There are 9 messages totalling 287 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. One offensive word 2. Now I Set Me... 3. Public Bathroom 4. Metaphors, Dire 5. safe sex 6. Humor about knowledge 7. The hardware store ( strong languaje ) 8. Definitions for the family 9. The Creation ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 02:16:03 -0500 From: Fred Subject: One offensive word Mickey and Minnie mouse are in court to get a divorce. The judge says to Mickey, "as I understand it, you say that Minnie is crazy, is that correct"? Mickey says "No, I said she was fucking Goofy"! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 04:15:11 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Now I Set Me... Now I Set Me... A 90's Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep. PC all set to download a file and send the mail in a little while. Then gather the news before the dawn and all the scores from fans long gone. The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool. Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff. Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension. Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late. Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight. Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right. VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows. Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes. Camcorder is ready to film in a flash Blender's all set, the fruit to mash. Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain. Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall. I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 07:58:44 -0400 From: Eric Marshall Mentz Subject: Public Bathroom From: "THE CRIPPLER (X6739)" TYPES OF PEOPLE ONE MEETS IN A PUBLIC WASHROOM 1. EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants. 2. SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a piss whether he has to or not. 3. CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pisses in one in middle, flushes one on right. 4. NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 5. TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later. 6. INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 7. CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor. 8. WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection. 9. FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up. 10. ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 11. DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn't make it. 12. SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed. 13. CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 14. PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand. 15. DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants. 16. EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once. 17. TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it. 18. FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses,pisses on shoes. 19. LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 20. DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. ----------------------------- ************************************************ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 13:19:58 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Metaphors, Dire The following is from a Nebraska (US) newspaper editorial, c. 1870, reporting on legislative turmoil. One presumes this is the State Legislature. The apple of discord is now fairly in our midst, and if not nipped in the bud it will burst forth in a conflagration which will deluge society in an earthquake of bloody apprehension. As my Scottish forebears might say, "Havers!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 19:01:57 -1000 From: Ian Ibbetson Subject: safe sex definition of "Safe Sex" It's sex the wife doesn't find out about. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 16:07:13 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Humor about knowledge The person who knows everything has the most to learn. The less a man knows, the easier it is to convince him he knows it all. Nothing annoys me more than a man who thinks he knows it all and does. Feel sorry for the man who has been educated beyound his intelligence. The only successful substitute for a lack of brain is silence. The more a man knows himself, the less he says about it. A wise man never blows his knows. If a little learning is a dangerous thing, then most people are safe. Knowing a lot is of no value if what you know isn't so. An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you just found out. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 19:29:25 -0600 From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez Subject: The hardware store ( strong languaje ) A woman got a job in a hardware store. Her first customer was a drunk guy, who told her, "I need a bastard file." "How dare you talk to me like that!" the incensed woman said. Speak to me courteously, or I will call the manager." Guy says, "Awright, can I please have a bastard file?" "That's it!" the woman says, "I am calling the manager!" When the manager gets there, he explains that a bastard file is a type of very raspy file. The woman apologizes to the guy, sells him the file, and he leaves. Pretty soon the guy staggers back in, wanting another file, telling her the other wasn't what he needed." "You need a bigger bastard?" she asks. The guy points in the showcase and says, "Naw, one of those little fuckers will do." ____________________________________________ Antonio Oliveros Fernandez. oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 22:00:32 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Definitions for the family grandfather--a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren. grandmother--a babysitter who doesnb't hang around the refrigerator. father--someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots. mother--the person who feeds the mouth that bites her. child--a lump bred up in darkness. aunt--the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother. uncle--a relative who only seem to like you when he needs something done for him. son--the result of getting what you thought you wanted. daughter--a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her. cousin--the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble. mother-in-law--a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgements. father-in-law--the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife another man to harrass. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 22:23:11 PDT From: Patricia Sanchez Subject: The Creation After the Lord created the Earth, He populated it with all sorts of creatures. The Lord made His best, however several animals were not happy with the results. (And the Lord wouldn't change anything because He already had destroyed the molds.) Soon, complains were so numerous he even opened an office to hear whoever that had something to say. Standing in line were a camel, an elephant, a giraffe and a hen. The camel complained bitterly: --My Lord, this hump made me frankly ridiculous!! --Dear camel, my son, in your hump you can store food and water so you are starvation and thirst proof!!! --Great! --said the camel smiling. The elephant: --My Lord, my skin os so rude, no cold cream can help me!! these wrinkles... is there anything you can do??? --Elephant's skin are the best protection against mosquitoes, bees... No bug can bite you and eat on your blood, not to mention the resistance it has against dust, weather, etc. --OK, said the elephant. The giraffe thought she was right: --My neck... What in the world made you believe I look aesthetic?? If I have to drink water, I almost can't reach the river... --But your neck is good in reaching the tallest trees!! Now, go eat!!!! --OK. I am convinced. Thanks, Lord! The hen was listening quietly how the animals were going out with a smile, and an expression of happiness in their faces. Is the hen's turn: --What's your complain, daughter hen??? --You are not going to take me in!!! Either make SMALLER MY EGGS OR WIDER MY ASS!!!!!! ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jun 1997 to 27 Jun 1997 ************************************************