There are 7 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Joke Clean: The Vicar 2. Washington DC Politics 3. New English Words 4. Xmas Cat Humor - a day late 5. The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper 6. The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired - resumes 7. De Ebonics Crimmus Poem (Offensive to Blacks) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 25 Dec 1997 23:19:59 -0800 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Joke Clean: The Vicar Several years ago there was an Anglican minister from Korea named Kim Rhee. He had a wonderful singing voice. His strong point was that he could trill. His superiors decided to send him to Africa to convert the heathen. After his arrival, Rhee asked the townspeople why they didn't attend church. They said the local shaman told them not to go or they would suffer in ways unknown to so-called civilized people. The minister laughed and told them to come to church on Sunday and he would sing for them. That Sunday, while Rhee held the audience spellbound with his famous trill, the shaman entered the church. Rhee told the people to ignore the old man. The shaman produced a small doll, very much in appearance like the minister, and placed it, feet-first, in a pot of evil-looking, foul-smelling, boiling liquid. Immediately, the minister fell to the ground and commenced to howl. He tore off his shoes and those in attendance witnessed eruptions of small pustules and blemishes on the soles on the poor man's lower extremities. They knew that the shaman's power had won out. And, from that day forward, the townspeople committed to village lore the trill of Vicar Rhee and the acne of the feet ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 03:55:46 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Washington DC Politics * The latest weather forecast for Washington DC and vicinity is for continued fog this afternoon, increasing in density throughout the remainder of the day. Willful ignorance and defiant denials are expected by daybreak. Scattered "DUH" will probably be experienced by most areas, especially those in and around the White House. The 7 Day & 30 Day forecasts are for more of the same. - - - - - * One Congressman, well known for his travel junkets all over the world, as well as his absence during role call votes, was heard to tell a colleague: "I tell ya, it's such a relief to go back home and assure the folks that I'm not responsible for half the stuff that goes on around here." - - - - - * Faced with both overcrowding and the need for a new school, the District of Columbia School Board passed this resolution: "Be it resolved that a new building be constructed, and be it further resolved due to the increasing cost of materials, it shall be constructed of the materials now in the existing school building, and be it finally resolved that to avoid interruption of school functions, the present school building shall continue in use until the new school is ready for occupancy." - - - - - * A door in a government building in Washington is labeled: "4156 General Services Administration; Region 3; Public Buildings Service; Buildings Management Division; Utility Room; Custodial" What's behind the door ??? Why, a Broom Closet, of course. - - - - - * The DC City Council, recently stripped of just about all power still meets. At one meeting, the status of fireplugs around City owned buildings was discussed. They directed that all fireplugs adjacent to City owned buildings be tested at least three days prior to every fire. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 08:36:10 EST From: Margaret Joels Subject: New English Words The Best of the DWORD Mailing List - Part 3 1. Birthquake: A term to describe a woman's contractions during labor. 2. Conslutant: A consultant who will do anything for anybody - for a fee. 3. Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house. 4. Monophobia: The fear of not being able to listen to the radio in stereo. 5. Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week. 6. Legalink: A marriage performed without religious ceremony. 7. Ohnosecond: The infinitesimal period of time between hitting the return key and realizing you should not have. 8. Mung: The small dry or semi-dry puddle of coffee found in the bottom of neglected cups. 9. Epochodor: The smell of history found at museums. 10. Sensafunativity: That personality trait which enables optimistic persons to see the humor of any given situation. [ To subscribe to DWORD and get your daily made up English word ] [ or to submit your own creations for the world to see, send email ] [ TO: dword-owner@juno.com ] [ SUBJ: subscribe to DWORD ] [ *** A weekly digest option is also available upon request *** ] [ Posted w/ permission of the owner of the DWORD mailing list ] ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 09:53:27 EST From: Mizz Darla Subject: Xmas Cat Humor - a day late This was on the Christmas card my brother gave to me...... A CAT'S CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart - Ate his mousey intestines and chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, which made him take pause - He stopped daintilly licking the blood from his claws. "Must be Santa," thought Kitty (that quite clever cat) 'Cuz noboady else climbs down the chimney like that. Indeed it was ol' Santa so jolly and fat With a huge load of presents and all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 19:30:04 -0500 From: Alan Subject: The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper The Top 16 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper 16 www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images 15 www.pullmyfinger.com 14 www.heartbreak_psoriasis.com 13 www.chi-cubs.com/worldseries 12 www.dentistry.com/drill.wav 11 www.sony.com/products/betamax 10 www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads 9 www.nails~on~blackboard.com 8 www.kerristrugmania.com 7 www.Al-Gore-In-2000.org 6 www.oj.com/help_find_killers 5 www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops 4 www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu 3 www.marcelmarceau.com/chat 2 www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures And the Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper... 1 www.willardscott.com/showercam ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 19:58:30 -0500 From: Alan Hamby Subject: The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired - resumes The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired - resumes These are real examples from real resumes. (DON'T let this happen to YOU!) --Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: --Responsibility makes me nervous. --They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. --Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. --I was working for my mom until she decided to move. --The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: --While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. --I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: --Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. --My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. --I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant. PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: --Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. PERSONAL INTERESTS: --Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: --Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. --Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. --Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. --I'm a rabid typist. --Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 26 Dec 1997 22:43:17 -0500 From: David Burns Subject: De Ebonics Crimmus Poem (Offensive to Blacks) De Ebonics Crimmus Poem Wuz de nite befo Crimmus; And all ower da hood; ereybody wuz' sleepin'; Dey wuz sleepin' good. We hunged up our stockings; An hoped like de' heck; That old Santa Clause; Be bringin' our check. All o'de fambily; Wuz layin in de beds; While Ripple and Thunderbird; Danced through dey heads. I passed out inna' flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I heard sech a fuss; I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!" I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; 'spectin' de sheriff; Wif a warrent fo sho. And what did I see; I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now ober all de years; Santa Clause, he be white; But looks liken us bros; Gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po'lees car; My home boy he came; He whupped on dem warf rats; An' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Chenequa; Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta' mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo' sho'; Da damndest site I ebber did see. He didn't go down no chimbley; He picked da' lock on my doe; An' I sez to myself; "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!" He had dis big bag; Full of prezents I 'xpect; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; To wear roun' my neck. But he left no good prezents; Jus started stealing my shit; Got my drugs, got my guns, Even got my burglar's kit!! Wit my stuff in de bag; Out da window he flewed; I woudda' tried to catched him; But he stoled my 'nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon; An' whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon'; Dat son of a bitch!! Next year I be hopin': Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause; Jus' ain't werf a shit!! ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Dec 1997 to 27 Dec 1997 ************************************************