**"The Best Little Book Of One-Liners"**  
compiled by Henny Youngman (1906-1998)  

  * You should be born in the Dark Ages - you sure look awful in the light.  

  * I like you - I have no taste, but I like you.  

  * Wild flowers fade fast, but blooming idiots last forever.  

  * After the show, can I drop you off somewhere? Say - the roof?  

  * Your Early American features fasinate me - you look like a buffalo.  

  * Tell me, is that your lower lip, or are you wearing a turtleneck?  

  * I'm a light eater. As soon as it gets light, I start eating.  

  * I once thought of becoming an atheist, but I changed my mind; no paid holidays.  

  * It will be tough getting along without you, but let me try.  

  * Let's play house. You'll be the door and I'll slam you.  

  * You must come out to my swimming pool so I can give you drowning lessons.  

  * When a guy says he's fixed for life, you don't know whether he's talking about a pension or a vasectomy.  

  * You make that dress look ten years younger.  

  * There's only one thing keeping her from being a happily married woman - him.  

  * Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and say "What's new?"  

  * There's a bus leaving in five minutes - get under it.  

  * If you had known yesterday what you know now, you would have been an idiot then, too.  

  * When a little girl says, "I'm a girl and you're a boy," and the boy says, "I'll go ask my mother," that's research. When he says, "Let's see," that's sex.  

  * I always like to think the best of people. That's why I consider you an idiot.  

  * Jury: A group of twelve people selected to decide who has the better lawyer.  

  * He's such a phony that he gets cavities in his false teeth.  

  * He has so little personality - he worked on a color television show and came out in black and white.  

  * Let's play Building and Loan. Just get out of the building and leave me alone.  

  * If they can make pencillin out of moldy bread, surely they can make something out of you.  

  * Having a hole in the head doesn't always indicate an open mind.  

  * When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.  

  * Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.  

  * I don't recall your face - but your breath is familiar.  

  * You look outstanding; like you've been out standing under a drain pipe.  

  * One word you never hear in my house is divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, no.  

  * Take it like a man - blame it on your wife.  

  * Anything goes tonight and you may be the first.  

  * There's only one thing wrong with you. You're visible.  

  * I think the world of you - and you know what I think of the world.  

  * Someday you'll go too far - and I hope you stay there.  

  * You'll make a perfect stranger.  

  * You do have one redeeming feature - mortality.  

  * The only way you would ever be worth anything is if people were sold by the pound.  

  * Could you believe I used to play at Carnegie Hall - til the cops chased me away.  

  * Want to get a guy crazy? Send him a telegram saying, "Ignore the first wire."  

  * I'd go to the end of the earth for you - if you were at the other end.  

  * When you go to a restaurant, always ask for a table near the waiter.  

  * The towels in that ritzy hotel were so big and fluffy you could hardly close your suitcase.  

  * I bought my mother-in-law a chair, but they won't let me plug it in.  

  * When you become a mother will you let me adopt one of your kittens?  

  * I read about the evils of drinking, so i gave up reading.  

  * Cancer stops smoking.  

  * Your dress is too short. It only extends up to your neck.  

  * She had a coming-out party - but they made her go back in again.  

  * If you don't like the way women drive, get off the sidewalks.  

  * When I first spotted you I thought my eyes were bad - I wish they were.  

  * My mother-in-law is very neat. She puts paper under the cuckoo clock.  

  * I'll never forget the first time we met - but I'm trying.  

  * If God sneezed, what could I say to Him?