From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 25 Jul 1993 There are 7 messages totalling 291 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Fishing (G) 2. Subway Sign (G) 3. An Army Daffy-nition (Rated G) 4. So Long Saddam 5. 2 lawyer jokes (PG-13 Little bit of sexual content) 6. Poly-linguistic humor from EUNET 7. Australian jokes ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 11:21:13 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Fishing (G) Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. "Oh yes," he said. "They're my friends." "In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!" "Yes, sir," the man replied, and he began rowing furiously. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 11:19:30 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Subway Sign (G) Sign on a subway wall: "Life is one contradiction after another." Written underneath: "No it's not." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 02:19:37 EDT From: Charlie Hill Subject: An Army Daffy-nition (Rated G) I learned this while attending an Army school. I do not know who the author is. THE ARMY'S DEFINITION OF A COW A COW IS A COMPLETELY AUTOMATED MILK MANUFACTURING MACHINE. IT'S ENCASED IN UNTANNED LEATHER AND MOUNTED ON FOUR VERTICAL MOVEABLE SUPPORTS, ONE ON EACH CORNER. THE FRONT END CONTAINS: THE CUTTING AND GRINDING MECHANISM, AS WELL AS, LIGHT SENSORS, AIR INLET AND EXHAUST, BUMPER AND A FOG HORN. THE REAR END CONTAINS: THE DISPENSING APPARATUS AND AUTOMATIC FLY SWATTER. THE CENTRAL SECTION HOUSES AN HYDRO-CHEMICAL CONVERSION PLANT. THIS CONSISTS OF FOUR FERMENTATION AND STORAGE TANKS, AN INTE- GRATED NETWORK, WHICH IS CONNECTED TO THE REAR DISPENSING UNIT. IN BRIEF THE EXTREMELY VISIBLE FEATURES ARE; 2 LOOKERS, 2 HOOKERS, 4 STANDER-UPPERS, 4 HANGER-DOWNERS AND A SWISSY-WISSY. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 19:35:30 -0400 From: Byron Lanning Subject: So Long Saddam ANTI-HUSSEIN MISSILE By bjlanning@delphi.com WASHINGTON, July 22 (PETER FUNK PRESS). According to Pentagon sources, Saddam Hussein's ability to agitate the US will soon come to an end, for the US Air Force has developed a new intelligent cruise missile, which has the capability to hunt down Hussein. When this new missile finds Hussein, it will fly down his pants, and detonate. Pentagon sources say this new cruise missile has more intelligence than any previous missile and, according to some military experts, more intelligence than many Air Force generals. It knows all of Hussein's habits, all the places he frequents. It can recognize Hussein's moustache from an altitude of 2,500 meters. It knows the phone numbers of all his girlfriends and their measurements. The missile not only the has stealth capability to evade radar it also has the voice capability to hide its true identity. When it has to fly low, it yells to the Iraqi people in a calm reassuring electronic voice,"Don't pay any attention to me. I am just an Iraqi agriculture experiment." If it has to fly near ground level, it can ask the Iraqi people questions as, "Can you watch my luggage for a moment?" so the missile will seem like a tourist. The missile also can process simple information. If the missile becomes confused and can't find Hussein, it can descend to the ground, stop in flight and ask an Iraqi, "Hey, have you seen Saddam Hussein around here?" Even if it runs out of fuel, it still has the capacity to hunt Hussein. The Air Force has given it the ability to hail a taxi, get in the back seat, and tell the driver, "Take me to Saddam Hussein and step on it." The US Air Force has not deployed the weapon as yet. It still has a few glitches. For instance, when the Air Force tested the missile at the White Sands Missile Range for its proficiency at hailing taxis, the missile ignored the Air Force's simulated taxi cab and flew off the missile range into the city of Alamogordo, where it hailed the city's taxi cab, ordering the driver to take it to Saddam Hussein. The taxi cab driver, who had driven a cab in Alamogordo for twenty years and had seen every strange behavior a missile could possibly commit, recognized immediately that the missile suffered from a technical problem. He decided to take advantage of the situation and told the missile Saddam Hussein lived in New York City. He then drove the missile to New York City by way of the state of Washington, costing the Air Force $33,914.57 in cab fare. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 20:34:41 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: 2 lawyer jokes (PG-13 Little bit of sexual content) There was a lady-lawyer (not an oxymoron) who is a legend at Texas Tech's law school. In a moot court (students playing lawyer for those of you not subjected to three years of being taught to be a**holes) this product of the West Texas desert was asked if she thought all rapist should be hung. Her straight-forward reply was that to be guilty of the offense, he would have to be hung to some extent. ============== Several female law students had grown sick and tired of the derogatory comments made about women by their Criminal Law Professor in class, so they decided that the next time he made such a comment they would get up together and walk out of class in protest. A fellow student who overheard the students planing their protest told the professor in order to gain a few brownie points told the professor of their plans. The next day the professor was discussing how in our legal system many things are illegal in the United States that are not only legal, but respectable elsewhere. While looking directly at the group of women, he then commented that in France prostitution is an honored profession and many of the women in this class would probably have elected to become whores rather than attorneys because of the comparable pay. At that moment the women jumped up in there anger and started to storm out of the lecture hall. The professor watched them innocently and then called out as they reached the door, "Ladies where are you going? The next plane for Paris doesn't leave till tomorrow morning." ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 21:13:14 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Poly-linguistic humor from EUNET From: mccauleyba@vax1.bham.ac.uk (Brian McCauley) Date: 15 Jun 93 19:47:15 GMT Organization: University of Birmingham An English man uses a rubber to erase mistakes in pencil, while an American uses it for that which an Engish man would use Durex. Meanwhile the Australian uses Durex for that which and American would use Scotch Tape. (The Engishman puts Scotch (3M) tape in his VCR). Also I've often wondered what French speakers think when they come to the UK in January and find "Sale" plastered all over all the shops - perhaps they think it's appropriate. Finally its not strictly poly-linual but I was greatly ammused to read in the fire saftey notices in a Finnish ski lodge that in the event of being trapped in your room by fire you should "Expose yourself in the window". --- From: aw1@stade.co.uk (Adrian Wontroba) Organization: Stade Computers Limited, UK Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:20:43 GMT UK's very own computer company (ICL) tried to market a disk drive called MEDS in South Africa, where apparently Meds was the leading brand of female sanitary tampon. --- From: mikec@spider.co.uk (Mike Coren) Date: 16 Jun 93 17:40:05 GMT Organization: Spider Systems Limited, Edinburgh, UK. Let's not forget about the computer company, Wang. A friend from High School whose father sold Wang computers used to have a T-shirt which said "My WANG Never Goes Down." (Wang is American slang for penis) --- From: markc@compnews.co.uk (Mark Cooper) Date: 17 Jun 1993 00:02:10 GMT Organization: Computer Newspaper Services, Howden, UK. Lurking in the fortunes files on Sun OS UNIX is some stuff about Coca-Cola in China. It seems that over there, depending on how you say it (remember the Chinese have a tonal language), it can mean "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole"... ...and then there's the one about Colgate in certain Latin American countries, where it means "hang yourself" --- From: euaaen@eua.ericsson.se (Anders Engwall) Organization: Ellemtel Telecom Systems Labs, Stockholm, Sweden Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1993 10:26:50 GMT Then there's this Swedish cookie manufacturer called 'Pricks'... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1993 22:47:16 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Australian jokes If you could get some Jews to wander in the desert for forty years by dropping dimes, what would it take to get twenty million Australians to do the same? A case of beer buried in the same desert. +++ The Australians have replaced "God Save the Queen" with a new national anthem: It goes "A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beers ..." +++ In Britain they have the House of Lords and the House of Commons-- In Australia they have a brothel and a garbage can. +++ What do you call an Australian with an IQ of twenty? Tasmanian. +++ And with an IQ above one hundred? An aborigine. +++ They have a new poster out to build Australian pride. It says: Australia--Land of Strong Men (and Nervous Sheep) +++ What's a Tasmanian devil? An Australian in heat. +++ Australian bumper sticker: Western Australia, we're doing it! (with sheep) +++ ========== ------------------------------