There are 14 messages totalling 660 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Moore Misc Jokes 2. The Farmer's Bull 3. Less Common Latin Phrases (2 of 2) 4. Portable Bidet 5. Quotes & Stuff 6. Take That! 7. Impotence 8. Alligator in Bar Joke 9. Humor - OUCH! 10. A family disaster caused by a cow! 11. (Turkish) karga ile esssek! 12. Name Change 13. Random useless thoughts 14. TOP TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS CHARACTERS AND GEAR WOULD KICK ASS IN STAR TREK ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 02:27:54 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore Misc Jokes * After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights & found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself, returning in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a record whirl-wind courtship, by the hand & tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way." - - - - - * Just heard about a guy on the Net who's terribly indiscreet, yet so rich, he really doesn't give a damn. I understand that he starts out each of his torid e-mail letters to his sweethearts with "My Darling, and Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury..." - - - - - * I swear, I just gotta keep my mind on where I am, and what I'm doing. I came home the other nite, after a long, hectic day at work. I was sitting in the easy chair having a stiff drink and just beginning to unwind, unfinshed office work still on my mind. My wife called from the top of stairs that she had seen the prettiest lil' dress today for only $450, and was it OK if she bought it. Half thinking, I replied, "Well, alrite I guess, but let's finish this dictation first." - - - - - * These days so many truly beautiful women are spoiling their natural attractiveness by using all those damn four letter words: like -- "nope", "don't", "stop", "quit", "can't" and "won't". - - - - - * "Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?" He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 04:40:53 -0800 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: The Farmer's Bull My escort climbed a fence into a small field to gather me some particularly lovely wild flowers while I waited in the car. Suddenly he called excitedly to a farmer hoeing tobacco in the next field: "Hey! Is this bull over here safe?" "Well," said the farmer composedly, "he's a dern sight safer'n you are." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 07:42:30 -0500 From: Joshua Ostroff Subject: Less Common Latin Phrases (2 of 2) The exciting conclusion! Quo signo nata es? What's your sign? Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. You know, the Romans invented the art of love. O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm! Spero nos familiares mansuros. I hope we'll still be friends. Mellita, domi adsum. Honey, I'm home. Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio. I am as dead as the nehru jacket. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. Totum dependeat. Let it all hang out. Te precor dulcissime supplex! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Magister Mundi sum! I am the Master of the Universe! Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon! Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Prehende uxorem meam, sis! Take my wife, please! Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui. That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor. Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est. Yes, that is a very large amount of corn. Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business. Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras! I forgot to polish the clocks! Vescere bracis meis. Eat my shorts. Sic faciunt omnes. Everyone is doing it. Vacca foeda Stupid cow Fac ut vivas. Get a life. Raptus regaliter Royally screwed Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus! Let's all wear mood rings! Insula Gilliganis Gilligan's Island ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 12:52:42 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Portable Bidet On the go and need to go? TOKYO (CNN) -- The Japanese interest in hygiene does not seem to extend to public toilets, which are no cleaner than anywhere else in the world. Ergo, the portable bidet. Matsushita Battery Industrial's portable plumbing needs little assembly, weighs about 10 ounces with batteries, and costs about half as much as previously-developed types. For anyone who doesn't know, a bidet is not the flushing kind of plumbing but the cleaning kind. The mechanics are simple. Water to cleanse the posterior is squirted through a collapsible nozzle, and water pressure can be adjusted. But the experience can be trying for the first-time user, and caution is advised. "I've often heard that first-time users find it scary to use. Others are afraid they may get wet," said Keiko Takura of Matsushita Battery's projects department. "But if you begin with the low water-pressure function first and then move up as you get used to it, even first-time users find it convenient." Matsushita Battery currently has no plans to market its portable plumbing internationally, though it believes countries such as France, where the bidet is already part of the cultural landscape, may be interested. Reuters contributed to this report. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:31:39 -0800 From: Jay Harman Subject: Quotes & Stuff "The further backward you look, the further forward you can see." * Winston Churchill * "In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." * Kathy Norris * "I went around the world last year, andyou want to know something? It hates each other." * Edward J. Mannix * "In 1950, the Unites States' perentage of world motor vehicle production was 76 percent. In 1994, it was 25 percent." * The World Almanac and Book of Facts, 1996 * "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's about $7.00 in dog money." * Joe Weinstein * More Americans..... - make computers than all forms of transport - work in accounting firms than in the whole energy industry - work in biotechnology than machine tools - work in the movie industry than the automotive industry * Nuala Beck, Shifting Gears: Thriving In The New Economy * "Don't go around saying the world owes you a liing; the world owes you nothing; it was here first." * Mark Twain * "Don't ever get your speedometer and your clock confused, like I once did, because the faster you go, the later you think you are." * Jack Handey, of Saturday Night Live in Deepest Thoughts: So Deep They Squeak * A Look At Product Life Cycles: - In 1990, automobiles took six years from concept to production. Today they take two years. - Most of Hewlett-Packard's revenues come from products that didn't exist a year ago. - 90% of Miller's revenues come from beers that didn't exist 24 months ago. * Don Tappscott, The Digital Economy * "Ever notice how irons have a setting for 'permanent' press? I don't get it...." * Steven Wright * By 1995 personal computers were in 37 percent of American households. In that year more money was spent buying PCs that TV sets. * The World Almanac and Book of Facts, 1996 * In 1995 the Internet handled more mail than the 177 billion pieces that went through the U.S. Postal Service. * Todd Copilevitz, "The E-Mail/Snail Mail Debate," Dallas Morning News, April 28, 1996 Only 20 years ago there were 50,000 computers in the world; now that many are being installed daily.... There will be a billion people on the Net by the end of the decade. * Don Tapscott, The Digital Economy * All of the above from Price Prichard's "MINDshift", The Employee Handbook for Understanding the Changing World of Work ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 16:27:13 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Take That! A friend of mine (I'll call him JM) sent the following piece to me. JM's a recovering paronomastic and as a part of his 13 step program (he's in PA!) he is supposed to seek public censure for his behavior. Please send your intemperate responses to me and I shall pass them along to him. Harry Styne, PI: A Korean Caper by J.M. It ain't the usual thing for me to have such a classy, rich broad in my office, but there she sat, big as life, Clair Boothe Luce. "I need you to find one of my reporters," she said, "He's lost somewhere in Korea. We sent him there to take photos for the magazine, but haven't heard from him in weeks. He's a diabetic and, on top of that, a son of Syngman Rhee so there may be political implications. We're all very worried about Sirtun, can you find him?" "So, the guy's name is Sirtun Rhee," I said, barely supressing a loud "NYUCK, NYUCK, NYUCK", "And he works for your Life bureau over there. Well, I'll see what I can do, but maybe you better hire me on as a "reporter" for one of your more obscure publications sos I'll have a cover story." She agreed and fixed me up as a stringer for Time magazine. I caught the next train outta 'Frisco and headed for Korea. The trip was uneventful, but the border guards hassled me when I tried to get into the country. They were ready to throw me in the slammer until I flashed my press credentials at them. Once I got clear of the cops I looked up this femme PI I'd worked with before. Excel's her name, Hundai Excel. She's never been all that reliable --doesn't seem to have all of her cylinders in synch if you know what I mean-- but she's got a set of headlights that are anything but dim. I told her about the tough time I'd had getting into the country. "Whew, that was close, Harry," she opined, "reminds me of that old adage: a niche in Time saves Styne. So, who's the missing per' yer lookin' for?" "Sirtun Rhee," I replied. "NYUCK, NYUCK, NYUCK" "Knock it off, Hundai, this is important!" "OK, Harry, I'll put the word on the streets, but you gotta help me in exchange." I agreed. She made several phone calls and then we did lunch at the local EJ Korvette's. {ED. NOTE: Yeah, that one is obscure!!!!} "So, what's your case, Hundai?" "Harry, we're baffled. Stolen antique teakwood chess pieces from the Chan Dynasty. Same MO each time. All we got to go on is footprints from a kid in basketball sneakers and some strange fibers," she said. She hands me the fibers and I give them a hard look. "Ah, ha, ursine!", I shouted. "It ain't Virgo, babe." "No, no, Hundai. What ya got here is bear fur. Ya wanna look for a boy-foot bear with the teaks of Chan!" She was too startled to reply. Then her cell phone rang. "Yeah," she said, "He's the one. Give me the address again." She scrawled it on her napkin and we headed out the door. We jumped into her Yugo and took off. The address turned out to be a Diabetic Rehab Unit. After some wrangling with the staff we got Sirtun's room number and made our way to it. I opened the door and there he was on the edge of his bed. I was overcome and burst into song. "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 16:30:29 -0800 From: "William E. Grover" Subject: Impotence A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire,shook his rattle,and danced wildly. When he was through he said,"I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had. After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year." Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife,"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life,larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,"That's great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 17:58:55 PST From: Elvis Is Dead Subject: Alligator in Bar Joke A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here, it's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!" However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?" "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist, bam, bam, bam. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam. And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his penis and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE!" Bam, bam, bam. As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guy's penis off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam, and the alligator's mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, "now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard". ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 19:03:33 -0500 From: Mark J Scheller Subject: Humor - OUCH! >> There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then >>> captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that >>> they could live if they pass the trial. >>> >>> First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and >>> get 10 fruits of the same kind. So all three men went separate ways to >>> gather fruits. >>> >>> The first one came back and said to the king " I brought 10 apples." >>> The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits >>> up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. >>> >>> The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, >>> so he was killed and went to heaven. >>> >>> The second one arrives and shows the king his 10 fruits were berries. >>> When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that >>> this should be easy. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. on the ninth berry he >>> burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. >>> >>> The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. the first one asked " >>> why did you laugh, you almost got away with it ". >>> >>> The second one replied" I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy >>> brought watermelons." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 16:49:26 +0800 From: Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY> Subject: A family disaster caused by a cow! One day, mother sees that the cow in their farm is laying dead on the ground. She gets so worried and upset. She ponders how she would get the milk, butter. And she commits suicide. Some time later, father gets up. Witnesses the situation. cow is dead which was their livelihood. His wife is dead too. He commits suicide by hanging himself up. Eldest kid of the family wakes up. witnesses the situation as well. gets upset. rushes to the river to jump in to commit suicide. right before he jumps in a mermaid shows up: - why do you want to commit suicide? - my family had a disaster, i can't live with that - if you give me five shots, I will recover your family from disaster He tries. one, two, three, four. but he can't accomplish fifth. and he commits suicide Same thing goes for middle brother. He comes nearby river to commit suicide. Mermaid asks him for ten shots. Middle one tries one, two three,... seven, eight, nine , but he can't accomplish the mission either. He commits suicide too. Lastly, smallest kid inthe family comes nearby the river to commit suicide. Mermaid asks him for fifteen shots. boy responds: - 15 shots is not much, how about 20? She feels little surprised but excited:- That would be nice. Boy says:- no,no. how about 35? Mermaid feels hornier: -that will be fantastic! boy says:-how about 35? Mermaid is startled by the number, but she can't hide her interest: -that will be wonderfull! BOy says: but promise me that YOU WON'T DIE LIKE THAT COW IN OUR FARM. Mermaid: ????????? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 16:51:12 +0800 From: Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY> Subject: (Turkish) karga ile esssek! Hikaye bu ya , Essek ile karga ayni ucaktalarmis. Bir ara karga hostesi cagirmak icin dugmeye basar. Hostes gelir: -Buyrun efendim ne istemistiniz? -Hiiiic! Ibnelik olsun diye bastim dugmeye Hostes bozuntuya vermek istemez ve yerine doner. Aradan bes dakika gecer karga yeniden dugmeye basar. Hostes hemen damlar: - Buyrun efendim, ne arzu etmistiniz? - Hiiiic! Ibnelik olsun diye bastim. Hostes iyice bozulur. Kaptan pilota durumu bildirir. Pilot da durumu idare etmesini soyler.. Karga dugmeye tekrar basar. Hostes gelir. : -buyrun efendim? -hiiiic! sadece ibnelik olsun diye bastim. Hostess iyice kizar. tekrar pilota durumu aktarir. pilot da sinirlenip: -bundan sonra ibnelik olsun diye cagirma dugmesine basani ucaktan atin. O ara Esek de olaydan hoslanir ve cagirma dugmesine basar.hostes gelir. -buyrun efendim ne istemistiniz? - hiiic! sadece ibnelik olsun diye bastim. Hostes intikam sevinciyle digerhosterlere gostererek: -atin sunu disariya. Esek telaslanir. -ya nasil olur, karga bir saattir dugmeye basip duruyor, ona bir sey yapmiyorsunuz da niye beni atiyorsunuz. Karga soyle geriye dogru kafasini hafiften cevirip, kis kis gulerek seslenir: -madem ucma bilmiyordun niye ibnelik yapiyorsun. [ufaktan bir kahkaha duyar gibiyim.] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 17:29:37 +0000 From: "F.I. Goldhaber" Subject: Name Change An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing. The director asked the young man his name. "Penis van Lesibian," the man replied proudly. "Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that." "Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage." "Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business." The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street. "Do you remember me," asked the young man? "Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to." "Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since." "I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?" "Dick van Dyke." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 19:44:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Random useless thoughts Random useless thoughts - author unknown: What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Urinalysis: The study of Pissed Off People. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 00:30:07 -0500 From: Ken Wood Subject: TOP TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS CHARACTERS AND GEAR WOULD KICK ASS IN STAR TREK TOP TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS CHARACTERS AND GEAR WOULD KICK ASS IN STAR TREK - 10. In Star Wars, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun". 9. The Enterprise needs a big engineering section with an anti-matter unit and normally requires a large crew to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie. 8. After resisting torture from an Imperial interrogation droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. 7. One word: Lightsabers. 6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective to death with a single glance and a gesture. 5. The Death Star doesn't give a shit if a world is "Class M" or not. 4. Luke Skywalker isn't obsessed with fucking every alien chick he encounters (just his twin sister). 3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. 2. The United Federation of Planets would be in for a big surprise when trying to liberate any ship named "Slave I". 1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid fields at 1/4 impulse power. Han Solo floors it. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1997 to 5 Feb 1997 **********************************************