There are 14 messages totalling 468 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Young Love 2. haircuts 3. Bill's New Mansion (clean) 4. Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers 5. A Royal Fart 6. Blonde joke 7. Humor - Office Jargon (part 2 of 2) 8. The Graham Cracker Boomerang Effect 9. Horse joke 10. With Feeling 11. Project Manager definitions 12. Bedtime story 13. whats your order? 14. New Reasons for Not Going to Work ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 02:58:55 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Young Love * A Father came home and found his eight year old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy's mouth and said, "I suppose you're going to tell me that you're sitting there smoking because you just became a Father." "Hell no Dad." said the boy, "Cindy ain't even reached puberty yet." - - - - - * The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later a man entered the station and the Sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope." the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza." - - - - - * A missionary, who was journeying up the Amazon, decided to teach his young guide some English to make the time pass quicker. He would point to various objects on the shore and give their English names. Everything was going fine until they saw a young couple making love on the shore. The minister was embarrassed, and simply said, "Boy riding bicycle." His guide took his bow, let fly with several arrows, and shouted "Boy riding MY bicycle." - - - - - * The high school star tackle and champion weight lifter was about to make love to his girl. She had invited him over to try out her new water bed while her parents were at work. Suddenly, the water bed sprung a leak. As the girl lay there getting soaked, she sighed and said, "Harold, when are you going to do something about your aim ?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 05:25:30 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: haircuts Haircuts -- The difference between men and women Women's version: --------------------------- Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: ---------------------- Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 06:52:31 -0400 From: Brian Myers Subject: Bill's New Mansion (clean) The Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates's New Mansion 15> Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft' strictly prohibited while in bedroom." 14> No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall. 13> Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand. 12> Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing. 11> Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash. 10> No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills. 9> Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile. 8> Zima on tap. 7> Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room. 6> Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed. 5> Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy. 4> Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud. 3> Everywhere you look -- Women! 2> With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?" 1> Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute... that's no replica!! [ This list copyrighted by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 14:51:22 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 14:52:49 UT+0200 From: Lize Lubbe Subject: A Royal Fart You can always trust a true Queen to get you off the hook when you are faced with disaster. John Aubrey, in his outrageous Brief Lives, tells the glorious story of a fart in high places. It concerns Elizabeth I and one of her courtiers, Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford. 'The Earl of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, seven years. On his return the Queen welcomed him home, and said "my Lord, I had forgott the fart."' - Gyles Brandreth: The Bedside Book of Great Sexual Disasters (1985) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 09:21:44 -0400 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Blonde joke (I have permission to post twice today - whoo hoo!) In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 10:14:59 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Humor - Office Jargon (part 2 of 2) Can't keep up with the lingo? Check this out. By CONNIE KOENENN - Copyright 1997 Los Angeles Times (who copied it it from a book by Gareth Branwyn titled Jargon Watch.) 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." Geekosphere: The area surrounding one's computer, where little trinkets, personal mementos, toys and monitor pets are displayed. The place where computer geeks can show their "colors." In the Plastic Closet: Said about someone who refuses to admit to having cosmetic surgery. I-Way: Short form of information superhighway. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. Open Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute. Siliwood: Short for "Silicon Hollywood," the coming converge of movies, interactive television and computer. Starter Marriages: Short-lived first marriages that end in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Tract Mansions: Large, expensive homes built in tractlike developments by the nouveau riche. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies at the workplace. Yuppie Food Coupons: The $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got is yuppie food coupons. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To offer samples from your own jargon, e-mail Branwyn at jargon@wired.com. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 12:34:33 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: The Graham Cracker Boomerang Effect The Role of the Graham Cracker in the Sexual Revolution of the Sixties by Jim Mica ABD I have recieved so much positive response to my posting about the Milk-a-dairy Industrial Complex that I feel should go on to offer my thoughts on Graham Crackers. There actually was a guy name Graham, he lived in the 19th Century, his name was Sylvester --The Rev. Sylvester if you please. According to Bill Bryson's seminal work "MADE IN AMERICA" (New York: William Morrow, 1994) The Rev. Graham: ...connected insanity with the eating of ketchup and mustard, and believed that the consumption of meat would result in the sort of hormonal boisterousness that leads men to take advantage of pliant women. (Pg. 192) To provide a healthful alternative to eating meat, The Rev. Graham invented his cracker. Fast forward to the 50s. We boomers were fed milk and Graham crackers. This went on until we reached the upper grades and/or puberty. Just at the point where we were poised to attain "hormonal boisterousness" the government (through the schools) no longer gave us Graham Crackers. The result of this unleashed tide of hormones was the Sexual Revolution. Oh yes, THE PILL, may have played some small part in the scenerio as a catalyst, but the removal of those Graham blockers was the source of the sea change. The TRUTH is OUT THERE ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 15:48:44 -0400 From: Eric Marshall Mentz Subject: Horse joke One day, a Mexican was peacefully resting on a side road with his horse in the fields of the Texas valley. Suddenly a man approaches him and inquires about the horse: "Hey, I'll give you $50 for your horse; sell it to me." The Mexican replies "no, he no look so good." So the man keeps insisting for he has taken quite liking for the horse, "O.K. I'll give you $100 for the horse; I like it." Again the Mexican replies, "no sir, he no look so good." The man really wants the horse so he offers the Mexican $200. Finally the Mexican says, "O.K. but he no look so good." So the man mounts the horse and goes happily on his way. Several minutes later the Mexican sees the man who bought the horse coming towards him all beaten up, with bruises and blood all over him. The man says: "why didn't you tell me that this horse was blind?" To which the Mexican replies: "sir, I told you he no look so good!!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 15:54:39 -0400 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: With Feeling ` James Thurber, a creat comic writer, who became blind, once said to a friend: "It's a a little awkward for a blind man; I couldn't truthly say it's been a long time since I SAW Dorris, but then on the other hand, it wouldn't sound right for me to say it's a long time since I FELT your wife." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 16:44:51 -0600 From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez Subject: Project Manager definitions If you get in my way, I'll kill you! - ideal project manager If you get in my way, you'll kill me! - somewhat less than ideal project manager If I get in my way, I'll kill you! - somewhat misguided project manager If I get in your way, I'll kill you! - A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.) If get kill in will way I you. -dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager I am the way! Kill me if you can! -messianic project manager Get away, I'll kill us all! -suicidal project manager If you kill me, I'll get in your way. -thoughtful but ineffective project manager If I kill you I'll get in your way. -project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. -project manager from New York I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. -project manager who is about to get in big trouble If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares? -weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager If I kill me, you'll get your way. -pragmatic project manager Kill me, it's the only way. -every project manager to date. ____________________________________________ Antonio Oliveros Fernandez. oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 20:12:41 EDT From: "Donald E. Chesnel" Subject: Bedtime story One night, as a married couple are laying in bed, the husband reaches over and starts rubbing his wife's body. She turns over, looks at him and says, "Not tonight, hon. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my gynecologist and I want to stay "fresh" for that." The husband rolls over, upset with this rejection. A few minutes passes by and he nudges his wife again. He says, "Hon, you don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 19:05:30 -0800 From: Steven & Susan Subject: whats your order? > A guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few >minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like. > > "I'd like a quickie". > The waitress blushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would >you like to order?" > > "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off >angrily. > > Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to >the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 23:09:29 -0500 From: Ossama Alami Subject: New Reasons for Not Going to Work New Reasons for Not Going to Work (from The Laugh Page - http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/) I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. My stigmata's acting up. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. _______________________________________________________________ Ossama O. Alami http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/ oalami@mnsinc.com ICQ UIN: 1020287 "Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jun 1997 to 14 Jun 1997 ************************************************