There are 11 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Happy holidays 2. Childbirth 3. Stress Diet 4. Microsoft Husband 5. HUMOR: minor scandal 6. $2 Billion B-2 Bomber Not Totally Stealthy During Rainstorms 7. (s)Hit List (offensive language about fecal matter) 8. Mt. St. Helen's Catastrophe 9. Martians & Venusians 10. Thinking about being a parent? 11. Lincoln and Kennedy {revised} ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 09:25:27 +0200 From: Theo Legters Subject: Happy holidays A wellknown, but great one: Hitler went to a fortuneteller. "When will I die?", he wanted to know. "You'll die on a jewish holiday", the fortuneteller said, after examining Hitler's left hand. "WHICH jewish holiday?", he urged. "Who cares ?", was the answer, "when you die, it IS a jewish holiday". ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 04:03:13 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Childbirth * I suppose pregnant women do get tired of each person they talk to only discussing either babies or pregnancy with them. I was at a party one time and overheard a lady ask an obviously near full term mother-to-be how she was feeling these days. The expectant lil' Mother frowned and said, "Not too good. I've missed seven or eight periods, and I'm beginning to worry about it." - - - - - * The obviously concerned husband was standing alongside his wife as she lay on a stretcher, ready to be taken back into the delivery room, and obviously in a great deal of pain. He had a concerned look on his face as he said, "Honey, are you really sure you want to go through with this ?" - - - - - * Pity the poor pregnant woman who is subjected to remarks about her size and girth. A VERY pregnant lady boarded the MetroLiner and found no seats. Instead of a gallant male jumping up they all just sat there. Finally she said, "Well, isn't anyone going to offer me their seat." This little fellow jumped up and said, "Well... I guess I can make a small contribution." - - - - - * Following a long and painful labor and the birth of her 4th child, the woman relaxed in the hospital bed, drifting in and out of sleep. While she dozed, her husband entered the room with flowers, moved quietly towards the bed, bent over and kissed her. She awoke at once, took one look at the flowers and said, "Ohhhhh Walter ! Please !!! Not so soon !!!" - - - - - * The husband was trying to downplay the pain involved in childbirth. The woman asked her doctor if she could describe it to him. "Sure." the doctor replied. "Mr. Armacost, grab hold of your lower lip." And when he did, she said, "Now pull it over your head." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy humor ? Visit me @ (joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html (postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 08:22:29 -0400 From: Craig Ehrlich Subject: Stress Diet THE STRESS DIET BREAKFAST --------- 1/2 Grapefruit 1 piece whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk LUNCH ----- 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookie Herb tea MID-AFTERNOON SNACK ------------------- Rest of the package of Oreo cookies 1 quart of Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar Hot Fudge DINNER ------ 2 loaves Garlic Bread Large Mushroom and Pepperoni Pizza Large Pitcher Beer 3 Milky Ways Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 13:15:57 -0400 From: Sue Sevin Subject: Microsoft Husband Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman proclaimed, " My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that." The third woman replied, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 13:29:25 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: HUMOR: minor scandal There was a minor scandal at Ft Sill, Oklahoma several years ago. A young girl married a much older Colonel and they were preparing, after the honeymoon, to move into the Col's quarters. Suddenly, the girl was gone and the Col stayed in his bachelor quarters. Seems she confided during the honeymoon that she was pregnant and seems he was sterile but hadn't told her. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 14:30:52 -0400 From: Joydeep Mitra Subject: $2 Billion B-2 Bomber Not Totally Stealthy During Rainstorms $2 Billion B-2 Bomber Not Totally Stealthy During Rainstorms >From the Associated Press/ New York Times: August 22,1997 Tests of the highly touted B-2 stealth bomber show that when it is exposed to water and humidity, the plane loses much of its ability to evade radar detection, a government report has found. The Air Force said Friday it has dropped plans, for now, to station any B-2s overseas because the plane must be housed in special climate-controlled hangars like those at its main operating base in Missouri. ``B-2s must be kept in shelters because of their sensitivity to moisture, water and other severe climatic conditions,'' according to a report by the General Accounting Office, the auditing arm of Congress. The Air Force said it was studying possible changes in stealthy materials and repair processes to eventually enable it to deploy the $2 billion airplanes overseas. The GAO report also said that of all B-2 practice runs between March 1996 and March 1997, only 26 percent were successful missions, with climate listed as the primary reason for failures. Congress has ordered 21 of the dark gray fighters, at a price tag of $44.7 billion. Northrop Grumman Corp. builds the B-2s, which are based at Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri. Go Figure!!!!! <= My comment ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 11:33:25 PDT From: Huge Cojones Subject: (s)Hit List (offensive language about fecal matter) Found somewhere on the net: Ghost Shit - The kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet. Clean Shit The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Shit The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain. Second Wave It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit The kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke. Richard Simmons Shit You shit so much you lose 30 pounds. Lincoln Log Shit The kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. Gassy Shit It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling. Corn Shit Self explanatory. Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit The kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Shit That's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheek Shit (The Power Dump!) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water. Liquid Shit The kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl. Mexican Food Shit It smells so bad the room must be condemned. Upper Class Shit The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. Fisherman's Bobber Shit The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line. Ambush Shit The kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day. Drunken Shit The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. Champagne Shit You're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid streams from your ass. Kling-On Shit The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge. The Iceberg Shit This is the kind where half of the shit is under the water, while the other half is floating up. Blow Out Shit The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks. Exorcist Shit The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit) Peek-A-Boo Shit It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc. Pregnancy Shit The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit) Rabbit Shit It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom. Alphabet Shit It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?" Feminist Shit No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault. Blowtorch Shit Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food) Dual Density Shit The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the bowl. Ribbon Shit A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color. The Public Shit Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom. Little Boy Shit Shit powerful enough to level a small city. Flood Shit You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a brown, pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts) Dream Shit When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that you'll be dreaming about. Concrete Shit This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days. Surgery Shit After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is torn apart so badly. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 15:16:08 EDT From: Matthew R Hirsch Subject: Mt. St. Helen's Catastrophe I was listening to a group conversation and one of them was commenting on an article he had read after Mt. St. Helen's erupted in Washington state in 1980. When a major event like that happens, journalists and reporters fly to the place to get the story. A plane full of journalists and reporters from the east coast were flying to see the aftermath and destruction of the eruption, when they looked out the window they commented on all of the down trees and how it was such a wasteland and how horrible it looked. The pilot turned around and said, " Oh we're not there yet that's just *Weyerhaeuser land." * Weyerhaeuser is a paper making company in the Northwest States ~Matt = ) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 14:23:40 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Martians & Venusians The reason why the average woman would rather have beauty rather than brains is because she knows the average man can see beter than he can think! -- Dr. James Dobson (Psychologist & bestselling author) http://www.fotf.org/AboutFocus/jcdbio.html ........................................................................ Ian Chai http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai More humor at: http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 22:18:18 -0400 From: Allen Gordon Subject: Thinking about being a parent? Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect. 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 16:08:28 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Lincoln and Kennedy {revised} CHILLING COINCIDENCES IN THE LIVES OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND JOHN F. KENNEDY NOTE: I'm sure you've seen variations on this list before. I just saw this version which adds a whole new dimension to the discussion and wanted to pass it along to humor historians out there. Jim Mica 8/22/97 Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress is 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names contain fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Aug 1997 to 23 Aug 1997 ************************************************