There are 13 messages totalling 535 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Female Logic 2. Video Games 3. Politicians 4. blond humor (may be offensive to the fair haired) 5. Humor: God's gifts 6. Hell the Swingin' Place 7. Humor: Another lawyer joke 8. Fw: (Fwd) The promised Tyson jokes... 9. HUMOR: Are you a WOOPIE? 10. You Know You're A Horse Person When... 11. Number of the beast (offensive to Bible thumpers) 12. HUMOR: You might be a redneck... 13. AirLine Jokes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 03:21:24 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Female Logic * Woman shopper trying on outfit to saleslady: "It looks too much like something I could afford." - - - - - * A telemarketer was taking a survey. He told the woman on the line, "I represent a number of vaseline companies and we're doing a survey of the many uses of vaseline in the home. Would you mind taking a few moments and telling me how you use our product ?" She said, "We use it for cuts, dry skin, chapped lips and sex." The marketer undaunted pushed on, "Uh, would you mind explaining how you use it for sex ?" She sez, "Simple. I put it on the door-knob -- it keeps the kids out of the room." - - - - - * Woman getting estimate for auto repairs to mechanic: "Well, what would it cost without parts and labor ?" - - - - - * The 64 year old man is propositioned by a Lady of the Evening. He laughs and sez "Look. I've got a 23 year old nympo waiting for me at home. What could you possibly offer me that she couldn't ?" The experienced street walker smiled smugly and said "Patience." - - - - - * Woman shopping for wallpaper to clerk: "Now we're getting somewhere. That's the exact opposite of what I'm looking for." - - - - - * The department store salesman had almost completed his pitch to the woman to convince her to buy one of those miniature washing machines. She paused and considered it, while watching it in action. Finally, she said, "Sir. I want my clothes agitated -- not just irked." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 18:39:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Video Games From: KEarlAdams@aol.com Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Video Games --------------------------------------------------------- 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence. 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 3. If it moves, KILL IT! 4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training. 5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their dirty work. 6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it. 7. You can smash things and get away with it. a. Smashing things doesn't hurt. b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things. 8. When someone dies, they disappear. 9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets. 10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry. 11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades. 12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently. 13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow. 14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief period of time. 15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all down. 16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies. 17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no other reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them with it. 18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents. 19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names. 20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new one will appear in its place. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . The Michael Jackson Child Care Center is now open. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 12:08:45 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Politicians A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:46:28 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: blond humor (may be offensive to the fair haired) Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:47:36 EDT From: "Martha E. Frantz" Subject: Humor: God's gifts Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 10:20:46 -0400 From: Eric Marshall Mentz Subject: Hell the Swingin' Place One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: That's incredible! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 09:57:48 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Humor: Another lawyer joke This is supposed to be a true story. It probably isn't, but who knows? Atty: You examined the body? Coroner: Yes. Atty: Did you check for a pulse? Cor: No. Atty: Did you listen for a heartbeat? Cor: No. Atty: Did you check for pupillary response? Cor: No. Atty: Did you do a brain scan to determine if brain death had occured? Cor: No. Atty: If you didn't do any of these tests, how could you say he is dead? Cor: Well, I have his brain in a jar on my desk. I suppose he could be out practicing law someplace. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 11:54:41 -0500 From: Brian Kim Subject: Fw: (Fwd) The promised Tyson jokes... > Q. What did Tyson say to Holyfield after the referee took two points > away from him? > A. "Come 'ear." > > Q: What did Tyson say to Don King back in the dressing room? > A: You're right it did taste like chicken! > > If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think > about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you > take a little off the ears? > > Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in > Tennessee? Yeah, Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew. > > Q. What do Marv Albert and Mike Tyson have in common? > A. They're both from New York. > > Q: Who's the latest person to get tatooed on Tyson's arms? > A: Jeffery Dahmer. > > Q: What did Holyfeild say after the fight? > A: Ear today, gone tommorrow. > > The rematch will be shown on the Food Network. > > cyberkil@enteract.com Brian Kim http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/ Brian's Front Door "He who laughs last, thinks slowest." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 14:02:14 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: HUMOR: Are you a WOOPIE? WOOPIES (Well-Off Older People) (ies) To achieve WOOPIE status, the following criteria must be met: 1. You are retired, considering retirement, or planning for retirement from at least one job; 2. You must have an income equal to at least half of your best income during your last three working years. 3. Although not mandatory, you should own a car. If you do, you must be capable of driving it. 4. You must own your own home or condo. 5. You must own at least one piece of exercise equipment that is used on a regular basis as a clothes hanger. 6. You must own two TVs, one that you watch and one that is in front of your exercise equipment. 7. You must own a VCR and at least two exercise videos. 8. You must be mentally capable of programming your VCR. (This criterion eliminates a lot of applicants.) 9. You must be physically healthy, at least capable of turning off your TV with using the remote. This is another criterion which creates problems. Most WOOPIES can manage to get to the TV, but can't find the ON/OFF switch. 10. You must be on the mailing lists of at least three of the following agencies/businesses: 1. AARP 2. Real estate agents who want to sell your house 3. A nutrition and/or vitamin supply company 4. A travel agency --"Do we have a cruise for you!!" 5. A financial/estate planner 6. A mortuary with such promotions as: "We can reserve a plot for you;" "Buy your burial plot at '96 prices;" "Buy now, pay now; die later." 11. Finally, you must be capable of having sex at least once a month. (Please note that you only have to be capable; you don't *have* to do it.) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 14:24:18 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: You Know You're A Horse Person When... >From Rebekah Alton: You Know You're A Horse Person When... - You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food... - You know you're a horse AND dog person when you don't mind throwing frozen manure balls for the barn's goldie to fetch! - Someone says, "does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand them a hoofpick. - The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for and you say "More than six acres". - You find yourself analyzing leg and foot conformation on your friends, and thinking how corrective shoeing could improve their way of going. - You run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated. (If a horses teeth do not wear evenly, they will have to be floated (filed) to restore a good grinding surface.) - You can find your boots in the dark by the manure aroma. - You drive up in the yard, get out of the car and inhale the perfume of the manure pile. - You don't notice the barn smells on your clothing and wonder why "regular" folks are sniffing the air. - Your first sign of spring is not seeing a robin, but seeing a fly. - You go to the gas station and ask the attendant to check the "off hind" (and you know you're in horse country when the young man immediantly walks to the right rear tire!) - Your car is the only one in the company parking lot that has an inch of dust INSIDE and when you open the door, a swarm of flies emerges. - Your mother has a run in the bottom of her hose and you tell her she has a split hoof. - You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to "canter", then "switch leads" until he's doing one-tempi flying changes (skipping!) - Your truck looks like a bomb exploded in a tack shop. - When your husband walks into the bedroom and sees you wearing your underwear and tall black boots and his only comment is "Oh, did the new boots finally arrive?" - Your father gets worried when he overhears you talking to a friend: "And he had the cutest butt! I happended to be behind him for a while, and practically couldn't take my eyes off his butt. And he had really nice legs, and a real strong back, and nice shoulders, and *such* a pretty face! He came over to say hello once. What a handsome guy!" When you tell him that you were talking about a horse, he's not sure whether to be reassured of get even more worried. :-) - Your motto is "baling twine will fix anything". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 18:11:12 +0000 From: "F.I. Goldhaber" Subject: Number of the beast (offensive to Bible thumpers) Revelations 13:15 ...and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed. 13:16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: 13:17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Have you ever tried selling a program that doesn't have the "Windows 95 compatible" on it? Courtesy of: jcook@halcyon.com Live Honourably 4/1 - 4/3 + 4/5 - 4/7 + . . . Feb/last 4/4 6/6 8/8/ 10/10 12/12 9/5 5/9 7/11 11/7 3/14 Fri'97 Sat'98 My home page O- http://www.halcyon.com/jcook/ Three Cookie Sheets to the Wind. Humor mailing list. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 18:40:46 -0700 From: "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." Subject: HUMOR: You might be a redneck... You might be a redneck... ...if you have to go to the petshop to get a girlfriend/boyfriend. ...if your front porch collapses and more than 5 dogs get killed. ...if go to your family reunion to pick up a date. ...if your family tree is a wreath. ******************************************************************************** Wylie Coyote, Supergenius :) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted... Press -- to continue... ******************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 09:32:18 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: AirLine Jokes *Lufthansa :- Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane" After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... ---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- " *British Airways :- "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message." *Air France :- There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system... "This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late." Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late." The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. " On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!" *Philippine Airlines :- Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who is in Heaven.........." Chalapathi (*^_^*) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1997 to 11 Jul 1997 ************************************************