From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 21 Sep 1993 There are 13 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 2. Baby humor 3. Use as Required (Rated PG - Language) 4. regionalism 5. Wisdom 6. Clean jokes - elephants from the past 7. Stupid Things (G) 8. :-) 9. Lightening Up at Work 10. Gay joke, language 11. cute obscenity (how oxymoronic!) 12. Re: Clean jokes - elephants from the past 13. Blonde Jokes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 12:05:11 GMT+10 From: GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS Subject: heres one to cheer up poor old tyler their was this lady who had a baby and when the baby was born it was born without any eyelids the doctor said look dont worry about a thing we havent circumcised him yet so we will use the extra skin to give him a set of eyelids she said WHAT hell be cockeyed the doctor said dont worry about a thing think of the foresight hell have ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 12:29:27 GMT+10 From: BARREL Subject: Baby humor Hello trend setters heres a couple of baby jokes for ya Q:whats the difference between a black baby and a white a baby? A:two minutes in the microwave Q:whats more fun than swinging a baby on a clothes line? A:stoping it with a shovel Q:whats the definition of gross? A:a hundred dead babies pilled on top of each other Q:whats even worse? A:a live one at the bottom eating its way out Q:whats the difference between a truck load off sand and a truck load of Babies? A:you can't load a truck load of sand with a pitch fork ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 06:58:25 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Use as Required (Rated PG - Language) Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole is awarded to ___________________________________ In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own Mind. To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction. If Anyone, For Any Reason, Doubts Your Status, JUST BE YOURSELF! ____________________ ____________________________ Dated ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 31 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 08:29:07 CDT From: Ed Subject: regionalism Speaking of regionalisms, I've made my share of mistakes as a dumb Californian coming to study at the University of Alabama. As classes started in the fall a year ago, I recall reading the headline in _The Tuscaloosa News_ that "SEC comes to town." I couldn't imagine what would bring the securities and exchange commission to town. As every good Californian knows, "Ole" is a Spanish cheer, so I figured that that university over in the next state--Ole Miss--must be some sort of Spanish or Mexican school. Then there was the time I asked for a knife and folk at Dreamland, the nation- ally acclaimed Tuscaloosa bar-b-que resturant. The waiter just looked at me like, "You poor Yankee, you don't even know how to eat bar-b-que." Then there's the first time I encountered a word with two hyphones, as in "Y'all've done good." I love it down here, but it isn't always easy decoding the culture. ___________________________________________________________________ | | | | Ed Johnson | "...of making many books there is | | Dept. of Mass Comm. | no end; and much study is a weari- | | University of Alabama | ness of the flesh." | | Tuscaloosa, AL 35487 | --Ecclesiastes 12:12 | | | | |_________________________|________________________________________| ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 11:28:51 EST From: Theresa Muir Subject: Wisdom Apologies to those of you who've heard this anecdote before, but there is such Yogi-Berra-esque wisdom in it, IMHO, it is worth posting. It also tickles me. As a young man, the pop singer, Tony Bennett was talking to the great Louis Armstrong, worrying about all the conflicting advice he was getting about vocal maintenance and technique. In his unique gravelly voice, Satchmo roared, "DON'T LISTEN TO _*NOBODY*_!!! DO LIKE _*I*_ DO!!! Theresa ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 10:44:19 -0600 From: NAME Subject: Clean jokes - elephants from the past What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? Here come the elephants over the hill. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses? Nothing. He didn't recognize them. Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes? Because white ones get dirty too fast. Why do elephants float down the river on their backs? So they won't get their tennis shoes wet. Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles? Because their tennis shoes are too tight. (from The Elephant Book - Price/Stern/Sloan) ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 11:33:23 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Stupid Things (G) There's a new book out called "The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said," by Ross and Kathryn Petras; Doubleday ($8.99). Some highlights: "I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first." - George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back. "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." - Vice President Dan Quayle "I must have had ambrosia." - Milwaukee Brewers' Jim Gantner, explaining why he forgot to appear on a talk show. "We're finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control." - Arizona Sen. Dennis DeConcini, on a balanced-budget amendment. "You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." - President Gerald Ford "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields "You've got to take the bull by the teeth." - Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 12:51:06 CDT From: Ed Johnson Subject: :-) Q: What's gray and sings calypso? A: Herry Elephant`e. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 17:06:48 EDT From: BETH WOODELL Subject: Lightening Up at Work We are in the process of moving offices, and in the course of cleaning out my desk I came across a newsletter from my HMO. The cover story that month was how to keep the mood light in the workplace. This was reprinted from The Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, NY. o One company lightens up by serving ice cream cones at the beginning of each meeting. It's hard to yell at someone who's licking an ice cream cone, and ice cream cones seem to bring everyone down to the same level. o The door of the president of one company is always open to employees with complaints. But if you come in with a complaint you're required to SING it. o One company gives a standing ovation at any time to any employee who asks for one. o Another company bans coats and ties at meetings. All meeting partici- pants must don loud Hawaiian shirts from a rack outside the meeting room. o One company names cafeteria dishes after its employees. (NB: We do that here at umuc.umd too--the menu does change monthly, though. So, for example, pasta primavera with shrimp might be dubbed "the Beth Woodell Special.") o Do you have a love-hate relationship with your computer? Name it. It helps to be able to say "Fred is acting up" or "Ethel isn't cooperating today." o Try looking at a frustrating work situation as a TV sitcom or home video episode. They say that when you can laugh at a situation, the problem's half-solved. Brought to you today by the letters B and W.... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 17:20:12 EDT From: Tyler Haulenbeek Subject: Gay joke, language There were two big, burly, beer-guzzling men sitting at a bar, watching a football game. They were whooping it up, having a good ol' time. Another smaller man was also watching the game. Anyway, there was a particularly violent sack tackle in the game, and the two big guys start yelling, "YES, KICK HIS ASS! HAHAHA! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!" The little guy looks up, and says in a particularly feminine voice, "Well, that was a bit rough." The two big guys looked at him and laughed and went back to the game. Another bone-crushing tackle. "ALL RIGHT! RIP HIS FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!" yelled the two burly men. "OOOOH, that had to thmart," lisped the small guy. This went on for quite a while. Finally, one of the big guys goes up to the little guy and says, "HEY, PANSY! WE DON'T LIKE YOUR KIND IN HERE! GET OUT!" The little guy says, "No. I'm watching the game. If I beat you in a drinking game, can I stay?" "YOU BEAT ME? RIGHT. SURE! WHAT GAME?" "Bar football. For a touchdown, you have to chug a beer. For the extra point, you pull your pants down and fart." "SURE, WHAT THE HELL. YOU FIRST, YA TULIP!" So the little guy sucks down his beer, pulls down his pants and farts. "Oh goodie, it's 7-0! You're turn." So the big guy sucks down his beer. As he goes for the extra point, the little guy pulls down HIS pants and yells, "BLOCK THAT KICK!!!" Get it? Good. -Tyler ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 18:40:34 EDT From: Debra Ortiz Subject: cute obscenity (how oxymoronic!) Three men came to the same bar every day and bragged on the size of their penii (penises?). Every day it was the same thing--"Mine's bigger than yours!" "Hell no, mine's so big that. . ." "You're all full of shit. Mine's the biggest that has ever. . ." Well, after weeks of this, the bartender had heard about all he could stand. He told the men, "Listen. I'm sick and tired of all this crap. We'll settle the argument right now, once and for all. I want all three of you to come up to the bar and lay your organs across it. I'll measure the damned things." So, the three men unzipped their pants and laid their "manhoods" across the bar. About that time, another customer walks into the bar and sees the men. The bartender sees him and asks him "Hey Buddy, What can I get you to drink?" The man looks at the three men with their cocks laid out on the bar nd says, "Oh, nothing thanks. I'll just have the buffet." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 20:54:48 -0400 From: Charlotte Haas Subject: Re: Clean jokes - elephants from the past On Tue, 21 Sep 1993, NAME wrote: > What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? > Here come the elephants over the hill. > > What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing > dark glasses? > Nothing. He didn't recognize them. Hey, you forgot the last part of the joke... What did Tarzan say the next day when he saw a herd of giraffes comming over the hill? Dammed elephants not fool Tarzan today! ========== ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1993 21:49:02 EDT From: Tim Bond Subject: Blonde Jokes This is how I've heard it: Why are blonde jokes so short? So *Brunettes* can remember them! and here's one I hadn't heard before: Why do blondes get a headache when they make orange juice? Because the can says "Concentrate"! ========== ------------------------------