There are 9 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Women 2. NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part 2/3) 3. HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 - Special issue 4. 50 fun things to do in an elevator part 1/5 5. Dangerous Virus!!! 6. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson (Squeaky Clean) 7. Shakespeare put to the test 8. pop quiz 9. trouble with radar ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 03:36:41 -0400 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Women * While vacationing in the hills of West Virginia, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a real nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked "Do you keep stationery ?" "Well," she giggled, "I can until the last few minutes, then I just go plain wild." - - - - - * Those of you who have ever heard native Texas girls speak know that they're really slow talkers. Usually that's not a problem. Unless, of course, they're trying to convince some guy that they're "not that kinda girl". See, by the time they're half way finished -- they are. - - - - - * A Yuppette from Columbia Maryland was driving her classic Jag cross- country last summer. The trip was a hot and dusty one in this one section of the country and she spotted a small pond in a little glade not far off the road. She decided to stop for a swim. She slipped out of her clothes and plunged into the cool water. After about 10 minutes or so, she became aware of someone watching her from behind the bushes. Her clothes were at the other end of the pond, but there was an old washtub in the sand near her. She picked it up, held it in front of her and marched over to the bushes, where she spotted not one but three farm-boy types staring. She was furious, and snapped as forceful as she could, "Don't you idiots have anything at all better to do ? Do you know what I think... ???" "Yes ma'am," drawled the tallest of the three, "You think that there old washing tub has a bottom in it." - - - - - * Oh for the good ole days when a man's greatest fear was that a woman would take it "to heart". These days ya gotta worry like hell that she'll take it to court ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @ http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 12:31:02 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: NEW Insurance Claim Goofs (clean, part 2/3) EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes around on the net from time to time... but thanks to squiffy@CIX.COMPULINK.CO.UK, who posted these on the Giggles List, and deserves our gratitude, we have an ENTIRELY NEW batch of them. Thank you, squiffy! (I have removed a few, perhaps 10, which actually were repeats. A couple others may have slipped through, but these are mostly new). -------------------- "Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin." "Travelling along road and was hit by vehicle". "I hooted at the pedestrian but he stared at me." A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo "On approaching roundabout I could see no vehicles coming from my right when suddenly the car in front braked and I hit him in the rear." "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." "I was riding my motorbike under the influence of cannabis when I was chased by the police and stacked my bike." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight!" "I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker." "Mr X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?" "No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened." "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." "While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown money (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated request to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial." Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan. ----- (to be continued) ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 15:27:58 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 - Special issue >Date: Wed, 9 Apr 1997 07:22:13 GMT >From: Max Blumberg >Subject: Brian & Jim (Psychiatric) > >Q: How will Brian and Jim's shrinks know when they have finally got a life? > >A: When they can honestly tell him that they managed to find 10 minutes in >their waking hours where they WERN'T trying to find material for >humor@uga......... Q: Why does noone on earth give a shit what Max Blumberg thinks about Brian and Jim? A: Because noone asked the pathetic fuck's opinion. Brian ================================================= Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story- tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires, e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 11:25:58 -0500 From: Russamer Subject: 50 fun things to do in an elevator part 1/5 -- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] -- 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1/5 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 17:50:44 EDT From: Tim J Nafziger Subject: Dangerous Virus!!! Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes. It attacks DOS, Win95, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, VHS, and BetaMax systems. To prevent the spread of the worm: 1) Don't use the powerline. 2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.) 3) Don't upload or download files. 4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks. 5) Don't read messages. Not even this one! 6) Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines. 7) Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers. 8) Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes. 9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel. I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 23:13:26 -0400 From: Marianne De Shazo Subject: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson (Squeaky Clean) Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent. Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No Watson, it's simplier: it just means that somebody has stolen our tent." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 23:37:27 -0400 From: Michael Pollak Subject: Shakespeare put to the test "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." --Professor Robert Silensky of California University ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 08:48:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: pop quiz >Sent From: kheebner@juno.com (Ken Heebner) Here is a little test you might like to take. 20 Correct - Genius 17 Correct - Above Normal 15 Correct - Normal 8 Correct - Nincompoop 6 Correct - Moron 3 Correct - Idiot ****************** Questions **************** 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? 5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? 6. How many outs are there in an inning? 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why? 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? 14. How far can a dog run into the woods? 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? 19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 20. What was the President's name in 1950? ****************** Answers **************** 1. Yes 2. One 3. All of them (12) 4. The beggar is her sister. 5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. 6. 6 7. No - because he is dead. 8. They aren't playing each other. 9. 70 10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear. 11. 2 12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (one is a nickel, the other is not) 13. The match. 14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods. 15. 1 Hour 16. 9 17. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses. 18. Meat 19. 12 20. Same as it is now. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . CHEWIE:"Ack! Ack!" LUKE:"What's wrong?!" HAN:"Hairball" ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Apr 1997 06:20:02 0 From: Alan Campbell Subject: trouble with radar >From "The News Quiz", BBC 4, 12 Apr 1997: quoting an item in a paper, details not heard: Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for speeding cars with there mobile radar equipment when their equipment appeared to malfunction; it began to clock a speeder at 3000 mph.... All was revealed a few seconds later when a low flying Harrier junpjet screamed over head. Police registered a complaint regarding damaged radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defence). The MOD replied that the damage could have been worse: the Harrier's defence systems had latched onto the radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive strike made before the pilot decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlilkely along the motorways of northern England... Yours, Alan Campbell BRIGHTON, UK >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> +++++ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1997 to 13 Apr 1997 ************************************************