#1077 A JERK STORY (Wed, 2002 Jun 5)

STEP 1. IT IS BEST TO HAVE SOME VISUAL TO JERK OFF TO.  IN MY CASE, I 
USE PORNOGRAPHY. A DEAD ANIMAL SUCH AS A VOLE OR A RACCOON WILL ALSO  
WORK (THOUGH ONE SHOULD AVOID SKUNKS DUE TO THEIR LEAKINESS), BUT I   
HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE USAGE OF HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY. YOUR NEARBY       
WALDENBOOKS OR STROUDS WILL CONTAIN VAST AMOUNTS OF THIS MATERIAL     
AVAILABLE SIMPLY FOR THE TAKING. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS TUTORIAL WE 
WILL SHALL USE YOUR STANDARD LEG-SPREADING WHORE:                     
                                                                      
                                                                      
        \2  /\~/\  6/                                                 
         \\ )aa \\//                                                  
          \\(=  //                                                    
         /\(`;' )/\                                                   
        //\`\==/'/\\                                                  
      _/!  \____/  !\_  SC                                            
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 2. FIND SOMETHING TO BEAT OFF WITH. HERE AN ANIMAL CORPSE WILL   
ALSO SUFFICE, BUT WE FIND THAT A GOOD SET OF MITTS OR INDUSTRIAL      
GLOVES WILL WORK WELL. AVOID ANYTHING WITH ASBESTOS. BE SURE TO AVOID 
CUTTING YOUR OWN THROAT OR KILLING A SCHOOLBUS FULL OF NUNS WHILE     
PERFORMING THIS MANEUVER. ALSO AVOID HAMMERS AS THEY MAKE SMASHY      
SMASHY.                                                               
                                                                      
       ___           ___                                              
      /HHH\         /HHH\                                             
     |XXXXX| _     |XXXXX|                                            
     |HHHHH|/H) (H\|HHHHH|                                            
     \XXXXX/X/   \XXXXXXX/                                            
      ||||||'     `||||||  RR                                         
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 3. NOW JERK IT. JERK IT YOU FUCKING WHORE. JERK IT LIKE YOU'RE A 
RUSSIAN PROSTITUTE WHO HAS TO REALLY WORK FOR EVERY RUBLE YOU EARN. AS
WE LACK A GOOD FACE SPURTING ASCII ART WE WILL INSTEAD USE THIS       
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ELEPHANT:                                              
                                                                      
                                                                      
    _  ,--.                                                           
   ;c),. o}`                                                          
   `._,=,   `.                                                        
       / ,    `.                                                      
       `/L`.    )~                                                    
ejm         /_/\_\                                                    
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 4. FINALLY, BLOW YOUR SWEET LOAD YOU DUMB BITCH. IT IS IMPORTANT 
THAT YOU PREPARE IN ADVANCE (STEP 0) BY CHOOSING AN ADEQUATE          
RECEPTACLE FOR YOUR SPURT, CALLED THE JERKNAP. THIS JERKNAP IS VITALLY
IMPORTANT TO THE SUCCESS OF YOUR ENDEAVOR: IF YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG    
THEN YOUR SEED WILL BE WASTED FOR ALL TIME AND YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO
HELL (THE BAD HELL, NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROSTITUTES). ANY GARMENT    
WILL SUFFICE, ALTHOUGH FEMININE FRILLY THINGS ARE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED  
IN ORDER TO HELP YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE ALL ALONE. FOR THE SAKE OF    
ARGUMENT WE WILL SHOW AN ASSORTMENT OF QUEER SHIT:                    
                                                                      
     ___ ___                                                          
   /| |/|\| |\                                                        
  /_| ' |.` |_\                                                       
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |___|.__|  RR                                                     
                                                                      
       =+===                                                          
      / |.  \                                                         
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |_/_\___|  RR                                                    
                                                                      
     ,==c==.                                                          
     |_/|\_|                                                          
     | '|` |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |__|__|  RR                                                      
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 5. NOW THAT YOU'VE JERKED IT BUT GOOD, THE HAZE OF ENDORPHINS AND
SLEEPY EYES WILL PREVENT THE CRUSHING PRESSURES OF DEPRESSION FROM    
KILLING YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER THREE TO SIX HOURS. BUY A FALAFEL OR     
SOMETHING.                                                            
                                                                      
STEP 6. REPEAT.