There are 21 messages totalling 982 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Columbia Maryland 2. God (clean), GEORGE! and Li'l Johnny (both language) 3. Top5 - 4/21/97 - Other Things in Hale-Bopp's Tail 4. Computer job-finder(racially offensive) 5. Jokes about women (offensive language) 6. Adam's rib... 7. Flames 8. (Fwd) Misdirected Message 9. You know you're an E-mail Junkie... (off. to e'mail geeks) 10. Hell Again 11. humor: Weird News and more.. 12. The Tech Support Song (Offensive to stupid PC users) 13. Exam Amtics (2/5) 14. Not Funny -- Virus Alert (for real) 15. Political humor from India 16. It's A Wacky World! 17. Unsubscribe Instructions 18. The 'Ellen' Controversy (lesbianism mentioned) 19. Not Funny -- Warning 20. You are what you eat 21. Exam Antics (3/5) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 02:58:40 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Columbia Maryland * A lot of States in the US have installed short-distance AM radios to aid traveling motorists. Normally, these devices transmit such information as traffic delays, weather updates, etc., continually. In Columbia Maryland though, when you see a sign advising you to tune to a certain AM frequency to receive "Traveler's Information", you get stock tips, interest rates, bond quotes, T-Bill info... - - - - - * I was really impressed when I learned that Columbia Yuppettes are turning more and more to breast feeding their infants. That is until I found out that they expect to have it catered. - - - - - * Speaking of catering (I was), Columbia is famous for its fancy restaurants. One place has a maitre d' for the carry-out counter. - - - - - * And the dogs in Columbia, believe it or not, most don't even bite. They've got their teeth capped and don't want to chance ruining them. - - - - - * In Columbia, they all sit down to a bottle of water, a bran muffin and decaf coffee, and call it a "Power Breakfast". - - - - - * I know this one Columbia Yuppie who started his own software company. Since he offered me a free copy of the program, I agreed to beta test it for him. I called the other day with a few questions, and when he answered the phone, I said, "How's it going ?" He shot back with, "Oh great Jimmy, just great !!! We just signed a contract with a second printer, since the first one can't keep us in stock with the manuals to ship our latest version of 'Money Talks'. And then just yesterday, MicroSoft raised their offer to four hundred thousand for that one sub-routine I did and they want so desperately." I said, "I see. That's OK Leslie, I'll call back later when you're alone and we can talk." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 11:09:54 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: God (clean), GEORGE! and Li'l Johnny (both language) And it was good... (clean) In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the earing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not intereted in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell! -------------------- 'GEORGE' (yuk! but clean) [courtesy of Chuck Taylor of Nerdnosh] A guy named Bob took a girl named Sue out for a date to the movies. Well, Bob all of a sudden had the urge to fart really bad. So Bob made an excuse to take Sue home. She said, Fine but you could at least come in and meet my parents. He said, Ok ,but it has to be quick, I really gotta go. So they went in and she asked him to sit down. He accidentally let a small fart. Sues Dad yelled, "GEORGE". Bob said to himself, "This is great, He thinks its the dog farting. So, he let a bigger and louder one. Sues Dad yelled louder, "GEORGE !" Feeling relieved that the dad thought it must be George farting, he let the biggest fart ever to relieve himself. Sues dad yelled once more, "GEORGE, get out from under that chair before that man shits on you." -------------------- More Li'l Johnny (hope this one hasn't been posted - I haven't seen it) For her planned lesson, the teacher would announce a letter, then call on a student to state a word that began with that letter. Because there were 26 students in the class, she knew she would have to call on Johnny, who had a vulgar mouth. She considered each letter and couldn't think of any dirty words that began with "R", so she decided to give that to Johnny. First, she gave the letter "A". Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, I know," but she called on Billy, who said, "A is for apple." "That's very good," she said, "What letter starts with 'B'?" Again Johnny says, "I know, I know," but she called on Sally, who said, "B is for ball." Johnny's hand shot up for every letter. Finally, she asked, "What word starts with the letter 'R'?" She called on Johnny. "RATS," replied Johnny. "Rats?" she asked. With his arms wide apart, he responded, "Yeah, big, fat, fuckin' hairy ones with dicks this long!" ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 05:58:41 -0400 From: John Vogel Subject: Top5 - 4/21/97 - Other Things in Hale-Bopp's Tail The Top 15 Other Things in the Hale-Bopp Comet's Tail 15> Gazillions of unmatched socks 14> Guy with rainbow-colored wig and sign that says, "John 3:16" 13> Replacement players for the Chicago Cubs 12> By contractual arrangement with Nike, it's now called the Hale-Bopp "Swoosh." 11> Castration debris 10> A "My Other Interstellar Vehicle Goes Faster Than Light" bumper sticker 9> A few stale cheese puffs, four Junior Mints, some loose change, and the remote control 8> Spacedust bunnies 7> William Shatner's hairpiece from episode #12 of the original Star Trek 6> A hitman from the planet Zircon with a contract on Pauly Shore 5> A smaller comet that's honking and trying to pass 4> Where there's tail, Wilt Chamberlain can't be far away 3> A bumper sticker which reads: "I Brake for Cult Members" 2> I'm sorry, I was watching Pamela Lee on Saturday Night Live. What was the question? and the Number 1 Other Thing in the Hale-Bopp Comet's Tail... 1> Yet another Starbucks [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Baby Bopp's Tail", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Your work is only as good as your concentra-- Hey look! A cloud shaped like Snoopy! (Thanks to Martell Stroup) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:00:59 -0400 From: Mark Morris Subject: Computer job-finder(racially offensive) Once there was a man who, being unemployed and his benefits about to run out, decided to get a job. He tried some small stores and half-heartedly submitted applications to a few places, but still could not find a job. So he finally went to a place that advertised 100% job placement by computer. When he got there, Rastus filled out the forms and gave them to his counselor. While he was waiting, Rastus watched as other applicants recieved their coded replies, which were interpreted by the counselors, and they all left looking very happy. Finally, Rastus was called to his counselor's desk. The counselor showed him the coded report, which said BIMM BAR PCT. "Wow!" said Rastus, "It looks like I'm going to be working for the BIMM company, get a wet BAR in my office, and get a PCT of the profits!! How great this is!!" "Not so fast there, Rastus." said the counselor. "You just don't know how the code really works. It says to Be In Mississippi Monday,get your Black Ass Ready to Pick Cotton Tuesday." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 06:04:50 PDT From: Huge Cojones Subject: Jokes about women (offensive language) Why do women have tits and cunts? Because otherwise they would be completely fucking useless. Why do women have breasts? To make suckers out of men. What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina? The woman! --------------------------------------------------------- Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com --------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:07:24 -0400 From: Ross Stocks Subject: Adam's rib... Subject: Time: 9:05 = AM OFFICE MEMO Adam's rib... Date: = 4/21/97 One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:59:31 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Flames We all flame creatively, don't we? However, here are some suggestions about letting the other person know how you feel about his/her brains: * You lack the minimum IQ to post in this conference/newsletter/list. * Is your gerbil also retarded? * How many generations of inbreeding have produced you? * Stupid is such a trite word - idiot, cretin and moron describe you much more accurately. * What did you get on your IQ test? Drool? * Please don't reply until you take your head out of your a**. * You could raise your IQ 20 points just by shutting your mouth. * If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate. * If your IQ was two points higher you'd be a vegetable. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:11:01 CST6CDT From: John Olack Subject: (Fwd) Misdirected Message This misdirected message was inadvertently delivered to my office. Sorry for the delay I hope it is not too late. STARDATE 10357.22 (March 28, 1997) To: , , DUE TO EXTENSIVE HEAD WINDS CAUSED BY THE COMET HALE-BOPP, PICKUP OF THE 39 PASSENGERS HAS BEEN DELAYED UNTIL 3024 WHEN WE PASS THE PLANET AGAIN. DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME *** REPEAT *** DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME _____________________________________________________________________ John Olack 314-362-3860 Division of Comparative Medicine Washington University School of Medicine 660 South Euclid Avenue St Louis, MO 63110 --------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 10:16:12 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: You know you're an E-mail Junkie... (off. to e'mail geeks) 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems. 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...And you succeed. 10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com." 13. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 14. Your cat has its own home page. 15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 20. You tell the cab driver you live at: http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html. 21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 20:02:54 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Hell Again Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and Fallon goes to hell. One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell. Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Norris gets pissed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this shit? I think I want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there." God says "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't." Chalapathi ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 18:13:26 +100 From: wouter van den berg Subject: humor: Weird News and more.. Here's some weird news, mainly from The Netherlands.. GRUBBEVORST -- A priest in Grubbevorst, a Dutch city in the Limburg province, has blessed 700 motorcycles. The motorcycles received the blessing after having attended a mass with heavy metal music. JAARSVELD -- A 21 year old man from Nieuwegein has admitted to having had sex with horses multiple times to the police. He was only discovered because observant personell at the stables noticed that bales of haw he had been using to stand on during his pathetic deviant deeds misteriously moved to the other corner of the stables overnight (!) SPACE -- Gene Roddenberry's ashes have boldly gone where no-one's ashes have gone before, joined by Timothy Leary's, on their final, and possibly highest, trip. Seven grams of 24 people's ashes have been brought into orbit around the earth, where they will stay for about 6 years before crashing down to earth again, and burning-up in the earth's atmosfere, for the second time around. The trip on a rocket also carrying 2 satellites cost $4800 per vial of ashes. APELDOORN -- A 22 year old cleaning woman turned over two live WWII handgrenades to stunned Apeldoorn police saturday. For the last 50 years they had been used by an elderly man as bookstands. The police have stored the grenades in a bomb-proof room, awaiting the bomb disposal squad. It was decided to hand the handgrenades in as a part of springcleaning.. ----------------------------- misc. (Dutch) humor (sick) : A man went to a petstore and bought a hamster. The following day the hamster died, so he returned to the shop, furious. Of course the shopkeeper immediately gave him a replacment, but when the man wanted to turn over the dead hamster, the shopkeeper leaned over and said : 'I'll let you in on a little secret : what I usually do with dead hamsters, is to puree them in a foodprocessor, and use them as fertilizer for my garden, and it fertilizes better than anything!' So the man went home with the hamsters, one live, and one dead, put the dead one in the foodprocessor, and spread its liquified remains over his garden. The next morning his garden was a sea of flowers, so he went back to the shop, and said : 'I just came back to thank you for your excellent advise! My garden is now filled with the most beautiful roses and daffodils!' To which the shopkeeper replied : 'Roses and daffodils? That's strange.. Usually you get tulips from hamsterjam!' (* note : 'Tulips from Amsterdam' is a medium-well known song .. ----------------------------- This is my first post (finally) so please don't flame me! ;-) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 13:29:22 -0400 From: "Linney E. Dew, II" Subject: The Tech Support Song (Offensive to stupid PC users) John Peed, a friend of mine, and I wrote this together. Well, actually, I did the important part. I came up with the concept of the song, John just came up with about 99% of the words! Hope you enjoy it! If You Only Had A Brain: The Tech Support Song (Sung to the music of "If I only had a brain" from the Wizard of Oz) When yer computer's in the toilet, and all attempts to fix are foil-ed, though you try and try a-gaaaaain... Better call us for service, 'cause w know that you're nervous and you just don't have a braaaaain! When your com port is un-know-un, better get us on the phow-un, 'cause you know it's just germaaaaane: you don't know from shinola, you never did what we tol' ya', and we wish you had a braaaaain! Yeah, yer' typin's a disaster, the computer is yer master, and reading, you disdaaaaain. The man-u-als, they snow you and in spite of all we show you, just your ignorance remaaaaains. You don't know what the hell yer' doin', and it's drivin' us to ruin, my God!, you're such a paaaaain! You talk when you should listen, and into the wind you're pissin', oh, we wish you had a braaaaain! At tech support, we're here for helpin', so siddown and quit yer yelpin', while we're tryin' to explaaaaain. Please don't futz with your system, I'm not askin', I'm insistin', 'cause you just don't have a braaaaain! Well, your mind's like cookie batter, there's an absence of grey matter, so this is our refraaaaain: We could make your system work, and not a duty would we shirk, if you only had a braaaaain! It's our job, we try to help ya' though at times we'd like to belt ya', 'cause you're drivin' us insaaaaane! But as long as they keep payin' us, we'll be here, although it's heinous, and we wish ... you'd ... get ... a ... braa-ee-yaaee-yaaee-yaaee-yain! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dewhead aka Linney The Dew email: dewhead@mindspring.com "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." --Woody Allen ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:27:22 -0400 From: Nermie Subject: Exam Amtics (2/5) Exam Antics 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 12:26:05 +0000 From: "F.I. Goldhaber" Subject: Not Funny -- Virus Alert (for real) This one is for real, folks. Pay attention. There is a destructive virus circulating on the net with an e-mail subject heading of "aol4free.com". If you run the aol4free.com attachment, the virus will begin rapidly deleting all files from your hard drive. If you should receive it and if you do accidently open it, turn your machine off (or boot it) as soon as possible. If you have a file-recovery utitily, you can boot from a floppy and recover your files since aol4free.com doesn't actually wipe the info from the disk (just trashes your directories). Please pass this along. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:47:20 EST From: Bill Edwards Subject: Political humor from India India Discussion Digest Mon, 21 Apr 97 Volume 2 : Issue 1402 From: Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan Subject: Humor Happens! (Sometimes at the same place again & again) At an ashram, a godman is conducting a prayer cum meeting session. Some devotees are overwhelmed by his presence and in order to get a closer `darshan'(look) break the security cordon. The godman, who gets a bit scared is calmed by his security guards, as these devotees shout their pleadings above the chants of the rest. A thirsty soul: Swamy ji, if you could give me a swig of water from your own hands, I would be indebted to you for life. A camel : (Shakes its head, & tries to chew something invisible. The ventriloquist had left. However, an ex-circus trainer writes the following down as his interpretation) Swamy ji, if you could give me a twig of leaf from your own hands, I would be indebted to you for life. An aspirant candidate : Swamyji, if you could make me a bigwig in politics by placing your own hands on my head, I would be indebted to you for life. A frustrated bald man : Swamy ji, if you could give me just an ordinary wig of hair from your own hands, I would be indebted to you for life. ----------------------------- From: subramani Iyer Subject: Humor in Indian Politics Sitaram Kesri is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him,that would be a tragedy." "No," Kesri says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty school children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Kesri. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS to the Nation ." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Kesri, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, Gurupreet in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Narshima Rao, Laloo Prasad and Sitaram Kersi were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Kesri beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well" says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss to the Nation!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 16:05:20 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World! Bomb ``joke'' Bombs With Police LUTZ, Fla., April 21 (UPI) (c) - A Hillsborough County, Fla., man is facing felony charges (Monday) after placing a realistic-looking fake bomb on his mailbox so an out-of-town visitor could easily locate his house. Nervous neighbors who spotted the device called sheriff's deputies who arrested McCormick Jones despite his explanation that the bogus dynamite was a joke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *The gene pool could use a little chlorine. -- Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 20 Apr 1997 12:02:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Unsubscribe Instructions Just in case someone ask you how to unsubscribe from a list, use this for an answer. . . . ====================== Here's how to unsubscribe: First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit. Then follow these directions. The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock. The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button. The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position. You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator . If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control panel. To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally. The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container. If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested. After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 17:45:33 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: The 'Ellen' Controversy (lesbianism mentioned) Some Ramifications of the "Ellen" Controversy by Jim Mica Popular culture can get confusing. Ellen Degeneres (hereinafter referred to as ED) plays Ellen Morgan (EM) who is a character on a show called Ellen(E). I suppose that this is a lot like Mary Tyler Moore playing Mary Richards on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but there are some new twists to the ratings game these days. It used to be that one perked up a sagging sitcom by (1) having the couple have a baby or (2) sending everybody on a vacation to Europe or Hawaii. But those plot developments are just plain "old Hat" now-a-days. Unless you've been living on some other planet --or paying too much attention to the UFO following comet Hale-Bopp-- you'll know that E is about to undergo a major reorganization because EM is going to come out as a lesbian and, oh by the way, ED is one too. According to the producers (I got this all from TIME magazine which is a subsidiary of PEOPLE magazine you know) it was decided that EM would come out as a lesbian because: 1) EM is uncomfortable dating men, 2) there is no chemistry between EM and young male ingenues and 3) EM is attracted to women. This formula is going to make it very difficult for real women who may be struggling with their own sexual identities because they will have such a hard time finding young male ingenues to test themselves on. I mean, just think about it, how many ingenues do YOU run across each week? Now as for the show itself (E that is), I'm not clear at all on whether this is going to be a winning move. For one thing, actually making this change means that they won't be able to spend all of next season hinting at the possibility that the change is coming! For example, every time EM mentioned a female pop singer this year it was always Melissa Etheridge. Or consider a snippet of dialogue like the following: Sales Woman: Let me show you some slides of homes that I have for sale. EM: OK, sure. SW: Now here's a lovely bungalow. Just image you and your husband standing here on the porch... EM: Boy, there's something wrong with this picture. So, E has lost one fruitful plot avenue. Then there's the fact that EM has moved out of her apartment of many years. Remember how quickly the Mary Tyler Moore show died after Mary Richards moved out of her original apartment? Then there may be a real backlash against E from lesbians. I mean, they may well object to being shown acting like or having personality traits like EM displays. Let's face it, EM makes any of Bob Newhart's "Bobs" seem dynamic and decisive! Finally, one wonders about what all of this will mean for ED. When I first heard the story I wondered just how quickly ED would be held up to opprobrium. I wondered how soon somebody would call her "Ellen Degenerate"? I soon got an answer because The Rev. Jerry Falwell weighed in with that appellation. According to TIME, when ED was told that Jerry Falwell had called her "Ellen Degenerate," she remembered first being called that name by little boys when she was in fourth grade. (Falwell watchers are, no doubt, pleased to have this new estimate of his developmental age.) But, things still seem to be unsettled in so many ways. ED said that she might portray EM as an Afro-American woman next! Boy, if you think there's a brouhaha now... *********************************************** The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as long as the title and author's name are attached. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 15:43:03 +0000 From: "F.I. Goldhaber" Subject: Not Funny -- Warning I know I'm breaking the rules by posting twice in the same day and will accept whatever punishment doled out as a result. However, I must reiterate that my previous post about AOL4FREE.COM is not a hoax!! There was an AOLFREE hoax message. This is different. It is not, as I have been advised several times, a virus but a Trojan Horse. Therefore NO VIRUS CHECKER will catch this program!!!!! It is e-mailed as an attachement and is an executable file. The moment the file is executed, it begins deleting all files on the computer's c:drive. I confirmed the existance of this program BEFORE I posted last time and since have received additional confirmation via a U.S. Department of Energy, Computer Incident Advisory Capability INFORMATION BULLETIN. The following was excerpted from the bulletin: "CIAC has obtained a Trojaned copy of the AOL4FREE.COM program that, if run, deletes all the files on a user's hard drive. If you are e-mailed this file, or if you have downloaded it from an online service, do not attempt to run it. If the program was received as an attachment to an e-mail message, do not double click (open) it. Opening an attached program runs that program, which in this case deletes all the files on your hard drive. The original AOL4FREE.COM was a program for fraudulently creating free AOL (America Online) accounts. Note that any attempt to use the original AOL4FREE.COM program may subject you to prosecution. NOTE: Most antivirus programs will not detect this or other Trojan Horse programs. Detection ========= AOL4FREE.COM is a Trojan program that is 993 bytes (2 sectors) long. It masquerades as the AOL4FREE program that allows the fraudulent creation of free AOL accounts. The following text is readable in the AOL4FREE.COM file if you display it with the DOS TYPE command or the DOS EDIT program. Compiled by BAT2EXEC 1.5 PC Magazine . Douglas Boling Note that this text may appear in any program compiled with the BAT2EXEC program and has nothing to do with the Trojan Horse. If you open the AOL4FREE.COM file with a disk editor or with the Windows Notepad program, the following text is found at the end of the second sector of the file. PATH COMMANDC earc /C C: /C CD\ DELTREE /y *.* ECHOOYOUR COMPUTER HAS JUST BEEN F***ED BY *VP* F*** YOU AOL-LAMER" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 21:23:40 EDT From: "Donald E. Chesnel" Subject: You are what you eat A teacher was working with a group of young children trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration techniques. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from rocks to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and spices. Then one day, the teacher brought in various kinds of round hard candies in more flavors than one could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they all managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and oranges, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored life savers into their mouths, none of them could identify what they were. "Let me give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly one of the kids spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Apr 1997 00:48:59 -0400 From: Nermie Subject: Exam Antics (3/5) Exam Antics 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i. e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "%$#@ this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the>class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.> ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1997 to 22 Apr 1997 ************************************************