There are 7 messages totalling 311 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Progress (?) 2. Di Joke (Sick) 3. Boarding 4. Weird math (not off.) 5. Only in america! 6. How bad we had it in the old days 7. Subject: Dentures & Almonds (clean, off to catholics and people with dentures) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 02:48:56 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Progress (?) * For those of you anxiously awaiting the year 2000, remember there's a down side too -- for example, Brigitte Bardot will be 70, Elizabeth Taylor will be 68 and Cheryl Tiegs will be 53 -- I mean even Madonna will be 42. For men of my generation, that's damn depressing. - - - - - * There comes a time when we may just have too damn many phones in the house. I called my daughter the other day, and almost simultaneously three people answered the phone. I heard three different voices say, "I've got it !" And then, three clicks as three people all hung up. - - - - - * I was sitting at the dinner table the other nite staring into space, and Mrs. JimJr asked what was wrong. I replied, "Just think, someone somewhere is putting my name on an e-mail spam list right now." - - - - - * For those of you not up on the latest military hardware, the US Air Force has stopped testing its new anti-anti-missile-missile-missile. It seems the damn thing keeps shooting itself down. - - - - - * Here in rural Howard County, we still have some old fashioned grocery stores. Well, almost. I noticed one the other week had posted a new sign on the door: "Caution ! Not an Automatic Door". - - - - - * Can't you just see the Mothers of the future getting their kid ready for school ? I mean what's a Mother for unless its to check the kid's retros, pack his drogue chute and check his oxygen supply. - - - - - * Two men were waiting for a transit bus for quite some time. One turned to the other and said, "Just think; even the MIR has been all the way around the Earth, and we're still standing here... waiting." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 09:09:55 +0100 From: Joe Clark Subject: Di Joke (Sick) Recent vandelism at a public toilet changed the sign DISABLED TOILET to DI BLED OIL ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 11:31:22 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Boarding Jesus walks into a hotel, goes to the reception, puts two wooden boards and three nails on the desk and asks: "Can you put me up for the night?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 08:27:42 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Weird math (not off.) This is a weird math thing ! Work it out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out. (For those of you who are not math wizards, you might need a calculator) 1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply it by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746. 6. Last step: subtract the four digit year that you were born. RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: the first digit of this was your original number (I.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. If it didn't the first time, try again! this is the only year it will ever work! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 09:58:45 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Only in america! Academe Today's DAILY REPORT for subscribers of The Chronicle of Higher Education _________________________________________________________________ Good day! Here are news bulletins from The Chronicle of Higher Education for Wednesday, September 24. material deleted here * A RETIRED Portland State University library employee admitted last week that she had embezzled more than $221,000 from the institution. But her lawyer asked a judge for leniency because his client had paid it all back -- by losing the money in video-poker machines that provide revenue to the Oregon government. material deleted here Copyright (c) 1997 The Chronicle of Higher Education, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 14:02:12 -0400 From: Michael Pollak Subject: How bad we had it in the old days Sunday, August 17, 1997; Page F02 The Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder you had it in the old days: Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for prayer" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington) In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 14:49:24 -0400 From: Brenda Jaleel Subject: Subject: Dentures & Almonds (clean, off to catholics and people with dentures) As told by a bus driver on Kangaroo Island There are four catholic churches on this island. A couple of years ago one of the catholic priests wanted to be with his dying mother for Xmas, and as the Xmas service is fairly important to catholics the other priest, Father Flannigan, planned to conduct the four services instead of the normal two. He did this by notifying the congregations that the services in the four main towns on the island would be at 8am in Kingscote, 10am in Parndana, 12.30pm in Americqn River and 2.30pm in Pennishaw. On Xmas morning he rose at 6am and prepared his Xmas message, left at 7am for Kingscote, put out the hymn books, set the candles, laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 8am. At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and headed for Parndana where he , put out the hymn books, set the candles, laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 10am. At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and headed for American River where he put out the hymn books, set the candles, laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 12.30pm. At the completion of the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and headed for Pennishaw where he put out the hymn books, set the candles, laid out the collection plates and welcomed the congregation at 2.30pm. He noticed that Mrs Murphy, the old organist was not present. He was told that Mrs Murphy had been poorly lately, so after the service he picked up the hymn books, packed the candles and collection plates and loaded them in his small car and headed for Mrs Murphy's home some few miles towards Cape Willoughby. It was about 4pm when Mrs Murphy greeted him at the door of her home where she told him that she was not very sick - just tired - and would be OK in a few days. She invited Father Flannigan in for a cup of tea where she laid out the tea service and a bowl of almonds. Father Flannigan had not eaten all day and it was with a shock that he realised that he had consumed nearly all the almonds. He apologized and pushed the few remaining almonds towards Mrs Murphy. She said "Oh! I never eat them." Father Flannigan said "Why." She said "When Murphy and I were married, his mother gave us both a wedding present - a full set of dentures." Seeing the good priest's amazement she went on "That is not so strange, here, on this island. In those days there was only one ferry a week to the mainland, on Friday. Living as we do a fair way from the ferry, it would be very difficult if we were to get toothache on say Thursday because we could not get to the ferry before it left on Friday. We would have to wait till next Friday, have the tooth cared for on the following Monday then stay on the mainland till the following Friday to return home. You will agree that that would be very difficult." Father Flannigan nodded slowly then observed, "If you can't eat almonds because of your dentures, why do you buy them?" Mrs Murphy replied, "I don't. My nephew gives me a present every Xmas - a large box of chocolate coated almonds." -------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Sep 1997 to 25 Sep 1997 ************************************************