prepared to teach the Alma Mater to her charges. She carefully laid out her lesson plan, put in some history, formed behavioral objectives and set up her time line for the project. On the day that all of this was to start she settled her charges into their seats in the Music Room. She began with the theoretical overview. 'Just as countries have special songs, schools have special songs too. Our country's special song is our National Anthem, you all know it. We sing it in assembly and at the beginning of sacred public ceremonies like baseball games'. The young scholars absorbed this well, so she pressed on. 'Now, our school has a special song too. Our school's special song is called it's Alma Mater. Do any of you know Newfield's Alma Mater?' There was a brief uncomfortable silence, but then one eager scholar raised his hand. 'Yes, Mrs. S., I know Newfield's Alma Mater, it's sitting right over there!' Saying this he proudly gestured toward the stuffed otter in the corner. Among the faculty the otter is now known as Alma. Feb 1998 ***************************************************************** Readers are free to circulate the above as long as the header is intact. Any deviation from the source's exact words results from the warped mind of the reporter. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 12:04:00 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Redneck Valentine From: Susan Jennings Redneck Ode to Valentine's Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74. Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 13:27:13 -0500 From: rlb Subject: Uh oh... (AKA I've had days like this) (Bathroom humor) This story is from Spike Milligan who has been telling it for many years. Cross my heart this happened to this who guy lives in Westchester, NY, and goes to School at Ithaca College. For two years he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh crap,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do befure his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too." she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. he gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... ...just the sweater. --- Bob Bragner, with more roadkill off the Information Superhighway ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 19:54:00 GMT0 From: "Mr. John" Subject: A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients One from my medical files...... A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. *********************************************************************** squiffy :) Go visit Squiffy's House of Fun - over 1.25 million people can't be wrong! Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 15:24:34 -0500 From: Bob Nordvall Subject: Tarzan Sexually Explicit language Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job. Interviewer: Name? Tarzan: Me Tarzan Interviewer: Married? Tarzan: Wife Jane Interviewer: Children? Tarzan: Son boy Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? Tarzan: Tarzen, King of the Jungle Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy Box 399 Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, PA 17325 717/337-6586 (voice) 717/337-6906 (FAX) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 17:12:51 -0500 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 2/10/98 - Olympic Opening Ceremonies Surprises February 10, 1998 The Top 15 Surprises In The Olympic Opening Ceremonies 15> The Nike Factory Children's Marching Band from Suriname almost make it all the way through the parade before collapsing from exhaustion and malnutrition. 14> Switzerland installed as prohibitive favorite in the "Shushing" competition. 13> Unexpected gust of wind reveals that them sumo wrestlers ain't exactly big all over. 12> Not only is Microsoft now officially a country, Bill Gates is competing in the Ballroom Dance competition. 11> Japanese stock market collapses, crushing 14 athletes. 10> "Special Guest" Godzilla melts Olympic torch in cheap plug for upcoming movie. 9> After brief kidnap scare, diminutive skater Tara Lipinski is located, relatively unharmed, wedged in the crack of a Sumo wrestler's ass. 8> Impossible to hear anything over the deafening beeps of thousands of Tamogotchis. 7> Saki-addled Japanese announcers pass out trying to say "Gillooly." 6> Former East German women's speed skaters sporting sleek new "beardless" look. 5> Sumo champ Akebono's moving tribute to his late brother, Sonny. 4> Everyone frantically ducks for cover during fly-over by US Marine Corps pilots. 3> Hundreds die in explosion when Oksana Baiul burps near the Olympic flame. 2> Olympic torch ignited by butt flare as Emperor bows to crowd. and the Number 1 Surprise In The Olympic Opening Ceremonies... 1> "Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the Top 5 List Dancers!" [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 16:14:02 -0600 From: "Grant C. Anderson" Subject: The Anti-chain Letter Now that we've all seen the four basic types of chain letters (incidentally, I was not the author of that post--it was forwarded to me without any attribution) I'd like to pass on the following. If any of you out there are like me and hate receiving chain mails, here is a nice little flame to send in return: Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her or use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid forwards. Maybe the evil chainletter leprechauns will come into my dorm room and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. Thank you, and feel free to delete this email without sending it on to others (unless they have it coming). Al Merkin //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Grant Anderson--Northwestern University Computer Engineering '98 "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." ---"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 10:07:34 -0000 From: Stephen McCabe Subject: Holy Scandal (off. to hyper-sensitive Christians) A late-breaking story: > Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God > had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal began when > a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given > birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of > Bethlehem. > > Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long > time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with > God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press > conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that > "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story > will come out in time, verily". > > Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief > with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover > questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and > whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his > illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only > as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several > angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. > Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do > with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to > investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order > to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. > > In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been > expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts > that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well > as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah > was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the > giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish > special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. > > If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge > blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for > stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. > Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of > a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress > in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that > it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and > lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" > Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.A late-breaking story: Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 17:34:18 -0500 From: "James R. Muller" Subject: Where are you from (all time favorite) WHERE ARE YOU FROM...... A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the little man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' So I stabbed him." ****************************************************************** If you are not subscribed to my hunor list and would like to send an E-mail to with the Single word in the subject or first line of the body "Subscribe" or Sub" ****************************************************************** _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 10:36:29 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Rubber Squabble A man, his wife and seven children where waiting in a bus stop. After some time a blind mad joins them.The bus arrives.The blind man and the husband find themselves walking because of the crowded bus. The blind man starts tapping his stick on the road which seems to annoy our husband over here., Who shouts at the blind man: "Can't you Put a rubber to the end of the stick to avoid that irritating noise.." To this the blind man retorts "If you would have put a rubber to the end of your stick we both would have been in the bus". Chalapathi And More Of His Four Line Signatures! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1998 to 11 Feb 1998 ************************************************