There are 8 messages totalling 321 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Kindergarten kiddies 2. Moore Yuppies 3. Alms 4. Computin' Down The Highway (Non-offensive) 5. Humor - Photo Essay 6. A few from ventings 7. For Parents With Kids (May bore others :-) 8. Joke clean but insensitive: Seseme Street Bus: Maybe objectionable to parents ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:03:46 +0200 From: Soni Satish Datavia Subject: Kindergarten kiddies (Another 1% who left this list are Indians out of India 'coz we just can't get Chalapathi's joke's either!) The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 03:54:58 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore Yuppies * Color me dense, because it never occurred to me that people in other parts of the world may not know what a Yuppie/Yuppette is. Well, let's put it this way, if Yuppyism were a religion, all of the congregation would be fanatics. It would be a New Age spiritualism sect with shallow mysticism cloaking reptilian morals, vicious corruption, naked ambition and ruthless greed. They would only have two short commandments: 1) Acquire 2) Do others - - - - - * Lil' Bobby's Mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention and when she returned to her Columbia Maryland home, she was anxious to hear about his week. "Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept together." her son said. "Bobby !" said the boy's French Au Pair, "Don't you mean 'Daddy and I ?'" "No !" replied Bobby. "That was Thursday, I'm talking about Monday night." - - - - - * Charles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde on a walking tour of Columbia. Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her. "Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars." A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl and asked if Charles happened to know her also. "Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars." After the process was repeated twice more, Clyde remarked, "Good Heavens ! Aren't there any respectable women in Columbia ?" "Of course !" replied Charles, highly offended. "But you couldn't afford them either." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 12:31:22 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Alms My cousin Sandro sent me this: An Italian politician asked an influential Cardinal, " What can the government do to help the Church?" The Cardinal replied, "Quit printing one thousand lira bills!" Note: 1,000 lira = US $ 0.60 Errata corrige: In Italy, it is not the government that helps the Church. If anything, it is the other way round. Happy New Year to you all. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:30:41 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Computin' Down The Highway (Non-offensive) COMPUTIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY Intel will soon be offering a new voice-activated in-car computer that will read e-mail out loud to the driver and automatically call 911 if there's a collision; the system will offer the same functions as a desktop, plus connection to the Internet and a wireless keyboard for passengers. A manager for the Connected Car program explains: "The idea is that you're keeping your passengers connected with information systems." Intel is in talks with major manufacturers to have the computers included in cars by 2000. (San Jose Mercury News 29 Dec 97) I assume we've finally reached the point where a "system CRASH" becomes really meaningful! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 09:48:51 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Photo Essay Police and photo play. A speeding motorist caught by a roadside camera in England tried to play a little joke when British police sent a penalty notice. The notice included a photograph of the car, the date and the speed, and demanded payment of a $65 fine. The motorist sent a photograph of a check, Superintendent Deryck Farmer said in a holiday message to a newspaper in Crewe in northwest England. Police sent back a photograph of a pair of handcuffs. The motorist, who was not identified, got the message: He mailed a check. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Source: Houston Chronicle ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 13:22:08 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: A few from ventings The following silly observations and rude questions were selected from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/ which is produced by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution When I was a little girl my Christmas Eve prayer was: "Dear God, please don't let Santa Claus know that I know he is not real." What happens if you are at the wrong place at the right time? Is there some law that says that every dance company has to do "The Nutcracker" at Christmas? We all chipped in and got the boss a paper shredder for Christmas. Top of the line. The autographed, personalized, Hillary Clinton model. Do I have to drink five glasses of water before going to a liquidation sale? I told my girlfriend I've got money to burn and she said, "Well, I've got the matches." In an effor to settle the situation in the Middle East, the U.S. is sending 10,000 troops, the French 2,500 Legionnaires, and England 250 au pairs. Peace on earth, goodwill to men -- except those boneheads who cut you off in traffic. Seen on a sign at Daytona Beach: "Bathing suits half off." My wife asked me if I loved her more than basketball. I said, "College or NBA?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 20:34:38 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: For Parents With Kids (May bore others :-) This is only for those parents out there with children. Share these with them. Everyone else, skip my submission today ;-) -------------------- Here are some jokes from Rosie O'Donnells new book KIDS ARE PUNNY Knock knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel. What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A milk dud. What did Snow White say when she was waiting for her photos? Some day my prints will come. Where do you find the world's biggest spider? In the World Wide Web. How did the skunk call home? On his smellular phone. If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say? Hiss and Hearse. How do angels answer the phone? Halo? What is Beethoven doing in his grave? Decomposing. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks. I'm stuffed. ======================================== If you have a story to tell, or want to read those of people living all over this great planet, then join the hottest new storytelling list on the net. The only thing missing is you! Email to: majordomo@armchair.mb.ca ... in the BODY, type: subscribe bluedogsociete ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1997 20:34:49 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Joke clean but insensitive: Seseme Street Bus: Maybe objectionable to parents A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company. His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?" The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne." He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age..." He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus." "No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop. He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special." And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day." "No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop. He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester." And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall." The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat. And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rearview mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet. Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I QUIT!" The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?" The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job." The boss says, "What are to talking about?" And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be... TWO OBESE PATTYS, SPECIAL JOSH AND LESTER CLEESE PICKING BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Dec 1997 to 1 Jan 1998 ***********************************************