From: Doug Harter's Initial Logs Processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 6 May 1993 There are 15 messages totalling 373 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Classroom humor...PG13.4...only idiots will be upset 2. Stress 3. Late Student 4. Light Bulbs & Men 5. Top 10 6. dog-vs-fox pg 7. Computer Jokes - G 8. Any colloquialisms out there? 9. Re: Any colloquialisms out there? 10. Dumb Men Jokes 11. 12. license plates 13. colloquialisms..hmmmm How bout this? 14. Another Waco joke 15. chiste cubano (One obscenity) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 08:25:00 CST From: "Paul E. Gray" Subject: Classroom humor...PG13.4...only idiots will be upset Teaching an 8:00AM class requires inspiration, especially when one or more students consistently have difficulty getting out of bed and getting to class on time. Fall Semester was no exception. I listened repeatedly to the explanation by one young man, "But snoozing after shutting off the alarm causes me to be late." An unacceptable excuse, in my opinion. I suggested experimentation with a new version of the alarm clock: a simple device--a piece of string, one end of which is attached to a rock. The other end is tied to the most prized part of his body, with the directive that at the same time he reachs to turn the alarm off, he should throw the rock across the room. This would insure his on-time arrival to class. The class accepted the new invention, and tardiness diminished. But in two weeks the same young man was late again. When queried, he smiled and replied, "The string slipped off." The class roared and I, being inspired, returned to lecturing as to how convolution is used to introduce the idea of the network transfer function. Paul Gray, SHORT CIRCUIT GROUP ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 11:01:26 EST From: DEBBIE NELSON Subject: Stress HOW TO HANDLE STRESS - Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. - Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. - Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. - When someone says "Have a good day!", tell them that you have other plans. - Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. - Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a "candygram." - Make a list of things to do that you've already done. - Dance naked in front of your pets. - Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing's wrong. - Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals. - Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead. - Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch them from high places. - Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. - Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. - Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' significant other. - Pay your electric bill in pennies. - Drive to work in reverse. - Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important finance meeting. - Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail. - Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out. - Polish your car with ear wax. - Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. - Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to your. - Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room. - Braid the hair in each nostril. - Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup. - Lie on your back eating celery...using your navel as a salt dipper. - Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. - Make up a language and ask for directions. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 11:53:08 -0500 From: Jenny Jacobson Subject: Late Student This actually happened when I was a student in Computer Science. This class was Compiler Theory. It was hard to understand the material. And the professor was a foreign person affectionately called Allie. He'd come to class and would lecture off the top of his head. It was frustrating to listen in class to words that didn't make any sense -- Allie's lectures contained much computer terminology with a foreign accent. One day, Allie opened the early morning class talking about his boyhood. He said that in his country, they opened each school day with prayer. Allie asked if we would like to hear these prayers. Of course we said yes and attentively listened - to show reverence and respect. During Allie's recitation of Arabic/Hindu (?) prayers, in walks David - late to class. Seeing that everyone was quiet and glued to Allie's every word, he quietly took his seat. When Allie finished, he smiled and was about to ask David a question. David responded, "We must have started a new chapter." (laughter). Jenny Jacobson JACOBSVJ@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 14:09:20 EDT From: "Christine M. Chiesa" Subject: Light Bulbs & Men Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 13:50:23 CDT From: bkr@BEEKER.PPCO.COM Subject: Top 10 Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women 1. Dogs are ready to go out when you are 2. Dogs will sleep on the floor beside the bed 3. Dogs don't ask to borrow the bathroom and spend the rest of the day in there. 4. Dogs don't know what a credit card is. 5. Dogs can pee on walls. 6. Dogs only have "that time" twice a year 7. You can train a dog by hitting it across the nose with a newspaper. 8. Dogs don't care if you fart. 9. Dogs don't lie about how much they weigh 10. When you stay out late and bring the dog a bone...it's happy 11. You can reason with your dog all month long (see 6) 12. Dogs only need to use the bathroom twice a day 13. Two dogs will sleep with you at once. 14. Dogs will wear collars with fake diamonds. 15. Dogs will like your friends. To the women out there already putting fingers to the keyboard...please do not send the old pickle and beer lists. We have already seen them. BK Rogers Phillips Petroleum Company (918) 661-1986 Bartlesville, OK 74004 Internet bkr@ppco.com Compuserv 75140,2366 Another fine product from Gizmonic.... ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 14:28:01 CST From: Gregory Warner Subject: dog-vs-fox pg Q. Whats the difference between a dog and a fox? A. About six beers! G-WARN Gregory J Warner Operations Analyst bitnet: G-Warn@uminn1 internet:G-Warn@vm1.spcs.umn.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 15:53:42 -0400 From: Mike Thompson Subject: Computer Jokes - G Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with a vampire? A: An autoexec bat ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 13:58:00 -0500 From: Eric Schmidt Subject: Any colloquialisms out there? 'Wonder if anybody might have some of these to pass on? "That boy's about one taco shy of the combination platter." " " " about a bubble of bead" " " " about two bricks shy of a load" " " " elevator don't reach the top floor" " " " mind's about as straight as the Burma Road" " " " about as funny as a turd in a punch bowl" Etc...etc...most of these are pretty old or dumb, but y'all might have some that are fresher and funnier. I do like the one about the taco though. By the way... Q: What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist? A: A Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store. *I'm a Protestant too, so please, no flames this time* E. Schmidt ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 23:00:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066" Subject: Re: Any colloquialisms out there? My favorite is "...one six-pack shy of a case." Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 18:19:33 EST From: Tracey Owens Subject: Dumb Men Jokes This appeared in the August 10, 1992 issue of Newsweek: Just Deserts Now, in this year of the woman, come Dumb Man jokes -- a fax sheet circulating among femal members of Congrees bears the following examples: * What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds Mature * How do you force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his legs. *What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack. *Why is it a good thing there are female astronauts? So someone will ask directions if the crew gets lost in space. * What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 20:08:00 EDT From: Mark O'Marra Subject: Q. What do you call two skunks doing a 69?? A. odor eaters A husband decides to take a vacation to florida without his wife. While walking on the beach on day he stumbles upon an old "oil lamp", and while rubbing off the sand POOF this jennie pops out from nowhere. The jennie takes one look at the guy and says " You're married aren't you?" the husband replies "yes". the jennie being domestically in the 90's says " Ok I'll grant you 3 wishes BUT, your wife gets DOUBLE what you wish for". So the married guys' first wish is: " One million dollars in cash" and POOF right their on the beach One million dollars appears from nowhere! and at that instant, you guessed it, back home Two million dollars appears out of nowhere on the kitchen floor to his wife's amazement. So the guys' second wish: " to be surrounded by 8 gorgeous women at all times". And POOF on the beach appear 8 gorgeous women in bathing suits. and at that instant, did you guess it? 16 handsome men appear from nowhere wearing nothing but skimpy bathing suits standing their in the kitchen with 2 million dollars in cash and the guys' wife in total dis-belief. so the jennie says this is your final wish so choose carefully, so the guy the thinks carefully and says " Jennie I wish you would 1/2 beat me to death". ha! HA! Mark O'Marra Ferris state university sunny and 80 degrees ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 20:12:13 -0400 From: Ethan King Subject: license plates 4 NIK 8 -- a nymphomaniac's license plate NE1 469 -- a despirate nymphomaniac's license plate {--- HINT --- NE1 is one word & 469 is two words ----} ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 21:11:51 EDT From: Scuzball Hacker Subject: colloquialisms..hmmmm How bout this? How bout these? "That women is as tight as a crabs hind end, and that's waterproof." ====== The Scuzball Hacker BitNET: F001@FERRIS Computer Information System Major SysOp of Ferris State's CISA BBS Co-SysOp of Tornado Alley BBS (517) 631-4231 ====== ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 21:29:00 CST From: Katie Buller Subject: Another Waco joke David Koresh's last words: "Make that a BUD light!" ========== ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 23:30:22 -0400 From: Grady Lacy Subject: chiste cubano (One obscenity) This came in a Puerto Rican List. Let's see just how international this list is. The joke has one obscene word in it. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 15:58:42 EDT From: Javier Santos To: Multiple recipients of list BORIKEN Subject: chiste cubano Aunque no lo crean Fidel Castro se escapo una vez a Puerto Rico para comprobar si era verdad que en el Restaurante "El Jibaro" se hacian las mejores gallinas cubanas. Al entrar al restaurante pidio un plato de asopao de gallina. No podia creer a su paladar. Pidio otro, y al terminarlo otro. "Tengo que admitirlo", dijo Fidel,"son las mejores gallinas cubanas que he comido. Son importadas de Cuba?" Le pregunta Fidel al cocinero. "Me temo que no", responde el cocinero, "pero le aseguro que son gallinas cubanas". "Como es eso? Te ordeno que me lo pruebes ahora mismo", responde Fidel con tono mandon. "OK", dice el cocinero, "acompan~eme a la parte de atras. Usted ve esas gallinas que estan hay comiendo maiz; esa son las puertorriquen~as." "Y las cubanas?" Pregunta Fidel". "De verdad que quiere saber:, dice el cocinero."Son las que estan en aquella esquina comiendo mierda". ========== ------------------------------