There are 6 messages totalling 328 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. One liners 2. Baseball (clean), the Pilot (innuendo) and St. Peter (clean) 3. HUMOR: WANTED / ChiCubs Jokes (off to die-hard cub fans) (fwd) 4. Clean Quickies 5. Joke to tell other people 6. It's Exam Time again! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 02:44:56 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: One liners * When it comes down to the choice of the lesser of two evils, never mind all that -- pick the one you enjoy the most. - - - - - * Time may or may not be a great healer -- but it's sure one terrible beautician. - - - - - * Don't you find it odd that no one ever sez "It's only a game" when their team is winning ? - - - - - * It's easy to figure out why everybody sez: "Talk is cheap"... Supply greatly outweighs demand. - - - - - * I hate self-service. It's always so damn bad... and slow too. - - - - - * I won't go so far as to say this one woman I knew was a Nympho, But... her diaphragm is on display in the Smithsonian. - - - - - * These days, it's no longer a sin to have sex before the wedding. I do think however it's a bit tacky to block the aisle in Church. - - - - - * If my wife gets one more credit card, She'll have a complete deck. - - - - - * According to my wife, women who want to be equal to men, lack ambition, drive, imagination and purpose. - - - - - * Remember if ya can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 12:25:57 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Baseball (clean), the Pilot (innuendo) and St. Peter (clean) The Top 15 Things Overheard at the Ballpark in the First Week of the Season 15 "Holy Cow! Marge Schott is signaling in plays from her box seat... No, hold on, she's just gesturing to the minority fans." 14 "Dammit! I left my gun in my other jacket!" 13 "Sorry, kids, no peanuts tonight -- I maxed out my credit card on the hot dogs." 12 "...so if he hits it, the guy runs from home plate to-- Dammit, Hillary, maybe if you spent a little less time running this country..." 11 "Man, that pitch nailed Roberto Alomar in the head and the ump still called it a strike." 10 "That's minor league stuff, Rookie, up here, we scratch in a circular motion." 9 "No, Cecil, you CAN'T have my hot dog -- Now go back to your dugout." 8 "Hotdogs! Beer! Flaming Hepatitis Berries on a Stick!" 7 "No, Sweetie, that's not Dennis Rodman -- that's the mascot." 6 "Don't you think 4 corndogs and a chiliburger is enough for one game, Mr. President?" 5 "I will not spit on umpires. I will not spit on umpires. I will not... DOH!!!!" 4 "Someday son, if you practice really hard, you'll grow up and spit on the umpires too." 3 "Hurry up, team! All bets must be placed with Mr. Rose before game time." 2 "The skinheads in your luxury box want to know if you have any more bratwurst, Mrs. Schott." 1 "The Mets are in real trouble now, as they were counting on Marshall Applewhite to be their closer." -------------------- Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot (innuendo) Pierre, the French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and passionately splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat , I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?!" "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams: "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!" "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" -------------------- More St. Peter (clean) A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." (from Giggles) ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 09:56:44 -0500 From: Lawrence Subject: HUMOR: WANTED / ChiCubs Jokes (off to die-hard cub fans) (fwd) ***** WANTED: Jokes carrying a Sociological theme (ie: could be used as a topic discussed in a Sociology or Deviance class) Post here, and/or in private email. ***** ==================================================== A few random jokes: Knock Know -who's there? Owen -Owen who? Owen-twelve. (Say it outloud, referring to our dear Cubs baseball record). ---------------- The Cubs are doing just fine this season.... 6 & 6 ! ...6 loses at home, 6 loses away... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 12:18:45 -0400 From: Arin Friedlander Subject: Clean Quickies "Jesus is coming soon--perhaps tomorrow. Send $10 for tapes that explain the second coming of Christ. Allow six weeks for delivery." ______________________ Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found out in a certain area the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters." ______________________ Wilt Chamberlain was at a cocktail party and was asked yet again 'How's the weather up there?' by a person of lesser stature. Finally losing patience, Chamberlain inverted his glass over his interlocutor and reported, 'It's raining.' ______________________ Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2)later tried to post his $400 bail in coins ______________________ Happened to me two minutes ago in the computer lab: Two guys are in the middle of a multiplayer net game. After some loud swearing one of them asks the other: "OK, now my wisdom is at maximum. What should I do?" ______________________ -- Compiled from various sources; found at http://users.aol.com/psyclone ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 21:07:23 -0700 From: Fleischer Subject: Joke to tell other people NOTE: This is a very funny joke I heard that unfortunately only works if duly ccompanied by some gesturing, so it probably won't be very funny to read, but may be a good one for you to tell your friends. This kid and his aunt are off to Switzerland for the holidays, and his dad takes them to the airport. They say goodbye to each other and the kid and his aunt go through security check and enter the restricted area. Just then, the aunt turns to the kid and asks, "Did you remember to bring your gloves?" "Yup," replies the kid. "How about your thermal underwear?" "It's here." "Your parka?" "In the suitcase." "Good. Are you sure you haven't forgotten anything?" The kid thinks hard about this and realizes he has indeed forgotten something. "Um. I think I forgot to bring money for skiing..." "Oh, oh. We have a problem," says his aunt. "I don't have any money to lend you. You'd better hurry back and ask your dad." The kid runs back to a place where he can see his dad in the main lounge through a thick glass window. He knocks on the glass to attract his dad's attention. When his dad sees him, he waves and gestures 'skiing' by pretending his pushing ski poles (a gesture that can be confused with something else--holding a woman by the hips and screwing her). He then makes a gesture with his index and thumb to signify 'money'. His dad thinks about this for a couple pf seconds, and gestures 'no' by waving his index, and then makes a gesture to signify 'jerk off'... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 19 Apr 1997 22:08:01 -0400 From: Nermie Subject: It's Exam Time again! For some of us lowly college students, Exams are creeping up once again. Sorry it seems out of season. . . Read and enjoy. For those of you not in college, either remember the good times that were had or know-- this is what you get to do later. :P *snicker* 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS 'Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last-minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would loosen their thinking. In my own room, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his book, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy; My eyes went ablur, And I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades earned in school. When all of a sudden Our door opened wide And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. His spirit was careless, His manner was mellow, But summoning effort He started to bellow: "What kind of student Would make such a fuss To toss back at teachers What they toss at us? On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last-Minute Crams!" His message delivered, He vanished from sight, But we heard him laughing Outside in the night: "Your teachers have pegged you, So just do our best... Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1997 to 20 Apr 1997 ************************************************